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Houston, We Have A Problem.
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Houston, We Have A Problem. Don't you hate it when you have something to say, the middle and the end flow freely, but you don't know how to start? I've been trying to blog this since Thursday when it happened. I can't get it started, I feel weird even about blogging it, as it is so personal, but I need some sort of validation that I'm not the one insane here. Please note, my use of giant red is the red scrim coming down, as we had this talk. So if it annoys you, too fucking bad. It all started when the boytoy started telling me how he wishes he could come to see me, but can't afford the gas and tolls. OK, I can understand that. It's 100 miles, door to door as he's in South Jersey, I have no way to meet him halfway, I didn't expect this to be easy. I can understand this. But also, we all know if a man wants to see a woman, he would go through hell and high water to see her. A few other things, too. I noticed he was spending a lot of time invisible on Yahoo. That's never a good sign. A countdown we had going suddenly stopped. So, last weekend, he was trashed out of his mind, so I asked him what was going on. En vino veritas, right? In IMs, as I don't seem to be worthy of a phone call. But then again, with IMs, the evidence is in text. So, I get this. "I would see you ever freaking day if I could. Hold you, hug you, talk to you, share with you." Aw, how sweet right? He also tells me how he misses me terribly, but the distance is keeping us apart, the gas and tolls thing again. He goes on to tell me how he ended up going to a concert alone that I was supposed to go to with him, as it was after the first ankle sprain and there was no way I could take the train down to Philly and the money thing kept him from the original plan of picking me up. This was all Sunday night until about 11 AM on Monday morning. Yes, he works evenings. I thought we had everything hashed out. We're talking on Thursday and he tells me the Philly room is having a party at the end of the month in East Hanover, NJ, which is a mere 15 miles away from me. I also got all this shit about how much he misses me. But he can't affor the money in gas and tolls and has been paying for things with his change collection lately, he's been overdrawn twice in the last month, etc. Well, as he misses me so terribly and is headed for this party, I say, "Cool! Pick me up on the way!" I mean, he's going to be right down the road and I'm on his way there. What am I told? "I'd pick you up, but I'm going to get a room with someone else...  " WHAT THE FLYING FUCK? He misses me terribly, he's going to be right down the road, he has to pass me on the way, but he's getting a room with someone else? Get this, I'm not supposed to be upset by this. I'm not supposed to be upset that he says he can't afford $35 bucks to come see me, but can spend how much on gas, tolls, food, drinks and a $100 room to fuck someone else? We're talking at least $200 here folks, for a one night stand. Well, then he changes his tune. He's willing to give me a ride to and from the party. Yeah, I'm going to have a great time sitting alone at the bar while he's upstairs fucking some other woman, or worse yet, standing out by the car waiting for check out time. And am I expected to settle for sloppy seconds? Oh, that's right, I wouldn't be getting anything at all, as he'll be spent. When I ask him about this, he says, it's a party, he's not just going there to get laid. That he wants to see other people there. Hey, I guess my latter thought was right. I'll be sitting in the lobby all night, roomless, or forced to wait out by the car. Alone, depressed, feeling like I'm not good enough for some asshole. Not to mention, I shouldn't get on his back about this woman, as they had met long before he met me. And that it was just fun, nothing serious. Besides, I had my chance. I had my chance? What? Well, it seems on our second date, we were hot and heavy into foreplay when he suddenly asks me, "what do you want out of our relationship?" I'm thrown for a loop. This is the SECOND date. And he wants to have the talk that isn't supposed to come until after the third? So I tell him, we barely know each other and I want to play it by ear. Guess what? That was a test. I gave the wrong answer. TEST??????? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, HIGH SCHOOL? See, when I said that, what he heard was, "nothing." What was the correct answer? "Everything." OK, guys, I have a question for you. If someone told you that she wanted everything out of a relationship with you on the second date, what would you do? Wouldn't you run screaming? Yeah, I realy did dig the guy, I could have happily seen him for months, years, the rest of my life, but don't pressure me. I'm not going to commit to the white picket fence and a in the yard on a second date. To expect someone to do so is more than a bit controlling. Not to mention, a tad psychotic. So basically, had I given the correct answer, or if he hadn't been suffering auditory hallucinations, he wouldn't be hooking up with this