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To All The Blogs We've Loved Before
To All The Blogs We've Loved Before Apologies for the title, of course, to Mister Nelson and Señor Iglesias. Warning! The first several paragraphs of this blog post contain absolutely nothing about sex, or anything vaguely erotic. It's just verbal diarrhea, 'cause Pedro can't keep a fucking thought in his head without sharing it with a bunch of people that don't care. So, just skip on past. There's stuff about boobies below. We promise. Hello to all of my regular readers, a group which is growing larger than I had ever anticipated. I'm writing this post, but not really because of a demand for a new installment. I mean, Nicoletta did issue a kinda half-hearted order for me to write a new post, but it hasn't been long enough for her to really start demanding one in earnest. After the blog poetry, Annie and Nicoletta did request blog posts in all-limerick and all-haiku, respectively, but they can't reasonably expect that in any kind of timely fashion. Anyone asking for villanelles or sestinas gets a major beating. And not the good kind, ladies. I'm writing because, of course, I like the sound of my own voice. Not literally; this blog has no audio track (We covered this a few posts back, remember? Try not to forget stuff like that.). I mostly write this to amuse myself; it's nice that some of you like it, too. This is kind of a common trait among bloggers, I'm sure. I recently read Publishers Weekly's rather dismissive review of Mentally Incontinent, by Joe Peacock, which said, "[his] antics fall flat on the page; one gets the feeling that, like many blogger-authors before him, Peacock is his own biggest fan." Well, duh. Of course a blogger is his own biggest fan. You really think I'd make you people read this crap if I didn't think it was the greatest thing since Ulysses? Hell, no. If I didn't think it was worth reading my posts, I would rewrite them until they were worth reading. Which is exactly what I do with most of them. Usually several times — turns out, I'm a teensy bit OCD. Anyone who writes has one of two opinions of themselves. Most commonly, they think they are the wittiest, most clever, most brilliant voice of their generation. Call this Kanye West syndrome, if you like. On any city block, there are two or three people sitting on unpublished novels that they think would completely revolutionize literature if only they were published. They are wrong, of course. Like milk stored in a warm room, unpublished novels only stink worse as time goes on. Hell, half of these novels aren't even finished let alone published. And unpublished novelists still fantasize themselves to sleep imagining all the glowing things the critics will write about them one day. Hell, some of them probably even masturbate to the fantasy. Warning! Don't let Pedro draw you in to reading this crap. Stay strong, and keep skipping paragraphs 'til you get to the good stuff about sex. OK, there was one tiny reference there to masturbation. It's a trap; he's trying to trick you into reading. But this is still decidedly unsexy stuff that isn't really of interest to anyone except Pedro. What the fuck does he think he's doing, anyway? Seducing female grad students from the English Lit. Department? Hell, even I have an unfinished novel. It's about a cockroach, see … wait, you haven't gotten to the good part … he wanders into town … a town of cockroaches, I mean … just gimme a sec here, it really comes together … and he wants to seduce the cockroach princess, so he has to go on a dangerous quest … not interested? Really? Did I mention it also features 15th century knight and poet Sir Thomas Malory? Still not interested? Well, OK … on with the blog, then. The point here is that most people that write, even the god-awful ones, do so because they are their own biggest fans. The only other kind of writer is the kind who thinks his work is trash. And most of them secretly don't believe it, either. They just like to fantasize about how they'll only be appreciated after their deaths, like Kafka and Emily Dickinson. I'm not one of the latter types of blogger. I'm pretty damn full of myself. In fact, sometimes I get so full of myself that there's an overflow, and Annie ends up full of me, too (*rimshot* Thanks, folks. My name is Pedro Z. Romero, and I'll be performing here at the Starlight Lounge all week.). I feel perfectly entitled to toot my own horn, too. I have 12 inches that's always hard, and I know how to use it to please the ladies. That's right, I mean the cast-iron skillet I use to make pancakes. And that, in a very oblique way, brings us to the subject of why this blog post is not your latest installment of snark about single men. Warning! You think he's finally going to get around to the actual good part of the blog post now? Don't believe his lies. Just keep refusing to read. The snark tank, you see, is empty. Right now, I am in way too good of a mood to be able to muster up any cutting wit. Don't blame me; blame Annie, my wonderful, beautiful, fantastic, amazing, loving, splendiferously uxorial wife. You see, this past weekend, your humble blogger's wife arranged something special for him; we're going to call it an early Christmas present. It's fairly normal for Annie to just be unable to wait on the really big stuff until the appropriate gift-giving occasion. When we were first dating, she made me suffer through choir-boy chastity