A gentleman's guide to pounding vag
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Posted:Jul 17, 2011 1:20 pm
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2012 5:24 pm
89317 Views
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We are unfortunate to be living in very uncivil times . For all our advancements in the fields of medicine and technology it seems that etiquette and proper behavior have fallen by the wayside . The good news is that this is a very correctable problem – and it begins with you . For your consideration please review the following rules to be observed whenever engaging in intimate behaviors .
1. A gentleman always sink washes his junk prior to the act of loving making . If possible this should always be undertaken prior to the engagement of any amorous behavior so as to not interrupt the appropriate flow of events . Soap is not necessary but vigorous scrubbing is essential to ensure any undesirable debris is removed . However a gentlemen must be careful not to go to far in these preparations as well – a so called “’s bath” is to be avoided as it diffuses and dilutes the manly essences that the fairer sex find so irresistible .
2. If during the act of intercourse a gentleman is moved to comment on the tightness of a lady’s vagina one must be cautious not to use poor grammar or improper syntax . A sentence fragment or poorly constructed utterance is very distressing to the female ear in such intimate circumstances . Whenever possible a gentlemen always has prepared compliments already in mind in regards to the tightness of a lady’s vagina . If an excited exclamation is unavoidable use extreme care and remember always never to end a sentence with a preposition .
3. A gentlemen should always have mouthwash and a extra toothbrush at the ready for when a lady has concluded orally stimulating the gentleman’s asshole . This is not merely a matter of courtesy , but also of physical condition . By having the appropriate materials at hand a gentleman will not only win a lady’s approval , but also continue with a healthsome lifestyle .
4. When ejaculating on a lady’s face a gentleman will always aim below the eye line of the lady in question . In the event that a gentleman is attempting to ejaculate on the face of more than one lady at once always use the eyes of the shortest lady in the group for the purposes of directing their ejaculate . A gentleman always remember to also avoid targeting the nose or the ears .
5. When engaging in a threesome with a fellow gentleman do not make eye contact with the other gentleman while you are penetrating the lady of which you are both partaking . Do not take offense if your testicles make contact with the testicles of the other gentlemen – if you find this offensive do not engage in threesomes with another gentleman . When you are doubly penetrating the lady you may have the urge to “high five” the other gentleman – resist this urge as it is extremely rude , and the noise may distract the lady from her enjoyment of the unusual penetration . If you feel the need to express your enjoyment to the other gentleman a thumbs up is preferable behavior .
6. When ejaculating in a lady’s anus many gentlemen feel tempted to exclaim joyously “you take it in the ass like a pro you dirty !” This is generally not received in a complimentary manner by ladies and should be avoided . Unless the lady in question is in fact a flattering smack on the ass is far more well received by the fairer sex . If you feel the need to verbalize something at this most exquisite of occasions a gentleman is better served commenting on the pliability of his lady’s asshole . Please see rule #2 if you engage in this methodology .
7. A gentleman never falls asleep whilst a lady is receiving his manhood orally . This is not only highly insulting , but also speaks ill of you manly endurance . If you feel yourself starting to nod off this is an indication that you should be moving onto a different erotic activity . A gentleman also refrains from yawning at any point of the love making process .
8. A gentleman never begins making love to a sleeping lady unless there is a certainty of not waking her . Uninterrupted sleep is very important for all women of breeding and it would be ill-advised to begin penetration unless you have a reasonable assurance that you can complete your business without undue disturbance . A good test is to lightly insert your finger into the lady’s asshole , no further than the entirety of the distal phalanges . If she stirs do not proceed with act of love making .
9. When a pornographic film is being screened at a home theater during the act of making love to a lady a gentleman does not stare – it is permissible only to glance . Furthermore a gentlemen does not reach for the remote control at any time during the act of making love . When a gentleman needs to forward or reverse the film to a particular scene to complete his business he must surreptitiously manipulate the remote with his foot .
10. When using circumduction via hand or tongue to stimulate a lady’s clitoris a gentleman does not prop his head on his other hand . A gentleman should always endeavor to appear interested in the sexual activity in which he is engaged at the time . If you have trouble with this , make a game out of it – see how many revolutions you can make in 30 seconds and then try to beat that record in the opposite direction .
11. A gentleman with a penis in excess of 15.25 cm in length , 12.3 cm in circumference , or 85 degrees occurrence should spray a lady’s vagina with non-stick cooking spray before attempting penetration . If penetrating the anus of a lady reduce the circumference to 10.1 cm and the occurrence to 67 degrees .
12. When receiving a handjob from a lady a gentleman always takes note to ensure that the lady is taking the appropriate action to avoid injuring her elbow or shoulder . Ensure that your lady has proper technique not only for her own physical well-being , but also to ensure that she will not be impaired or unable to perform her womanly duties in the future .
Just follow these simple rules and our society will be a more polite and genteel one that everyone can enjoy .
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You know , sometimes I'm glad a shark bit my genitals off
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Posted:Aug 17, 2009 5:03 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 1:54 pm
89803 Views
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I’m just going to get right to the point for once . This weekend I saved a lady from drowning in the Monongahela River and then she wouldn’t even let me get to second base. What is this country coming to ? What’s become of gratitude and thanksgiving ? Its at times like these that I’m glad a lemon shark bit by dick and balls off back in ’03 while I was swimming off the coast of the Yucatan . After all , if you save some lady’s life and you can’t even get to second what’s even the point of having reproductive organs I ask you ?
So it went down like this . There’s a lady in the water (not the movie , which was pretty mediocre) and its obvious she’s in trouble and going down . So I go in and start swimming , a rescue operation in mind DESPITE the fact that often what happens in this situation is that both people end up drowning because its gosh darn hard to rescue someone who’s drowning to death . I’m risking my sweet life to save some stranger ‒ keep that in mind . So I make it to the drowning lady and things aren’t looking good . I try the old life guard arm around the neck deal but it’s a no go ‒ she’s freaking out too much . And you can’t blame her for that because man oh man drowning is not fun . If you want to try it out sometime just call your local CIA agent and they should be able to hook you up with some waterboarding ‒ its all the fun of drowning with none of the sweet release of death .
So I did what I had to do to save a life . I headbutted her ‒ not a full on headbutt mind you , but enough of a pop to stun her for a few minutes . The precious minutes I needed to drag her ass to safety . That may sound harsh , but in a crisis (or a super crisis) such as this you do what you have to . To her credit the lady in question didn’t have a problem with that , which is a nice surprise . When the EMT said she had a broken nose I was expecting her to bitch me out about it . So obviously this is not an unreasonable lady we’re talking about . Of course she may have blacked out and not remembered that I slammed my forehead into the bridge of her nose and what’s why she didn’t freak , but I like to think that’s not the case .