other woman. I call him on his bullshit and tell him I don't like how he's trying to string me along. He gets pissed off and tells me it isn't bullshit. That he does want to be with me, wants to be lovers with me "in the future". IN THE FUTURE? WHAT, AFTER YOU'RE DONE FUCKING ANY WHITE TRASH SKANK WHO LETS YOU DOWN HER PANTS? By then, dear , you're going to have a case of herpes that will keep any uninfected woman away from you. Unless of course, you continue to lie. Not only does he tell me he's not bullshitting me, but he's sick of my paranoia about this. Hey, you're having a one night stand with some skank who goes into the room and talks about all the guys she's fucking. I think I have a right to be paranoid, especially about my sexual health. Condoms don't protect against everything. Besides, you led me to believe you WEREN'T fucking anyone else. He ends the conversation back on the subject of the "test," right before he goes back to invisible because, "I didn't come out of invisible to have to deal with this." What does he say to me? Well, this is the two of us at the end of the conversation. Mind you, I'm beyond pissed and hurt at this point and that feeling of incredulity has really sunk in. Him: I gave you the opportunity to have it "exclusive" so to speak...you didn't take me up on it Him: your loss Note: Never, ever say that to a woman. That was the moment I decided he wasn't even worth what I scrape off the bottoms of my shoes. Me: You can't do exclusive before the third date! That is the make or break date! Him: you can't put rules to feelings...you can't say WHEN it is going to happen or not...I didn't want to hurt you and so I offered when it came to my mind Well, I'm pretty much devastated at this point and I don't know why. I start talking to some friends. I'm talking to the artist, who tends to give me good perspective on this stuff. He asks me, "how old is the boytoy?" I answer, "24." He says, "That explains it." OK, in a way, I guess it does. But hell. I share with another friend. Who decides to have a talk with the other woman. Who knows he's seeing someone else, but that there are some problems there when it comes to getting to see each other and what does it matter? She's been badly hurt very recently, she's not going to get involved with someone his age, it's just for fun. Yeah, hurting another woman is fun, when you've been hurt. I don't know this woman, but if she had any class whatsoever, which she doesn't, she would turn him down and tell him to work on things with the one he wants to be with. Right? Well, that should be the end of it, right? I'm hanging out in invisible when I have a feeling he's lurking around and last night, when he came into chat, I announced, "I'm outta here" and went to take a shower and do a few other things. I wake up this morning to this lovely offline from him: "how nice of you to hide, then run from the room when I came in..." What the hell am I supposed to do? Tell the entire room what he did? Get into a cyber fist fight with him? I don't want to talk to him at the moment and I'm not too sure I even want to be friends with someone this clueless. I mean, he really doesn't understand why I would have an issue with this. Yet he goes on and tell me during the hotel talk about how he saw a friend of his ex-girlfriend in the bar and how hurt he felt. When I told him "then you know how it feels," I was the one out of line. You know, there's a word for people who have no feelings for anyone but themselves and don't care who they hurt and have no conscience about it. It's called sociopath! So why is this still bothering me days after the fact? Why do I even care? Why am I upset instead of saying good riddance to bad rubbish? What is my problem?  |
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7/16/2006 3:04 pm |
I've gone through similar games with men on this site. They say one thing and do another. They drive you crazy because they make you second guess everything and what you know to be true. I hope everything works out for you.
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7/16/2006 3:13 pm |
Good luck Miss Ann - but that stupidity is one of the many reasons I don't get mixed up woth boys. There are plenty pretending to be men at our age but they soon show themselves too. At least you found out now and not AFTER he'd slept with the skank !  Mistress Innuendo Taking what you say and turning it into something naughty !!
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7/16/2006 3:15 pm |
The same problem we all have - we meaning women like you and I - we find somebody we like - everything seems to be going well and all of a sudden - poof - somehow you walked into the wrong dimension and everything is not right and you were so honest and upfront and you hate being fooled. Not to mention that the toy was most likely in good working order and made you feel so damn good and now you are back to square one and that is not fun - no good thing to say - it just sucks. Perceptiveness is not always a gift. Better luck next time. Great profile - too bad so many men can't read or don't bother to take the time or then forget what it is they did read.