for over three months before finally giving in. This, despite flaunting the fact that she was usually a kinda slutty girl. As our first Valentine's Day closed in, she started dropping hints that, if I did it up right, I'd probably finally get some. Then, she unexpectedly put out a week-and-a-half before Valentine's Day. That's Annie for you; unlike the men she likes, she just can't keep from blowing her wad prematurely. I can't really reveal the details of what Annie did for me to put me in such a good mood. Annie and I pride ourselves on being discrete people. Yep, that's right, we are two entirely separate individuals, not a massive lump of continuous flesh like some sort of bizarre opposite-sex Siamese twins. What's relevant here, though, is that we also endeavor to be discreet people, and not say anything that would compromise the privacy of others. Seriously, people, "discrete"/"discreet." They mean different things. This isn't that hard. Warning! Yes, Pedro; I can feel the sarcasm rising within you. Come to the snark side. We can rule the blogosphere as blogger and sardonic alternate voice. So, without revealing too many details, I'll tell you that there had been something I had wanted very badly for quite a few years. And something else that I had really wanted pretty much since puberty. And Annie made sure I got them both. In one night. She's pretty freaking awesome, and I'm in way too good a mood now to mouth off about minor missteps by single men. Hell, a single man could probably punch me in the face right now and I wouldn't mind. There's no such thing as a free lunch, except when someone gives you lunch without requiring anything in exchange or holding any expectations involving you. Aside from that, though, people generally have to make some kind of sacrifice to get what they want. And Pedro is no exception. I held pretty extensive negotiations with the wife, and here's what I had to give up: And, of course, I also offered a few concessions prior to negotiations to butter her up. Namely: And, since it's never a bad idea to get a girl's best friend on your side when you want something, I buttered up Nicoletta as well, so that she'd put in a good word for me. In exchange for helping persuade Annie, she was promised: And, of course, when I got what I wanted, I was to provide: Looking back over the list of seven things, some quite substantial, that I was required to give up in order for Annie to give me what I wanted, I can only reach one conclusion. It was totally worth it. In fact, it was a steal at that price. Warning! Dammit, Pedro, it's obviously something about sex. Just freaking tell the people. If you aren't going to make fun of single men, at least titillate someone. This blog post has been entirely useless so far. So, I'm in way too good a mood to make fun of even the most incompetent single guys. Sorry. Maybe next time. In the meantime, though, I'm going to give you something to read. I'm just not going to write it. I've been meaning to give some shout outs to some other really good blogs here on TSdates.com. I figured that a post in which I'm not providing you your usual entertainment is a pretty good time to do that. You can go read these other fine blogs while cursing me under your breath for disappointing you. More realistically, you'll find a blog out there that's much better than mine, and go read it instead. All of my links are posted without permission, because I didn't think far enough in advance to ask these people for permission before posting links. But, who the hell writes a publicly accessible blog and then complains that people are reading it? Still, if you are a blogger I link to, and you'd rather have the link removed, just let me know and I'll be happy to provide you the courtesy of being made fun of in a public forum. The first blog I'd like to mention is [blog MauiJaneDoe] by MauiJaneDoe. Earlier this week, she gave us an extremely flattering shout-out, and now it looks like I'm just sheepishly trying to return the favor. Of course, this post was already half-done when she wrote her reference to us, but it took this long for me to finish and post it. Like I said, I'm kinda OCD, so I spend a lot of time rewriting and revising these things to get them just right before putting them online. I was actually considering trying to make my obsessive perfectionism a selling point to women. I asked Annie, "Do you think it would be a good idea to write a bit in the blog about how I eat pussy the same way I write blog posts?" Annie thought for a minute and said, "I'm not sure that's a good idea. What do you mean by that?" "Perfectionism, attention to detail … that sort of thing." "Oh. My first thought about your technique for blog post writing is that your first eight attempts at any post are unsatisfactory." "Y'know," I said, "I think I'm just going to leave that bit out." Warning! Pedro is once again trying to force dialogue into a blog post where it doesn't belong. The boy's good at one narrative device, and too lazy to learn any other writing techniques. He's like the creepy guy at the orgy: trying to jam that thing in anywhere he thinks it may fit, often without warning anyone. I think his mother used to lock him in a closet all day, and the only books in there were Plato's Dialogues and the Talmud. Remember, a policy of appeasement is just going to encourage him, so stay strong and refuse to read any sentence that begins with quotation marks. Anyway, I