Anyway , the point is that I saved her life from drowning away . Literally saved her life , like if I wasn’t there she’d be dead now . Dead . Savvy ? If not for my actions this lady would be no more . Keep that in mind as you read this . The ambulance shows up and there’s a big whoopdeedoo and all that and everyone ends up being okay . When the story is retold by bystanders (aka lazy bastards who were going to let a lady die) the EMT says to me , verbatum “Wow , you saved this woman’s life , you’re a real hero .” I don’t know about the hero part , but the first part ? Absolutely true . SAVED HER LIFE . Keep that in mind .
So she comes up to me and we introduce ourselves and joke around a little bit and then she says to me , after saying how grateful she is I was there to save her “Is there anything I can to repay you ?” Catch that ? Is there ANYTHING I can do she asked me in her own words . So I say “Sure , can I get to second base ?” And you should have seen the look on her face . It was like a non-verbal slap in the face . Wait , a slap in the face is non-verbal . It was like a non-slap in the face slap in the face . I was shocked , shocked and scandalized to my very core . She tried to play it off like I was joking but then she repeated her offer and I repeated my request . And then she said it ‒
“No , ew , gross .”
No . Ew . Gross . This is what passes for gratitude nowadays ? It made me ashamed to by a patriot of this grand country of ours ‒ that something like this could be allowed to happen . That I would save a woman’s life and in return not even get some second base action . All I wanted was a little fondling of the breasts , maybe a little motorboat engagement depending on the mood . Is that too much to ask for after I stick my neck out there to save a life ? I don’t think so . I very politely said as much and then she came back with .
“What , because you saved my life I owe you something ?”
No , not at all . Nobody owes anyone anything in this life . I am not suggesting by any stretch of the imagination that if you save someone’s life they owe you any kind of Medieval sexual payola . But it would be nice . It would show a little common f’ing courtesy and decorum . ESPECIALLY if you happen to say to the person who saved your life “Is there ANYTHING I can do to repay you ?” I can only assume that she didn’t really mean that and was just saying it to the sake of appearances which really chaps my balls . Or rather the balls I don’t have because a lemon shark bit them off in the Gulf of Mexico .
Its not like I asked for a blowjob . Its not like I asked her to bend over and drop her drawers for a little unlubed ass pounding . I didn’t even ask for good old fashioned vaginal intercourse . Not even some finger banging , all I wanted in return for saving a life was some under the shirt action ‒ a little nipple rubbing . That to me seems perfectly reasonable . I mean if a gay guy saved my life and he wanted me to suck him off I’d do it . Because he saved my life . MY LIFE . All that I have and all that I’m ever going to have . Would I enjoy it ? No . But that’s not the point . I don’t like writing thank you letters when I get a gift either but its common courtesy . We’re trying to have a society here aren’t we ?
Now , am I saying that I wouldn’t have saved her life had I know she wasn’t going to put anything on the table ? No , not at all . Good deeds are not done with the expectation of rewards , they are done because it is the right thing to do . All life is precious and sacred , even the ungrateful life , and I will put forth my best effort to persevere it all whenever I can . We are all God’s right ? I would do it again in a heartbeat , even know there wasn’t going to be any nude boob touching afterwards . Because I feel compassion for all the creatures of the earth , unappreciative though some of them may be .
In conclusion I say only this ‒ if someone saves your life and they want a little eroticism in return don’t begrudge them that . It’s the decent thing to do .
Also while we’re talking about drowning that movie the Prestige was awesome .
Furthermore if anyone out there knows how to use stem cells or whatever to grow back my junk please contact me . Because most of the time I’m not glad about my dick and balls being bitten off by a Lemon shark .
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Move over Vagina Monologues its the Clitoris Dialogues !
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Posted:Jul 7, 2009 4:34 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2012 5:47 pm
90631 Views
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Recently I had the opportunity to sit down with a clitoris for something of an informal interview and I thought some people might find it interesting so I’m sharing this transcript with you . This is from memory so every exact word may not be entirely correct but for the most part I believe the overall gist to be accurate .
40Deuce ‒ Thank you for joining my today clitoris , glad you could make it .
Clitoris (slyly) ‒ I’m just happy you were able to find me .
40 ‒ Right off the bat with the whole “men don’t now there the clit is ” shtick ? Isn’t that some pretty well worn territory ?
C ‒ I’m a sucker for the classics .
40 ‒ Its not even true , but lets move on , I’ve always . .
C ‒ No , no , lets hold up a second . The reason its such “well worn territory” as you say is exactly because it is true . What makes you think otherwise ?
40 ‒ Do you honestly believe that the problem is that men literally don’t know where you’re located on the female body ?
C ‒ What other explanation is there for how little attention I get some times ?
40 ‒ Well , people are selfish jerks , and men are people . Its not that they don’t know where you are , they just don’t care . This is a broad generalization of course . I’m just saying that its not accurate to say the problem is that your location is unknown ‒ that’s pretty much just a tired joke right ?
C ‒ Perhaps , but the feeling behind it is entirely valid .
40 ‒ I can believe that , but in a way its not really fair .
C ‒ How so ?
40 ‒ Well ,we’re getting off track here , but it breaks down like this ‒ its not challenging at all to make a man climax , but it takes real effort and skill to make a woman climax . So when women complain about being unsatisfied I just think maybe they need to put themselves in our shoes . I mean at least we’re making an effort . Some of us anyway . Sometime . I don’t think ladies realized how good they have it .
C ‒ What ?! Men are able to climax at the drop of a hat and somehow that means women have it easy ?
40 ‒ You know what I mean .
C ‒ Not really , explain it to me .
40 ‒ I’m just pointing out that it’s a little hypocritical to criticize the inability to do something hard when a similar thing is very easy for the criticizer .
C ‒ Is criticizer a word ?
40 ‒ I think so .
C ‒ That theory is flawed in many ways . First or all . .
40 ‒ I don’t mean to be rude , but this is something I don’t think we’re going to agree on and I don’t want to spend our entire time arguing . I think we both have pretty established and accepted positions among our constituents , would you mind if we just moved on ?
C ‒ Very well , but isn’t it interesting that you got to make your point and I didn’t ?
40 ‒ Well , I am the one conducting the interview . Now , my first question is do porn stars have clits ?
C ‒ Of course they do .
40 ‒ Then they don’t we ever see you in the movies ? There’s a lot of close up shots of vaginas in porn but I hardly ever see you . Its almost like they try and hide you . Why is that ?
C ‒ I think this is going to stir things up again , do you really want to know , because you’re not going to like the answer .
40 ‒ Of course .
C ‒ Its because porn is aimed at men mostly , and men are afraid of me . They don’t want to see me . They make more money but not showing me because that’s what men want .