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7/16/2006 3:18 pm |
All I can say is: you are better off out of this. Fucking with people's minds is unacceptable. CB2 Blogito ergo sum.
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7/16/2006 3:19 pm |
Because we're sensitive that's why. I'm still a little bothered by the situation I had a few weeks ago. I'm almost over it girl. It takes time. Just think... TUCKER MUST DIE! tee hee
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First, Ann, I am so sorry for what he put you through. It's exactly why I have such an aversion to boys (which can go even into the thirties). MEN have their act together, at least emotionally, and can think objectively. I am really apprehensive about letting my guard down with this guy I met recently..the first and second dates went AMAZINGLY, I could actually tell him at this point that I am crazy about him, but the nature of this site makes me hold back three times as much as I normally would because the gist of A F F to many people seems to be to broaden your sexual horizons with as many new faces as possible. Therefore I am now loath to tell him how I feel. "Don't pressure him into stepping away from the smorgasbord". It sucks. In your case, the guy was just full of shit and did not have the balls to come out and say he still wanted the smorgasbord, because he wanted to put the blame all on you. Immature assclown.) I hate operating that way, but because situations like the one you just went through are so agonizing, you do whatever you can to protect yourself. I'd say I am about through with meeting people from this site, but I think it may actually be par for the course whereever I'd happen to meet a guy.
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7/16/2006 4:45 pm |
Ah Ann...*BIG HUG* At 24, most 'guys' do not know what they want beyond the here and now (besides a good lay), and if they do, they are really mature for their age! As Jesse calls them, this guy sounds exactly like a shitcock. Someone in for their pleasure and their pleasure only. He is childish and immature and not even worth your time or anger anymore. Next time he talks to you just be blunt and tell him that if he is no longer interested in a REAL woman, he can have the skanky hoes and get all the STD's he wants, cuz you are done with his immature ass.  As for the test...that is way too grade school! NO ONE knows they want exclusiveness on the second date! It's more like the 3rd or 4th month! Hope I've helped a bit.  I'm leaving the site end of March. To those who want to keep in touch, see blog for details.
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7/16/2006 5:19 pm |
Let me start off first by saying that I have been in a 'similar' situation (not exactly the same) before, and it may actually be a good idea to decide whether you eventually want a relationship to go serious from the start, that way the both of you know whether you should get involved with someone else or not, even if its not that serious "yet". Its a good idea to know that you both are 'hoping' it will go that way, and mutually decide that you just dont know yet cause its too early. Otherwise, my guess is that when he asked you whether you wanted to be exclusive then that was when he may have been thinking of the other girl, as in...which one of you it was going to be..so-to-speak. He should have told you before he even made this date with this girl, and if he was serious then he would have. You might be better off, considering that he didnt. It takes a while for people to get over the intial shock of hurting emotions like that, it is natural..whether or not people like to believe it. So its probably best that you 'take a break' right now, and give yourself time to heal. Personally, I have a hard time trusting people who stay invisible on messengers alot....If its alot...because I ask myself why wouldnt they just tell me if they were busy etc. if I happened to message them during that time? Cause its easier? maybe...but what if someone important to them found out somehow? Would they want to give them the impression that they were lying? no..they wouldnt...not if they weren't lying. So this is why I have a hard time trusting people who stay on invisible on a regular basis.
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7/16/2006 5:21 pm |
Also I think the reason he couldnt come see you was because he was saving for the party?
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Ann, I think it's about control. He wanted the relationship to work on his timetable and either you were going to fall in line with that or not. Evidently, he decided that you weren't worth the effort to get to know further if you did not make his intended choice. There's really nothing you can do about it, nor should you. It's very out of the ordinary for anyone, male or female, to ask about the potential of a relationship on the second date. Unless you'd been talking to him at length (months), it's hardly appropriate. I don't know why you care, he's seems to have his own agenda and you didn't fit on the itinerary. Move on... Only you decide what is right for you. You know your boundaries. DIV "My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur
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7/16/2006 7:42 pm |
MissAnn, When this kind of thing happens to me I think the thing that upsets me most is feeling taken advantage of. We know we're smarter than that. But sometimes that doesn't matter. At the end of the day we all want to be happy...so even if our instincts might be telling us something's not quite right it's easy to ignore when we meet someone who makes us feel that life is good, at least for awhile. It does suck that he turned out to be so immature and so completely clueless, but now you know. I'm truly sorry you had this experience.
