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hippiechick1967 57F
13015 posts
6/27/2021 1:14 pm

Great question. I find both demoralizing as well even when I know going in (no pun intended) that there's ED in the house. Chalk it up to my own issues.

It happened to me for the first time just recently and I didn't like it. He told me he had it, and I wondered to myself why he hadn't taken anything for it. Does that stuff work?

I think I'd have to say PIV would be worse for me.

Elevate me...


spunkycumfun 61M/66F
36903 posts
6/27/2021 1:15 pm

Very interesting post.
From my experience only, I have taken the odd Viagra etc pill to get an erection. But what I found was that though the pill helped to maintain my erection, it didn't help in me getting aroused. I then realised that it was the pressure, mainly coming from me, that caused my erectile malfunction. I no longer swallow a pill and if the situation is not pressured then my cock will perform.
I know I haven't quite answered your question, which I suspect is that it's demoralising for both the man and woman but taking the pressure out of things by talking etc will lead to an uplifting result.


flowerkings2012 58M  
4309 posts
6/27/2021 1:33 pm

Interesting and important topic and rightly highlighting the female perspective and thought process and the questions running through your minds

As ever, communication and understanding help, as not all great sex revolves around penetration...and yet, full hard on matters, and so does male honesty, especially as we age. Any man who claims never to have suffered deflation to even semi hard, is a liar. It gets worse and so does the shrinkage the cock endures as we age also

Never tried the blue pill though if i was having sex, I should swallow the pride and have some on hand, in case. Far better to park the ego than lose out on sex and pleasure as not all women will be patient too long

The pressure to perform probably will have effect, as will nerves (sexless and single over two years now with another prolonged bout of celibacy beckoning had 12 year and 8 year bouts which i fear did te real initial damage)

Both are equally demoralizing for me as a man and prospect of women being unforgiving and moving on to someone else

I hope most women will be as intelligent and sensitive as you are hre and look forward to their answers- though no idea how honest they will be and how brutal


Granny872 68F  
3927 posts
6/27/2021 1:40 pm

In the case of two previous 'boyfriends', one had ED, the other suffered from premature ejaculation. Both men were over 50; one man was in his early 60's. All I know is that the one with ED refused to get medical treatment for it. The other guy I stopped seeing, not because of that physical issue but because of his personality and attitude.

From my point of view, speculation about my own emotions was ill-placed because both men had their own emotional issues or problems causing their failure to launch, or premature launch. Their problem, their obligation to figure it out.


flannel_light 58F  
3473 posts
6/27/2021 1:42 pm

For me it both. My ex lover could not get hard know matter what and he then stated taking a pill, but that did not work too well and I was left needing and wanting to be completely satisfied and I was not.

The Light is shinning and she is lonely and waiting in the darkness.


jajo696 66F
3721 posts
6/27/2021 1:47 pm

Such an interesting post Bj...

Just surmising what you felt for most, that it is a reflection of our ( the female) not being arousing enough. I think its rather difficult as we age not to take things like this personally, as we intrinsically know that things arent and arent working as they did when we were younger.
No personal experience with this, very little experience in general.

I think unable to get an erection plays with our minds more, while unable to maintain it, plays more on a physical level. Even though we can pivot into something else, missing that feel would be disappointing.
Waiting to hear the fellas weigh in on this.


Tmptrzz 58F
100048 posts
6/27/2021 2:03 pm

This is a very interesting post and a very important one as well, thank you so much for sharing it with all of us, because this unfortunately happens to many as we age.

As far as your question hun the day I can't turn a man on is the day I give up trying. I hope your enjoying a peaceful Sunday..


BiSussi 60F
968 posts
6/27/2021 2:18 pm

PIV is a must, if you want to live in heaven, if you are OK with existence, than oral, a dildo or Viagra will do
I like to be in heaven, needless to say with my young boyfriends I am all the time


I love pussies and adore nice dicks


redrockrascal 62M
23060 posts
6/27/2021 2:32 pm

The choice of unable to get and unable to maintain seems similar to rock and a hard place Pun semi-intended.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.


shoot_blanks 79M
727 posts
6/27/2021 2:40 pm

I've got it, ED that is, In 2002 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and underwent the surgery. In addition to removing my prostate the doc also removed half of the erection causing nerves, from the right side I believe, since the cancer on that side was more advanced. he was concerned that some cancer cells may have escaped. I've been using a penis pump and cock ring for 19 years to achieve and and maintain an erection; it's a pain to take a break in the action to "pump it up", but it works and is far better than the alternative
In 2005 I had a second go around with prostate cancer, even though I did not have a prostate. Indeed, some cancer cells had gotten out and were starting to grow again. 33 radiation treatments took care of that problem and I've been cancer free ever since.


lust4life59 62F  
2019 posts
6/27/2021 2:49 pm

I don't know if I found it demoralizing as much as disappointed.

The first time I encountered it was when I was married and my husband and I were polyamorous. He encouraged me to go and find "a young bull with a big cock" - his words to me, not mine, as a secondary. I never did listen well, I ended up with someone my own age, who couldn't get an erection at all. But, we could be sexual with each other without penetration, and I was still getting plenty of that from my husband. We were friends, we did things together, we were sexual without having sex if that makes sense. WE were together two years, and one time I made him masturbate until he did ejaculate. It was painful to watch how hard he worked at it, and I am not sure he enjoyed it at all either.

Fast forward to dating solo again after my husband died. I think the most "demoralizing" experience was a 3rd or 4th date with someone. We had had sex the date before, everything was in working order, and after dinner we started making out, and I was getting excited, that's for sure. Suddenly he stood up and said. "this isn't working" I'm going home. DO what? He then explained he had been having issues, viagra didn't work, and he wasn't going "to waste his time" (his words) on trying to relax and see if things would get better. I don't even know if that's demoralizing as much as humiliating for me. Needless to say I didn't see him again.