do highly recommend Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger. It's smart and intuitive and talks about subjects that I don't go near. MauiJaneDoe really lets the reader inside her head. And, even though the blog is about her, it makes the reader think a lot about people in general and what they want. I particularly want to direct you to this post, not necessarily because it's her best, but because it relates back to the subject matter I write about here. She talks about how men without partners usually just don't get enough human contact. It made me think way back to my single days, and it was actually sort of a horrifying memory. I immediately went and found Annie and hugged her. Since then, I think she may have noticed I've been extra-cuddly, but maybe hasn't figured out why. The prospect of going without that physical contact is really terrifying. So, single guys — remember that post I made about the stench of desperation? Turns out, women can tell it's there by the way you touch and react to touch, because lonely guys really need to be touched by any other human. This is another reason, probably, that it's easier to be a married man on this site than a single one. If you want to make a better impression, get more human contact so that you come across as less desperate. Play with your more, if you have any. Get a massage. Or maybe all you single guys could have movie night, and cuddle with each other under a blanket while you watch romantic comedies. That could work. It's a funny thought for the rest of us, at least. Also, MauiJaneDoe can drop a reference to being "Argus-eyed" like it's nothing, and I have a soft spot in my heart for people who make mythology references. That brings me to my next blogger, ArtemisJ, who writes a blog called Keeping It Real. I was really excited to find another mythology nerd writing a blog here. But that's all I'm going to say about her in this post. I've already started writing my next post (Of course. Since it takes me about eight revisions to finish one, I have to write ahead.), and it's mythology-themed, so I'll save the main shout-out for then. Warning! Pedro's written several paragraphs in a row without even attempting a joke. Does he think his readers are here for his deep insights? Just skip the paragraphs above. Of course, you've probably already read them, huh? Maybe we should've put these warnings before the thing we're warning you about, instead of after. The next blog to which I'd like you to direct your attention is the excellently named [blog Babylonian_] by the almost-as-excellently-named Babylonian_. She's witty, she's insightful, she points out things her readers need to know but haven't thought of. Most importantly, though, she reposts terrifyingly bad emails and chats from single men on this site. Reading these is like watching a train full of clowns derail. It's horrifying and sickening, of course, but I can't stop laughing. I am really, really, really tempted to make myself a fake single male profile, pretend to be in London, and send Babylonian_ the most god-awful come-on emails I can write, just so she might repost them. I told Nicoletta this when we were reading Babylonian_'s very first post, [post 2403307]. Nic said, "You should tell her that. 'You write funny shit,' is probably the nicest thing you can say to a blogger on this site." I thought about it for a minute, and replied, "Personally, I'd prefer to be told, 'Please fuck me, Pedro.' But maybe I'm the weird one." She narrowed her eyes at me and gave me the patented Nicoletta glare of death. Again. You'll notice that I'm mostly mentioning female bloggers. Well, there's a reason for that. Blogland is the only nation on earth entirely dominated by its female population. I believe we have discovered the mythical realm of the Amazons written about by Herodotus. In fact, as I've mentioned before, that's why I'm here. I blog for the same reason I took a dance class in college. I was never actually interested in learning ballet, but it was nice to be only male in a room with a dozen pretty girls. If you read enough blogs, you'll also notice that the Amazons have a pretty tight-knit community of bloggers that interlink to each other, issue blog challenges, and engage in various other sororal activities. Even though a few of this Amazon sisterhood read my blog, I mostly try and keep my head down and avoid notice, because I remember what the Amazons did to men they caught intruding in their realm. I was given a shout-out in spikheel's blog, [blog spikheel], so I figured I ought to say thanks. There are a few other male refugees here in blog land. We mostly spend our time hiding from the dominant females, like timid mammals in educational films about the dinosaurs. You may want to consider Surreptitiously Salacious by SurreptitiousGuy. I found it entertaining enough, but felt I had to mention it when he revealed that he can correctly use the word mirepoix and has a drawer in his kitchen reserved just for beans. Hell, I'd fuck the guy. Warning! Pedro would not actually fuck another man under any circumstances. He just uses irony liberally and hasn't quite gotten the message that tone of voice and inflection do not translate well to the internet. You're lucky I'm here to save your ass, Pedro. Without me, you might have ended up in an uncomfortable spot. Oh, and to SurreptitiousGuy: hope you aren't disappointed. If you're ever in North Florida, Annie would probably put