40 ‒ Seriously ? You’re going there ?
C ‒ Hey , I calls them as I see them . You asked .
40 ‒ That I did . I don’t agree at all , but in the interest of time lets move on . A persistent rumor is that the bigger you are the more the lady you’re riding around on likes/wants sex . Is there any truth to that ?
C ‒ Not really . It does make some difference on how pleasurable certain things can be, but it’s a matter of degrees , my size doesn’t effect anyone’s behavior .
40 ‒ I wouldn’t think so either , but the lady I was with who wanted to have sex most frequently also happen to be the lady I’ve been with who had the biggest clit .
C ‒ Coincidence .
40 ‒ Fair enough . I realize that you’re a pretty sensitive part of the body , but can you really be overstimulated ? I mean to the point where its just uncomfortable for you to be touched ?
C ‒ Absolutely . I don’t want to dissuade anyone from touching me , but there is a point where it can get to be too much . It’s the same thing for you and your asshole . Stimulation is good , but all things in moderation .
40 ‒ Pardon me ? No one touches my asshole .
C ‒ Really ? You don’t like a little pinky action up the butt when you’re getting sucked off ? Come on , you can be straight with me .
40 ‒ Not with something up my asshole .
C ‒ Oh , come off it , liking a little anal incentive with your blowjob doesn’t make you gay .
40 ‒ It doesn’t help . Not that there’s anything wrong with that .
C ‒ Nice cover .
40 ‒ While we’re on the subject some guys say that if a man likes sucking you that means that they have homosexual tendencies , equating you to a small penis . Do you lend that idea any credence ?
C ‒ Not really , but is there’s one thing I don’t know a lot about its male homosexuality .
40 ‒ What about female homosexuality ?
C ‒ What about it ?
40 ‒ Its pretty great huh ?
C ‒ Its usually pretty good for me .
40 ‒ My next question is about evolution . First of all , how did you evolve at all ? In terms of evolutionary theory you don’t make any sense at all . You serve no practical purpose . You are in many ways unique in all the universe as the only biological entity that exist for no other reason than to provide pleasure . I’ve always wondered , how did such a thing come about ?
C ‒ Well , I can’t say for sure of course , but all evolution is based on mutation right ? And a mutation doesn’t have to be beneficial to be desirable . Imagine if you will two cavewomen , one normal style and one with a mutant protoclitoris . When the saber-toothed cat comes around looking for dinner who’s going to run faster ? My money’s on the cavewoman who’s hoping top have an orgasm later . I may serve no function in survival , but I provide motivation . It may not be a big difference , but over the course of years , well , you know how it goes .
40 ‒ Indeed . So my other question then is why did you end up where you are ? It seems like sort of a strange spot to me . A minority of women have orgasms as a result of intercourse right ? So why aren’t you into a spot where you’d be stimulated more as a result of intercourse ? Your location seems a little weird to me .
C ‒ Nobody every said the human body , as miraculous a creation as it is is perfect ‒ we’re still a work in progress in many ways . Maybe as the generations pass I’ll move , maybe not . There may be reasons for my position that we’re just not cognizant of . That’s what makes scientific exploration so exciting ‒ there’s just so much we don’t know .
40 ‒ Is it possible to have more than one of you ?
C ‒ Possible ? Yes , but extremely rare . In such cases typically the “extras” are non functioning .
40 ‒ One of nicknames is the little man in the canoe . Isn’t it weird for you to be called a man ?
C ‒ Not really , I am a man .
40 ‒ What ?!
C ‒ Nah , I’m just pulling your leg , I’m not really anything ‒ I’m just a body part . Its not appropriate to assign me a gender . Is a heart or lung a man or a woman ? No , they’re just organs . That kind of anthropomorphism is kind of silly .
40 ‒ How do you get along with the G spot ?
C ‒ Is that a real thing ? I thought it was a myth .
40 ‒ I think its real .
C ‒ Well , whatever it is its got nothing to do with me .
40 ‒ That’s pretty much all I had , thanks for being here with my an indulging my questions . Uh , we still have a little time left . . um , what do you think about the economy ?
C ‒ Well until people get serious about applied business mathematical models we’re going top have to endure these kinds of fluctuations .
40 ‒ Surely you’re not advocating a planned economy .
C ‒ Not in the least , not planned but “tended” .
40 ‒ Interesting notion . So . . you think the Jets will be any good this year ?
C ‒ I don’t know , should be fun to watch though .
40 ‒ And that’s it , thanks again for joining me clitoris and I hope to see you again . Really , really soon .
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I am the Jackie Chan of oral sex
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Posted:Jun 6, 2009 11:11 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 1:54 pm
91284 Views
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Let me begin , as all good literature does , with a ranting tirade . The object of my scornful scornfulness ? The term “eating pussy” . I don’t like it , I don’t like it one bit and I’m taking a stand . Its just crass , and not in a good way . Plus its not even accurate for all its crassy crassness . When I’m done eating something its gone . Gone you hear me . But never once have I executed oral on a lady and when it was all said and done her pussy was gone . Not that I’m complaining about that , I like pussies , aside from their roll in the reproductive process which I think we can all agree is pretty f’d up . I mean babies come out of there ? That’s just twisted . Anyway , you see my point , the pussy is still there so in what sense have I eaten it ? I say enough .
The problem is there aren’t a lot of euphemism for lady oral sex . Going down you say? Please , don’t make me laugh . First that can be oral sex or either kind . And secondly when I do it I have the lady in question wrap her legs around my head and then I lift her off the ground like Hercules on account of my mighty strength . So how can that be construed in any way as me going down on her ? If anything SHE’S going UP on me right ? So what else do we have ? Deep sea diving and other diving variations ? Eh , those are okay , just doesn’t really have much pizzazz . Going south of the border/equator ? Again that works both ways . All I’m saying is that we need to work together to come up with new and exciting term for stimulating a lady clit with your tongue and various other mouthparts .
Anyway , onto the main issue at hand here , my status as the Jackie Chan or oral sex . Its truly an unassailable position and I’m going to tell you why . Its not because I’m great at it (which I am) because is Jackie Chan associated with greatness ? I say nay . He’s been in some great movies don’t get me wrong . But when you see Jackie Chan walking down the street (as we all do) you don’t point and say “Hey , there’s the great Jackie Chan !” do you ? Well DO YOU ? I thought not . So this claim to be the Jackie Chan or oral isn’t about greatness . So what is it about then you ask ? Good question . Its about a little something I like to call grit and determination . Gritermination if you will . You will ? Thank you .