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7/16/2006 8:02 pm |
I know him. (and I think he's lacking a few tools in the social workbox) MissAnn, you are bothered because no one deserves to be treated so horridly by anyone, especially a lover. He knew exactly what he was doing--punishing you because you didn't do what he wanted when it wanted you to do it. His incredulous bullshit is not cluelessness, it is an integral part of making you feel worthless. What a scumbag, and essentially, a cowardly one, regardless of intention. And I feel for the other woman too, fyi. MissAnn, next time listen when I say, "not a good fit."  P.S. Agreed re: "your loss"
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I gotta tell you, I wrote the book on rejection. I've been rejected more times then anyone. Recently, a friend of mine set me up on a date with this girl she knew. Since she was getting divorced, my friend thought it would be a good time to introduce us. So, we met. She seemed like someone I could spend some time with, if not the rest of my life. The first meeting shattered any illusions of that. She hardly talked to me, and she couldn't wait for me to leave. My friend left so we could get better aquainted. It didn't happen. So, I went home. Left with a handshake. I'd called several times this week, trying to find a time to get with her. It wasn't until I called on Friday night that I realized she had zero interest in me, and I could sense it. Her tone of voice sounded like she wanted to say, "Get off the phone, Nick. Stop talking to me." I read that like a book. I talked to the friend who introduced us, and she told me that this girl had been flaky since high school. I also hear this girl is waiting for this 40-something year old guy to get outta prison. That's a good way for her to get her kids taken fom her, and my friend confronted her on that. My friend told me I should call her up and tell her I'm coming up, and if she gives me the run around, then not to waste anymore time with her. But I decided our last conversation was enough to conclude on. Another number to erase from my phone. My friend tells me she'll keep trying to hook me up with someone nice. I said, "Lead on. Guide me to my next embarrassing failure." She got a laugh out of it. I wasn't exactly broken up about this, in fact, I was kinda numb. It would be nice to succeed once in a while, though. I get passed up for rednecks and convicts. How sad is that? Come into my realm! You aren't afraid...are you?
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7/16/2006 8:48 pm |
I know you are fully aware that you can not force together things that don’t fit. But you possibly hoped that things would work themselves out. Now you are left with the sower taste this young boy left you. Did you honestly think that it was going to last for very long? He probably didn’t. I say just kick the memory of this guy in to the lesson learned drawer and press. Forget about what you might have wished could have been. If anything, you will gain a clearer insight on yourself concerning how you allowed yourself to get strung up by this punk. You are a very intelligent person, and I think you are pissed about all of this because you feel out of control. But actually you are in total control. I don’t mean any of this out of any type of disrespect. You asked, and I think I gave you as honest an answer as possible, based on my experience and a few other tools that I am sure you are familiar with. And I am sure this is now old news.... The Super Pervy Sage 
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7/16/2006 10:08 pm |
Sounds like you were both on two different levels. You were being real, and he was being a real player. He was jerking you around, throwing out just enough to keep you invested and thinking he was sincere. When you conflicted with his "reality" and were smart enough to pick up on the clues and call him on it, he realized he couldnt' keep stringing you along. He's got a lot of growing & maturing to do, and you just cleared the way for the right one. Good work. Sorry it hurts so fucking much. It sucks.
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7/16/2006 11:35 pm |
Great piece, and so many amazing comments. No much I can really add that hasn't already been said, but I feel compelled to say something because 1) I was that age once; and 2) I'm a man. I say the dude is talking shit about more things that you even know. It's so easy to SAY that you miss someone and you love and need them like oxygen, but actions are what it's all about. Especially when it comes to online relationships. How easy is it to type all the wine and rosebuds on earth? The person doesn't see you squinting like George Bush, or rolling your eyes, etc. He obviously just wants to get as much ass as he can, including yours. A hundred bucks says if his party fell through and he was in the area, suddenly he'd be on your doorstep telling you how much he loves you, blah blah blah, until you gave in and let him fuck you. It was Bogart who said it best when he said: "Of all the chat rooms, in all the web sites in all the Internet, she had to log onto mine." -NL
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7/17/2006 5:05 am |
Look at it this way he is still a kid who has a lot of growing up to do....and as sad as it is and as mean as this may sound you have been apart of his growing lesson. Question is what has he learned?