out. She's kind of a slut for guys who can cook legumes. Speaking of the male blogger minority, the ladies also enjoy reading rm_Okcman22's blog, though it does need a better name. One blog I follow I hardly feel the need to mention, because it's got almost 3000 freaking followers. So, if you're reading this, you've probably heard of [blog womenlooking4fun] by womenlooking4fun. 3000 followers? Shit. I guess it's not like they have to maintain their herd by personally responding to every blog comment they receive … oh, wait, they do that. Way to make a man feel inadequate, ladies. I'm not going to spend a lot of time talking about LesbianXXXploits, because I'll probably mention them more extensively in a blog post later. You see, there's this thing they do on their blog that I really like. No, not posting naughty pictures, though that's nice, too. They generate a lot of reader interaction. They ask questions, usually in small clusters, and get answers. And I think that's awesome. I'd like to do it myself, but that's another blog post. And, of course, I'm saving the best for last. You are reading Nicoletta's blog [blog chc0981], right? You should be. She really likes to generate discussions with probing questions, and she's gotten pretty good at it. She makes you think, and invites you to share your opinion. Also, she updates way more than I do. A man should never compare his sexual technique to Nic's blog-writing technique. She decides to write something, then, five minutes later, she's done. Guys, this works for her when blogging. It does not work for you in bed. Please, do Pedro a favor, and don't make me listen to her complain about one more three-pump-chump. Thanks! Warning! If you disappoint Nicoletta in bed, or make an ass of yourself while emailing or chatting with her, she will mock you mercilessly and savagely to Annie and Pedro. Nicoletta is extremely dangerous, and should only be handled by trained personnel. Always wear proper safety equipment when handling Nicoletta. Never approach Nicoletta with anything but your A game. That's the whole post. Sorry about the decided lack of snark. I'm also sure that I missed some blogs that are great and deserved mention. I fully expected to be verbally abused in the comments by spurned bloggers in much the same fashion that Nic verbally abuses the guys on this site that don't meet her expectations. With the good mood I've got going, it's not going to bother me even a little. Warning! Pedro just kept up this lame "alternate voice" device for the entire blog post, even though it stopped being funny about the second time he used it. Seriously, folks, as the alternate voice, I was embarrassed to be a part of this, and would like to apologize to you for his lack of originality. I'd also like to apologize for there not being anything about boobies, even though I promised there would be. "Hmmmm," said Annie, "I'm not sure about the part that you made up about me making fun of you comparing your oral sex and blogging techniques." "Why not?" I asked. "It doesn't sound like me. That's more like something Nicoletta would say. Why didn't you credit her?" "Because I'm not used to making up conversations with her. She says so many snarky things that I usually just repeat them verbatim and pretend I've written something." "Well, it just seems to me that you're putting words in my mouth." "If there's something else you'd prefer I put in your mouth instead, dear …" She glared at me. "On second thought, just leave it the way it is." I guess she was already irked that I called her uxorial. She hates that word. |
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Thank you. Thankyouverymuch. Who doesn't like compliments? Well, me, actually, particularly when they're so gracefully phrased that I can't ignore them. I'm a slut for words too. I'd be blushing in private, though, except for the discrete/discreet thing. Babylonian - who is a brilliant writer and a very smart woman - and I were speculating in one of her comments sections on the potential hotness of the grammar police. I think she'd vote yes, if uniforms were involved. I came out with a resounding "no," because hall monitors, in their quest for order and conformity, couldn't possibly be hot. I'd hate to admit I was wrong, Pedro. Writing for the literate perv: [blog MauiJaneDoe]
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Then I definitely want him. If he'll wear a collar, I won't even mind his job as a hall monitor. Writing for the literate perv: [blog MauiJaneDoe]
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Pedro would like to clarify that he is not a bottom, will not wear a collar, and that the one of you that regularly comes within arm's reach is in serious trouble. Perhaps she needs some clarity on bottoms, who fits the definition, and who does not. I believe that grammar/spelling/punctuation nerds are certainly hot simply because they are nerds. All nerds are hot. Also, did we just join an Amazonian tribe? 'Cause it sure seems like a bloggy lovefest in here. I'm pretty sure I'm not eligible, being a man. But Annie can join. I'll be next door, hanging with the Gargareans.
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What does the "Z" stand for?
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What does the "Z" stand for? By coincidence, I answer that question in my next major blog post. And it isn't Zamboni, dammit!
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