You see Mr. Chan is known for two things . He does all his own stunts . And when he does these stunts he invariably ends up getting hurt . This is why I’m exactly like him when it comes to carrying out truly exemplar oral sex on a classy lady , I always do my own stunts and I often end up in pain . Now I know what you’re thinking to yourself . “What does he mean when he says he does his own stunts as it relates to oral sex ? And how did he get to be so damn funny and articulate ? Not to mention handsome .” What I mean is this , and this is a little known secret that I’m probably going to get in a lot of trouble for revealing , most guys use stand-ins when it comes to “eating pussy” . And by most I mean pretty much all of them but me . Plus George Clooney . And maybe a few guys in Tennessee , but that’s it . How do they do it ?
Well its not easy , but there is an art to it and its one that most guys get a handle on pretty quickly . I’m not going to reveal how the switch is made because I value my life too much to give away all the secrets of my gender but the fact is that most likely each and every time a guy has supposedly gone south of the border you’ve been bamboozled and shammed . Shamboozeled really . What happens when the switch is made is that your boyfriend or husband or or what have you stealthily and covertly changes places with a lesbian friend of his and watches Sportcenter for a little while until its safe to come back in , reversal the switcheroo and get to “the good stuff” as they call it .
Now I know this is probably going to be a little shocking and you may not want to believe it but my hand to a deity of your choice it is 100% true . Maybe even 101% true and that’s not even possible . Now if you’re a lady who thought you were straight don’t be alarmed , its okay . A priest once told me “oral doesn’t count” . So you’re still straight if that’s what you want to be . But still you are being deceived and I don’t think you should put up with it . If you ask me from now on the only men you should have sex with are me and George Clooney . And possibly a few dudes in Tennessee , probably in the Kingsport region if in fact they exist at all .
Bit I don’t play those games honey bear , I DO ALL MY OWN STUNTS . When I “go down” on you its really me , not my lesbian friend Karen (who’s single again by the way , has a great personality and is quite a looker) . I’m down there “in the trenches” getting things done by God . Its not always easy but as RFK said “we do these things not because they are easy , but because they are hard .” Which by the way would be the perfectly sexy/patriotic thing to say when you grab a guys junk . But that is only half the story of why I am the Jackie Chan of oral .
The other half is the part I don’t like as much , the part where I get hurt . Its uncanny really . It’d be funny if it wasn’t me . You see I don’t know what they call the fluids that lubricate a lady’s vagina (nor do I want to really) but what I do know is that either I’m really bad at avoiding them or my eyeballs have a special super power to attract them . And I tell you what , that stuff stings . And I’ve had laser eye surgery ! I need to protect my eyes , not submit them to a constant bombardment of vagina juices . Yet somehow almost every time I’m “eating out” I get it right in the eye . Usually the same eye too . I should start wearing goggles or an eye patch maybe . Where can I get a sexy eye patch ? That’s the most common but there are other ways that I get hurt too .
Occasionally when I’m down in the splash zone my eyes are spared but I feel like I’m being drowned . I know that I’m not actually in any danger but it is scary nonetheless . Its kind of like being waterboarded I imagine . And there’s not much you can do about that . You can give oral with your eyes closed (if you’re a sissy) but you can’t do much with your mouth closed other than the old chin-jab which gets old pretty quickly I have to assume . I mean if I had a clit I don’t know if I need somebody poking their chin into it for more than a few seconds .
The other major player here is the leg vise . Sometimes when a classy lady is really enjoying the tongue action I’m deploying in her nethers she has the unfortunate habit of squeezing her legs together ‒ which wouldn’t be as bad if my head (and sometimes an arm) wasn’t between them . Which you know getting your head crushed is bad enough , but sometimes if it forms a tight seal you can really mess up your eardrums as well . And this isn’t even counting the standard kicking and kneeing and choking on a public hair or getting scratched by a bad Brazilian wax . But still , despite all this , all the danger and all the hart work involved I do it and I do it with a smile .
Because I’m Jackie Chan .
The Jackie Chan of oral sex.
The Jackie Chan of oral sex on classy ladies .
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I'm not saying my penis is the messiah , I'm just not ruling it out
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Posted:May 23, 2008 7:58 pm
Last Updated:May 30, 2009 6:05 pm
92085 Views
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Its been said many times over the centuries that men place too high an opinion on their private parts and in general I would have to agree . I mean seriously dude , come off it . But with that having been said after some serious reflection on the matter I think its possible that my cock might be the messiah . Probably sounds like more typical male phallic self-aggrandizement right ? Well all I can do is assue you that its not . Really , if it wasn't for this whole "messiah" thing I wouldn't spare two words about my penis . Its just a penis , and rather unimpressive as penises go . But I would be remiss if I didn't mention to everyone how it might be the second coming (or third depending on your personal beliefs) .
Now you may be thinking "what evdience is there that this dick in question might be a somehow holy ?" Well that's a very astute question , you're quite the sharp tack aren't you ? The first thing we need to consider is parentage . So far as I know my cock has neither a mother or a father . That's DOUBLE immaculate conception people , which is pretty much a necessity since the crappy new Star Wars movies ruined the whole idea of normal immaculate conception . So right off the bat that's pretty messiahy . You have to grant me that much . Penises don't just grow on trees right ? And if they do please don't tell me about it , the penis tree is something I'd rather not know about . I'm sure somewhere in there there's a joke about a penis bush , but it eludes me .
But beyond any sort of multiple immeculate conception what else does my dick have going for it vis a vis the messiah angle ? For instance you might inquire does it have any healing powers ? Unfortunately I'm not really sure . I know that one time it did heal a woman from her unprengnancy , but I don't know if that counts because she didn't even know she was suffering from that affliction . As a sidenote millions of American women are afflicted with unpregnancy and if you'd like to donate some money to me I am trying my best to combat the problem . Other than that I can't cite any real evidence of my cock's healing abilities . But I think its mostly because of a lack of data . My penis just doesn't touch a lot of people , and when it does they're usually not sick . Just selfishness on my part I suppose .
Sp what other evidence can I profer ? Mostly anecdotal things , parting seas , death of the firstborns in Egypt , plagues of things , something with a burning bush (again , insert your own joke) but nothing really solid . The problem is I don't really think my penis is the messiah , it just seems like it might be . Which you know could be pretty annoying if you really stop and think about it . Being a messiah takes a lot of time , and honestly , I don'y know if my pecker is up to the task .
Now some of you might be thinking "wait , I thought you penis was the second shooter on the grassy knoll - that doesn't seem like something the messiah would be mixed up with." Well it wasn't , but don't blame yourself , we all thought that for a while . I've come to find out that what really happened is that Kennedy traveled back in time and shot himself before everyone figured out what a poon hound he was - it was a maintain your legacy kind of thing . Seems crazy now , but it was the Cold War and at that time we didn't know that the Soviets were incompetent .