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I SO hate that I'm going to reference this (please forgive me and I promise I'll try to get cool later) but a simple minded hour read from about a year ago (He's Just Not That Into You) hit me like a ton of bricks, at the ripe ol' age of 51. Somehow the circumstance of a cool guy writing about how it really is when men pull this shit on us gave me a healthy slap of reality regarding these things. Let it go, cut him loose, no matter how much part of you resists it. Don't waste words on him in your room or anything. He's dead to you. About a month ago something was headed in this direction and, for the first time ever, I bailed first. Scariest thing I ever did. Most empowering, too. We are women, hear us roar. (Am really blowing my "I may be cool again someday" credibility, aren't I?) Yeah, I'm still [blog 1hotwahine]
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I'd say it's because he's only 24, but hell, I know men in their 50's that behave the same way. It almost sounded like he was trying to get you to offer him money to come up and see you.Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.
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Hmmmmm I give you respect for posting something like this I wouldn't have the nerve to blast someone I was seeing that is still on TSdates.com. Anyway i don't know the guy and while 100 miles is a distance your line on what a guy would do to see a woman is dead on. Sounds like excuses to put you off. Keeping you as an option for when he felt the need. The whole second date question was BS you don't put that stringent a timeline on where you intend to go with something. I wouldn't even ask that question unless I was intending it to get serious or to divert it. Besides I would voice my opinion not just use it as a test. Just sounds like a manipulative and well spoken individual. Too bad his sincerity isn't there. If it were he sounds like the type that could have any woman he wants. Chalk it up to avoiding future pain...it sucks and it hurts because you did care and like the guy. Too bad he wasn't smart enough to realize what he had. RF
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7/18/2006 1:04 am |
That's too bad, Ms. A. You graciously allowed him to get inside your emotional defenses a bit (which is a good thing), and unfortunately he apparently didn't seem to realize, didn't care, or found it too uncomfortable for his sensibilities and so he behaved like a boor. But that doesn't really leave you feeling any better. The only answer is to pretend you want to reconcile with him as a friend, and then invite him on the Soylent Green Factory Tour. My, won't he be surprised?
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Okay, my two cents worth... First I hate the "I want to get to know you better" line as a disguised version of *I want to get laid*. Getting inside my p*ssy doesn't mean you *know me better*...trust me. Followed by the "second date" crap. Uh..most people don't want to be pinned into anything let alone on a SECOND date. But the best part....the theory of "it is just sex..wtf is your problem??" I have NEVER understood how some people (guys and girls alike) use that idiotic statement to justify cheating or fooling around. IT HURTS PEOPLE!!! And for the most part..people that say that would NOT like their partner doing it. Point in hand..even my own lover made a joke about having two women (I told you this personally). I responded with "Yeah, and if I had two men now..." HE WENT BALLISTIC!!! It is always okay when THEY get what they want and WE are wrong or insulting, maybe out of line if WE say it. Male or female...no one really likes being cheated on. I agree with the many..age has nothing to do with it. Dicks and assholes come in ALL ages and BOTH sexes!!! Ann...better off without him!!
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I've learned that the important thing in a relationship is communication, and not to spend any time trying to decode signals or looking for meaning in offhand statements. I often wonder when I see all those scholars analyzing Shakespeare whether the guy actually put all those intricacies into the plays or they just happened to end up there by dumb luck, like a bagel that looks like Mother Theresa. Reckon you're better out of this guy's clutches, Ann. Anyone who doesn't know "I'd pick you up, but I'm going to get a room with someone else" is on the list of all-time things NEVER to say to a woman probably has a lot more worrying flaws in his character.
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7/18/2006 6:46 pm |
Miss Ann, you're hanging around with the wrong class of men.
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7/19/2006 12:54 am |
However, WWIII erupted and his feelings were hurt enough that I actually got the line, "Have a nice life." In 2006, war was beginning. The only correct answer to that line is "thanks, I will! In fact, it just immeasurably improved about four seconds ago."
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