So where do we go from here ? Well I feel that its important for each person to examine the evidence and decide for themself . I'm willing to make my cock available to you for whatever viewing or handling you'd like . Heck , you could even stick the thing in your mouth if you wanted to ! I don't know what that would prove , but I'm willing to be flexible . This , after all , is a quest for the truth - and there is little more in life that outweights that .
Thank you for your time and may the blessing of the possibility of my cock's holy nature be with you
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Spineless whining and moon fun facts
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Posted:May 17, 2008 11:29 am
Last Updated:May 17, 2008 2:26 pm
93288 Views
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I know that if there's one thing that people love its a dude online crying about how he never gets any - that never gets old does it ? But it does tend to get a little repetative so in order to spice things up I'm going to include some little knowledge chunklets about my (and I'm sure your) favorite moon , Phobos named after the Greek god of the same name - who (like most Greek gods) was a bit of an asshole . But then again his father was Ares so really what did we expect ?
I have accepted the fact that when I contact a woman on TSdates.com and she writes back the most likely outcome is that she's going to agree to meet and then blow me off . I've accepted that , I've made my peace with it . In a way I've grown to love it . After all if someone takes the time to build up your hopes just to dash them isn't that a compliment in a way ? It is a substantial outlay of personal effort . Plus I'm sure they get a good laugh out of it , and there's always room for more humor in the world . By I was suprised recently by a woman on here contacting me ! Imagine that , a woman UNSOLICITED , speaking to a man on TSdates.com . I nearly fainted with shock .
Phobos orbits about 9,377 km (5,823 mi) above the center of Mars , closer to its primary than any other planetary moon .
I was pretty sure it was a scam , but still it was a scam that I didn't bring upon myself . Needless to say I was outrageously flattered . Out of all the millions and millions of hard up and pathetic men on here I was chosen to be stood up . Its more of an honor than I deserve to be truthful . Anyway , we talked , we chatted , we e-mailed , we did the whole thing . It was fun . I even thought to myself hey , there's a miniscule chance I might get to see an actual live naked lady at the end of all this . Foolish ? Of course , but they say its a fool who takes up a fool's quest and I'm a fool . A damn fool some might say .
Phobos is one of the least-reflective bodies in the solar system . Phobos is highly nonspherical, with dimensions of 27 × 21.6 × 18.8 km . Because of its shape alone , the gravity on its surface varies by about 210% .
Also for the record I'm pretty sure I'm the second least-reflective body in the solar system . Man , I need to get outside more . Anyway , as I was saying , for once the woman came to me . Which of course made the whole "lets get together" and then "no thanks" bit all the more devastating . A classic twist on the TSdates.com experience we've all come to know and love . I was so enraged that I dranks a Jones pure cane soda and went to bed after watching the Lakers finish off the Jazz . Sure , I would have done that anyway , but now I was doing it out of pure anger . Well , maybe just 90% anger .
Recent images from Mars Global Surveyor indicate that Phobos is covered with a layer of fine-grained regolith at least 100 metres thick ; it is believed to have been created by impacts from other bodies , but it is not known how the material stuck to an object with almost no gravity .
Now we come to the scary part . I got jipped again , no big deal , its my own fault for trying , etc. But it got me to thinking . In order to verify a hypothesis a particular experiment has to be repeatable . Otherwise its just an outlier yeah ? So that means that as far as the scientific commmunity is concerned I've never had sex ! Which I think we can all agree is an ourtage . Stupid eggheads , how dare they judge me ? Its not like I'm not trying here Einstein ! Okay , maybe its a lot like that , but I am trying a little . I'd even go so far as to say its the old college try because who really tries that hard in college ? Actually that's not an apt comparison at all because the one thing college people do try hard at is having sex . The point is scientific community , I may not be exerting much effort here but I AM . So get off my back .
Phobos orbits Mars below the synchronous orbit radius , meaning that it moves around Mars faster than Mars itself rotates . Therefore it rises in the west , moves comparatively rapidly across the sky (in 4 h 15 min or less) and sets in the east , approximately twice a day (every 11 h 6 min). Since it is close to the surface and in an equatorial orbit , it cannot be seen above the horizon from latitudes greater than 70.4°.
So in conclusion I may be down , but I am not out . I will continue to persevre - not in the trying really hard way , but in my own lazy , no chance of ever working way . I'll call it the American way . Because sure , there may be no realistic hope for success but that doesn't stop me from REALLY wanting it to work . And if that doesn't say America then I don't know what does . Also Phobos is cool .
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We did it !
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Posted:Jan 13, 2008 9:10 am
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2013 10:11 am
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Victory is mine ! My long-standing and bitter feud with sex "expert" and TSdates.com "advice" columnist Savanna Samson is over ! It wasn't for the weak of heart , but its finally over . She's gone baby , GONE , and I'm still standing ! What's the matter Vivid Girl ? Couldn't handle a little bit of the truth ? Canjun style ! But I don't want to rub it in too much , I mean what chance did she really have ? How can a porn star possible know more about sex than me - a man who's had literally ones of sexual partners ? Plus there's the fact that she's from out west and I'm a good 'ol American midwesterner . As much as I want to gloat about my complete and utter victory here it really wasn't a fair contest . I probably should congradulate here for putting up as tough of a fight as she did , but I won't . So long loser !
And what's even more impressive she had the powers that be at TSdates.com on her side . They singled handedly blocked my attempt to become president of this online community JUST because of my opposition to her and her ridiculously horrible answers to people's questions . If not for that I'd be giving my TSdates.com state of the union address right now . Am I bitter ? Yes , but that's not what's important here , what's important is that I won and Savanna lost . Now all she can do is go back to her fancy mansion and her piles of money and her adoring fans and cry like the loser she is . While I on the other hand get to . . . . do . . . . uh . . . . well , the point is that I won .
Do I have any regrets ? A few . Mostly they stem from the time I challenged her boyfriend (UFC fighter Randell McGoven) to a no-holds-barred streetfight . But on the other hand if I hand't done that I'd still have that bone in my spine but I wouldn't have the memories . Plus , I got a couple of good punches in . Really it wasn't as one sided as people say . And for the record I was not screaming for my mommy , I was saying something in Welsh . Which you know was also pretty embarrassing , but it is what it is .
Anyway , it sounds like Savanna Samson is out and Monique Alexander is in . We'll have to wait and see how this one turns out . Her sample advice didn't exactly fill me with a lot of confidence in her abilities , but I really don't want to get emroiled in another one of these things . I lost a year of my life trying to destory Savanna Samson and while it was totally worth it I don't know if I can go through it again so soon . So let's all welcome Monique Alexander and hope that she's a better sexpert than Savanna was . Otherwise its on Monique Alexander , its on . Just know that I'm supporting you , but I've got my eye on you too .
Victory
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I may be a lousy lover , but at least I'm trying
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Posted:Dec 26, 2007 8:50 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 1:54 pm
95321 Views
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My father always told me - "Never fall in love. Love only leads to , and are a curse. Stay single, ." Which to me sounds like an endorsement for casual sex - or devoting your life to God maybe . But even though an alarming new study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health reveals that casual sex , the practice of engaging in frequent , spontaneous sexual encounters with new and exciting partners , may only provide unimaginable pleasure and heart-pounding exhilaration for , at most , 25 to 30 years I've decided to follow that path . And , I've done my best but so far the results have been less than stellar . Most of the comment cards I hand out afterwards never get filled out , but there's a few samples from those that were -
"It felt like my body was being probed by aliens ."
"I wasn't even sure anything had happened ."
"Hey , at least you're a nice guy ."
"What did I ever do to you ?"
"Are you sure you're not gay ?"
So you can see my point , but I would like to rebutt a few of those before I continue . I think that first one was supposed to be a critisism but can you really be sure ? Maybe being probed by aliens would feel good . No one really knows right ? Aside from that guy in that crappy Communion movie . Or Fire in the Sky I guess . Plus , that gay comment , not only is that somewhat non-PC it also doesn't make a lot of sense . If I was gay wouldn't I be good at ass fucking ?
But back to my main point - I may not be any good in the sack , but at least I'm out there right ? Most people find out they're sexually worthless and they give up . You know what I call those people ? Quitters . Perfectly rational and justified quitters . They have the right idea , if you're not good at something - especially something so potentially humilitaing as sex - you SHOULD give up . But that's not how I operate . Just because there's ever logical reason in the world for my to abandon all hope of sexual prowess that doesn't mean I'm going to .
Quite the opposite in fact . Knowing that I'm doomed only makes me dig my heels in even more . Some people say that makes me stubborn , I contend that it makes me a true American patriot . Lost causes are what this nation is all about right ? I may cum too quickly , fumble inteptly , not be able to take off a bra , not know what the clit is , or believe in the female orgasm , but that doens't mean I can't be a great lover one day right ? You think Casanova was great right out of the chute ? Well probably yeah , but my point remains valid .
I have a dream that one day I'll have sexual intercourse with a real live woman and when its all said and done she'll look me square in the eye and say "that wasn't so bad" . I am working hard to realize the notion that a woman can just exaggerate a orgasm rather than wholely faking it . I swear that one day I will actually put my penis in someone's vagina instead of just pretending and using my thumb . With some luck I might even perform oral sex on a lady - however the hell you do that . I'm sure its on wikipedia .
The point is that I am not defined by my awful sexual performance - I am not a man who is bad in bed , I am a man who's working hard to get better . And that is admirable . Some people see things as they are and say why ? I see things the way they should be ans say why not ? Some people point and laugh , I laugh it off and start again . Some people say they're rather die than ever let me see them naked again , and I say I'd rather die than never be naked with someone again .
I'm getting better every day people , and its only a matter of time until I'm not the worst lover in the world . And then who's going to be laughing ? I stand as a testament to the spirit of the human will , and the will of the human spirit . Do I persue the unattainsble ? Perhaps , but it is that persuit that makes a person great .
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Lets get it together people
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Posted:Dec 19, 2007 8:55 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 1:54 pm
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I've finally come to this rather shocking conclusion - its not me , its you . Take a moment and just let that one sink in for a few seconds . Its hard to belive I know , but lets face the facts here - its you . YOU'RE the one with the problem . Its time you got your shit together ladies and we did this thing .
Just consider this - if every woman in the world agreed to have sex with me once , just once , in their lifetime - I'd be set for life . And come on women of the world if having unsatisfying sex once in your life is all you have to deal with you're coming out ahead on this deal . Even if we just talk about North America there's still way more supply than demand . Its called teamwork people and its about time we got our asses in gear .
Bill Bethel said "A successful team is a group of many hands but of one mind" . And I say that those hands should be your hands ladies , softly caressing my admittedly inferior penis but rather spectacular balls . I mean its only one time in your whole life - and its not like its going to last very long either ! What's a few minutes out of a whole lifetime ?
Helen Keller said "Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much" . She was blind and had wooden hands and even she got it . Alone I can do very little - but bring in a few ladies and there are all kinds of possibilities . Can I fingerbang my own pussy ? Hell no ! I don't even think I have one for the love of Pete .
There's a Chinese proverb that says behind every able man there are more able men . Oh , that one's kind of homoerotic . But I guess the principal remains the same . Even though I don't want . . . . . let's just move on here .
Andrew flippin' Carnegie said "Teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision. The ability to direct individual accomplishments toward organizational objectives. It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results" . Allows common people (all the ladies out there) to attain uncommon results (me having sex) what could be more clear ?
The point is you've been selfish long enough - its time for us to pull it together and start being the TEAM that I know we can be . Its us against the world baby ! Its the bottom of the ninth , the fourth quarter , the fifteenth round , there's three seconds left on the clock and SOMEBODY better let me see them naked or all is lost ! LOST I say .
There is no I in team . Its penUS ladies , not penME .
Its not me - its you . So shape up .
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Bad news folks
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Posted:Dec 11, 2007 8:34 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 1:54 pm
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With the help of NASA and the Gallup people I've finished my analysis . It was a long and painstaking process but the results are finally in . And its not great news . The chances of me ever having sex again are statistically insignificant . Which is a real shame because I think I was starting to get the hang of it - I figured out where the vagina is and everything .
On the one hand I can't say that I'm completely surprised by these results - in fact I had a sneaking suspicion all along that that's what I'd come up with - but that doens't make it any less disappointing . Tragic inevitability ? Maybe .
But as a wise man once said (he was on TV so I assume he's wise anyway) just because something is hopeless that doesn't mean that you give up hope - that means that you have to hope even harder . And , if necessary , cover your ears and go "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA" . Lets hope that it doesn't come to that but I have to be prepared for the possibility . So the odds are against me ? So what ? It was a mathmatical impossibility that I'd ever have sex in the first place right ? And I managed to climb that mountain . Ever now and then David beats Goliath right ? Keep hope alive .
But I also have to be realistic , if the odds against coitus are slim (to none) than just hoping it will happen is foolishness - I need to do something to make it happen . So lets examine the factors that make this improbability to improbable shall we ?
First off I'm monstrously ugly - there's little I can about about that right ? Perhaps , but then again wardrobe can go along way . Brad Pitt is actually quite disgusting if you get a good look at him - he just has a good fashion sense . But this brings us to another problem . . .
I'm wretchedly poor . Another sticky wicket - especially since I heard that it takes money to make money . But there's always gambling right ? And white collar crime . Both foolproof ways to making a little coin . Unfortunately that brings up . . .
I'm a dirty fool . Since one may be unresolvable . Sure its not my fault I'm borderline retarded , I didn't eat paint chips or watch baseball or anything , its just the luck of the draw . But I can take solace in the fact that most people are stupid and people like people like themselves . So sure I'm dumb but that's not totally a bad thing right ?
I think the main point here is to keep a positive attitude - because you never know what's going to happen . Science may say that I'll never again see a real live naked girl , but science can't explain everything . What about gravity ? Huh science , explain that ! And mirrors - who even knows what they are ? The boundaries of science are expanding every day right ? Who knows one day they might come up with something that gives me a small chance to have sex again one day .
And a small chance is all I need .
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Awesome Asian Anal Amateur Alliteration
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Posted:Dec 2, 2007 8:21 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 1:54 pm
97079 Views
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Enough with the Asian anal sites ‒ there’s I said it . It needed to be said and frankly its been a long time coming . Don’t get me wrong , I like anal sex , I like Asian women ‒ but enough is enough is enough . Is enough . Alliteration is all well and good but come on people lets branch out here ‒ Asians have been carrying lion’s share of the anal sex banner for long enough . I say we let some of the other races take a crack at it ‒ its only fair right ? After all this is America , a land where we have the freedom for people of any race , class , or creed to take it up the butt . Why would we want to let that freedom go wasted or be taken for granted ? Where are the Hispanic anal sites ? Or the Indian ones ? Or Eskimos ? Or whatever Solidad O’Brien is ? Its called equality and its high time for it . Give someone else a chance people .
Besides its not really fair to the Asians is it ? I mean lets face it , anal sex is an acquired taste ‒ there can’t be that many Asian women out there eager for backdoor action . But because they both start with an A they’re funneled into it anyway . Think about it you work hard to become a porn star and all you can get are anal roles ? Its enough to make you want to quit the business I bet . Which is just sad . If there’s one thing we need more of its porn stars . Plus consider this ‒ an episode of South Park I saw led me to believe that Asian men have very small penises , so these Asian ladies probably aren’t all that worried about the anal sex . But then wham , some white dude comes in with this massive dick and changes that attitude in hurry . And what if it was a black guy ? That’s just cruel .
Now I know that you’re thinking ‒ “its not like the porn industry is known for innovation , they just do the same thing over and over again” . So you think I’m barking up the wrong tree ? Perhaps , but I think it’s a matter of perspective . The porn industry may seem stagnant but consider the fact that seventeen porn movies are made each minute ‒ that’s a massive amount of output and they can’t all be winners . I think for the huge volume they put out they do the best they can . After all people have been having sex for almost 100 years now so pretty much anything that can be done has been done ‒ its hard to come up with anything new . I just don’t think we need to further exacerbate the problem by handcuffing ourselves with alliteration .
Plus if alliteration is your thing what about Naughty Nepalese Nipples ? Or Filthy French Fuckers ? Beautiful Bhutanese Buttfuckers ? Pretty Portuguese Pussies ? Titanic Tibetan Titties ? Raunchy Russian Rimming ? Dutch Doggystyle Dynamite ? Sure I’m mixing up nationality with race but at least I’m trying . Come on porn industry give the Asian assholes out there a break . I’m begging you .
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How to score a Mega-Hottie
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Posted:Nov 28, 2007 8:12 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 1:54 pm
97223 Views
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Let’s not mess around here - let’s get right to it . The eight tips you need to score a Mega-Hottie .
Begging ‒ Women respond to confidence right ? Of course , but we’re not talking about mere women here , we’re talking about Mega-Hotties . And they hate confidence . Why ? Because they have it , in spades ‒ too much in fact . So much so that they’re sick of it . Mega-Hotties aren’t going to look at a confident man twice . But , give them a sniveling sycophantic pig-man and you’ll raise a few eyebrows . It may be hard to beg if you have something they call pride , but just spend a few hours watching MTV and that should go away . And when you’re begging don’t be afraid to grab onto a leg and blubber like a little baby - its sexier than you might think . To a Mega-Hottie .
Harelips ‒ Get one . Now . Why ? Its like a mustache , only instead of hair its your SKIN . If that’s not bad-ass I don’t know what it , nor do I want to . Mega-hotties love bad-asses like you love pudding ‒ its not really explicable you jus know its delicious . The real conundrum is that while they love bad-asses they hate things that bad-asses do . That’s why the harelip is the prefect compromise ‒ it makes you look like a badass even if you’re a pathetic simpering wussy , which odds are you are . If you aren’t lucky enough to have a harelip naturally I suggest making out with a weed-whacker , which is alright even if you’re not trying to get a sexy facial disfigurement .
Stove-pipe hat ‒ It doesn’t matter if you wear them , collect them , or just think they’re neat ‒ its pure Mega-Hottie gold . This one I can’t quite explain , but the statistics are undeniable . Personally I think they’re kind of pompous and antiquated but then I’m not a Mega-Hottie , not even a little bit . The only thing I can think is that the shape of the hat somehow reminds them of squids ‒ and who doesn’t get horny when they think about squids ? Maybe Mega-Hotties just have a thing for milliners . Who knows , just get yourself one .
Wear a dress ‒ This one attracts the Mega-Hotties on several different levels . First of all it gives them a chance to double their wardrobe , which is something everyone can appreciate . Plus it shows that you can sympathize with them to a certain degree about the plights not just of women , but of Mega-Hotties . And lastly it’s a scientifically proven fact that wearing a dress makes you .7% less likely to be the victim of a shark attack , and 1.2% less likely to suffer a fatal shark attack . If there’s one thing Mega-Hotties like (and there’s not , there’s eight) it’s a man who’s not been gnawed on by a shark .
Don’t wear shoes ‒ This one is simple , it makes you look like a sexy shoeless god of war . Now a normal woman wouldn’t be into a god of war (shoeless or otherwise) because they don’t like violence . But Mega-Hotties do , or at least they think they do . It’s a fine line really . Making them think you’re a god of war is good , actually waging war and whatnot is bad . So that’s why the no shoes is good . Its kind of like the harelip principal . Also shoes suck anyway , you shouldn’t wear them even if you don’t care about Mega-Hotties .
Know your Greek mythology ‒ Do you know how many Muses their were ? Can you name all the Titans ? Could you pick the guy who castrated Uranus out of a line-up ? Well if you want some sweet Mega-Hottie action you better . Mega-Hotties are into men that know the classics because it shows that you have a connection and understanding of the eternal forces of the world ‒ like Mega-Hotness . Its comforting to them , it puts them at ease and makes them feel safe . If you want to get in with a Mega-Hottie just start with this line ‒ “Hey there sweet baby according to Walter Burkert , the defining characteristic of Greek anthropomorphism is that the Greek gods are persons , not abstractions , ideas or concepts .” Shoot the moon baby . That’s an expression Mega-Hotties like by the way .
Talk about Die Hard , all the time ‒ Not ANY of the sequels . None . Die Hard was the perfect Mega-Hottie movie , it had Bruce Willis , walking on glass (no shoes) , and it was supposed to be named Big Building Fight . You need to keep track of your conversation at all times ‒ if you can’t remember the last time you’ve said something about Die Hard its time to say something . Good choices include ‒ “Now I have a machine gun . Ho ho ho” , “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker” , “Take THIS under advisement , jerkweed” , and of course “You should have heard your brother squeal when I broke his fucking neck .” Any of those should get you back on the right track .
Dress like a slob ‒ Its just easier .
Now , once you’ve mastered these eight tips for scoring a Mega-Hottie there’s one more secret tip ‒ there is no such thing as a Mega-Hottie . This is America people and pretty much everyone has an ass that’s two-axhandles wide ‒ and that ain’t Mega-Hot , not even a little bit . So don’t waste your time trying to score a Mega-Hottie because they don’t exist . Which is a real shame because if they did exist these tips would be really useful .
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Mormons , drunk eskimos , jellyfish , and a Soloflex
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Posted:Nov 26, 2007 8:35 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2008 11:31 am
102408 Views
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The holiday season is uponst us once again and as the year comes to and end it’s a time for quiet contemplation and somber self-reflection . As we approach the time when we celebrate the birth of our savior we look inward and examine not just the past year but our hopes and dreams for the future . Its at times like this that I feel its important that we all gather together and remember that one time I almost had a threesome ‒ the good kind . Some might say “what does Christmas have to do with you almost getting it on with two ladies ?” Well if you think about it it makes perfect sense . After all Jesus lived and died so that I might have the chance to nail too classy ladies at the same time without having to worry about spending eternity in hell for doing so . And , in the larger sense consider this ‒ when you’re nailing a hot piece and you look down and see an equally hot piece getting her pussy picked and nuzzled like there’s no tomorrow you’re about as close to the face of god as you can get . The three-way is a rare and miraculous thing ‒ one that reaffirms for us not only that a higher power exists , but that that power is not only benign but benevolent .
My story of the time I almost had a three-way begins , as they most often do , in Phenix City , Alabama . The year was 1997 , a year that saw such marvels as - Titanic becoming the highest grossing “movie” of all time , Red Skelton dying (or so the Masons would have you believe) , production began on a movie that would ruin the lives of Star Wars fans everywhere, construction began on the international space station , a bunch of annoying stoners decided that everyone needed to hear about a crappy band that can’t spell , and people were just starting to freak out about Y2K . At the time I was sharing my apartment with a girl named Siavuk who claimed to be an Inuit but who we all know was really an Eskimo . She had a little bit of a drinking problem but she was always on time with the rent and she was always cool when I “accidentally” walked in on her while she was showering .
There I was one day working out on my Soloflex (in the nude of course) while eating some pretty tasty baby back ribs and singing “Don’t Fear The Reaper” . Sidenote 1 ‒ you should fear the reaper . Sidenote 2 ‒ the key to working out and eating ribs is to eat them at a faster rate than you’re working out to make sure you still gain weight . Anyway , there I was doing my thing when out of nowhere I got barbecue sauce on my testicles . Needless to say I was stunned and couldn’t even move ‒ we all know that Alamaba state law prohibits the application of condiments to any of the various parts of the male genitalia . While I was momentarily frozen by fear of Alabama state troopers in walked Siavuk . She had had a few drinks for breakfast but she spotted my saucy dilemma almost immediately , and despite her impairment she sprang into action . I think you know what I’m saying right ? That girl loved barbecue sauce , I tell you what . Anyway , she handed me a towel and I was able to wipe off the sauce before any law enforcement personnel were any the wiser . Its okay to talk about it now because the statute of limitations on such a crime is only seven years .
Just then came a knock on the door , and despite my unclad state Siavuk answered the door ‒ revealing a friendly Mormon wanting to tell us about her “religion” . Needless to say she was somewhat startled by my impressive dangling man-bits but we quickly assured her that there was no condiment on genital action and she was reassured . I found out that her name was Laurentine as we all had sandwiches and she told us about whatever Mormonism is about ‒ it was hard to make it all out what with the accent and all . Once we finished I became aware that some Miracle Whip had dripped onto my scrotum . Needless to say I was a little embarrassed . Thankfully the girls noticed and they knew just want to do ‒ they dropped to their hands and knees . They also bowed their heads so they wouldn’t see while I cleaned myself up . I thanked them and we decided to head down to the beach . Mormons and Eskimos love the beach ‒ and we all know that Alabama has the nicest ones in this hemisphere .
Once we got there I got a little bit of flack because it wasn’t a nude beach ‒ I tried to tell them I don’t put pants on unless I’m going to work or to church (or fight club , but I’m not supposed to talk about that) but I was still kind of upset . To make myself feel better I got a meatball sub , and wouldn’t you know it one of the meatballs fell off and bounced right off my penis like a fat off a diving board ‒ covering my junk with marinara sauce . I was humiliated . Thankfully Siavuk and Laurantine were there to help me out ‒ they got that look in their eyes , they licked their lips all sexy like they do , and their eyes drifted souothwards . To a towel that they held up to cover me while I ran into the ocean . The ocean is good for washing tomato-based sauce off your cock , but it also has its bad side ‒ the fearsome Alabamian Box Jelly .
I got stung , stung bad . Now I’m the toughest man in America ten times over but that pain was indescribable , it was more than I could bare . If Chuck Norris had been stung like I had he’d have cried himself to death inside of one-tenth of a second ‒ that’s how bad it was . Now we all know what you do with a jellyfish sting right ? Sad , but true . Laurentine offered to do it , but we all know that Eskimo urine is more powerfully full of ammonia . So it happened . And let me just say this ‒ no offense to anyone ‒ no matter what Patrick Stewart says there is NOTHING erotic about a woman going to the bathroom . Nothing . The pain was now bearable , but I had another problem , there was urine all over my dick . Which isn’t that uncommon normally , but this time it wasn’t my urine .
Laurentine and Siavuk offered to get it off with a slow , sensual bout of licking and sucking leading to some wild , no holes barred screwed , but that is just sick so I got the hell out of there . I mean come on people ‒ we’re talking about urine here .
Anyway on the way home I asked two hot babes if they wanted to get it on and they said “no thanks” , and that’s the time I almost had a three-way .
Happy Holidays !
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To link to this blog (40Deuce) use [blog 40Deuce] in your messages.
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