So I guess it goes to the way they handle it more than anything. I am NOT a sex therapist, nor a doctor.


magic97206 73M
17 posts
6/27/2021 3:38 pm

Going soft while having intercourse is very frustrating to say the least. There are fixes however. Talk to your urologist for options. I had an erector set installed and I am quite happy that I did. I always work now no more worrying about it.


resant78 42M  
3190 posts
6/27/2021 4:56 pm

totally no your fault!!

Before and during my separation, I could not get erect. (Stress and eventual Shingles) My health was not doing too well.
After separating and being on my own again, I slowly got my groove back.
I'm back to normal again, not as good as my 20's but at least everything is working as it should.

Not sure what the future holds for me, but I am telling myself to go to a doctor if things go south.


CleavageFan4U 64M  
66951 posts
6/27/2021 6:13 pm

Which is more demoralizing for men? Being unable to get an erection or being unable to maintain one? - YIKES - ummm, yes, I think either would be traumatic.

We have those same ads here. "Non-invasive, non-medication treatment for erectile dysfunction. No needles, no pills. We rebuild the blood flow in the veins." HECK I'm almost wanting to go to see just WHAT it is! Gotta be repeated sex with some 20-something hottie - right? What's left?

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hardguy0051 69M
413 posts
6/27/2021 10:49 pm

It's a design flaw, apparently-- or God's devine sense of humor.

After orgasm, an enzyme is released into the blood that causes blood vessels to relax. As we get older, that enzyme doesn't always wait for the signal... our bodies betray us.

I've experienced both fail-to-launch and mission-abort, end each made me feel terrible.

Fortunately, i was friends with my physician and, after a yearly checkup, he asked me if I had any questions or concerns, so i told him that sometimes Little Oscar goes AWOL. He smiled and said he had some samples for me to try.

I did; they work. I prefer Cialis over Viagra and Levitra


agelesssexylegs 78F
764 posts
6/27/2021 11:13 pm

Disappointing that he did not find me sexy or desirable enough to get hard or even maintain an erection despite the long oral session i gave him to try and help


PonyGirl1965 55F
17187 posts
6/28/2021 12:27 am

I don't have experience with this stuff, however I would feel like a failure either way.


secret_lade 47F
7630 posts
6/28/2021 3:36 am

Unable to get an erection.... On the outside I'm supportive and accepting but on the inside I'm dying inside. I'm not good looking enough, I'm not sexy enough, is there something wrong with me.... I've only had it happen with one partner who was a bit older than I am.


citizen4722 63M  
72135 posts
6/28/2021 8:58 am

I'll admit that it was mostly through nerves for me not getting an erection. I felt awful because the lady was let down (in more ways than one!)


flowerkings2012 58M  
4309 posts
6/28/2021 9:32 am

    Quoting agelesssexylegs:
    Disappointing that he did not find me sexy or desirable enough to get hard or even maintain an erection despite the long oral session i gave him to try and help
clearly I can't speak specifically about your particular experience, but I would bet that he did find you sexy and desirable -it's too easy to think in those terms when it's other things going on with us as a man. And I bet he will have been gutted, for himself, and for you at what took place


flowerkings2012 58M  
4309 posts
6/28/2021 9:34 am

    Quoting secret_lade:
    Unable to get an erection.... On the outside I'm supportive and accepting but on the inside I'm dying inside. I'm not good looking enough, I'm not sexy enough, is there something wrong with me.... I've only had it happen with one partner who was a bit older than I am.
I'd say pretty much the same thing I replied to ageless. It is so not a reflectoin on your looks or sexiness. It's something that happens, and will incerasingly happen to all men in time


smartasswoman 63F  
34724 posts
6/28/2021 10:02 am

I don't think I've ever experienced a partner not being able to get an erection at all. As to whether I've felt demoralized by someone losing it in the middle of PIV, usually I haven't felt that way. In one case I did sort of question whether he was really attracted to me, maybe because I already had questions on that front. Ironically, he was the one with an ironclad excuse (survivor of testicular cancer who had had one of his testicles removed, which apparently decreases testosterone).

Usually when deflation happened the partner would blame it on the condom...THAT part of the situation was definitely frustrating, since I'm all about the safe sex and wasn't about to test the theory by letting them try without one.


BiggLala 49F  
29861 posts
6/29/2021 8:51 am

In the one instance where I met a man with ED, it didn't occur to me to internalize his lack of an ability to get/maintain an erection. I think I was too pissed that he failed to mention it. I'm not so sure I'd think his condition was about *me*. And...there was probably a bit of selfishness thrown in there too. Oooops!

Although, perhaps I'd feel/think differently if said guy chose not to seek available remedy to be with me. Of course, there is no taking whatever color pill when the ED is due to a heart condition...as was in my case. Figures.

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aman4u1962a 59M
1918 posts
6/29/2021 11:34 am

    Quoting flowerkings2012:
    clearly I can't speak specifically about your particular experience, but I would bet that he did find you sexy and desirable -it's too easy to think in those terms when it's other things going on with us as a man. And I bet he will have been gutted, for himself, and for you at what took place
I totally agree with this.

As someone who has ED, and has suffered both the failure to get hard, and to stay hard while in the act, it has nothing to do with not finding my partner sexy or desirable enough.

At least for myself, if I didn't find you desirable and sexy, we wouldn't be trying to do the act in the first place. I am very aroused when unable to perform, and it is frustrating, maddening, embarrassing, and all of the other negative adjectives you want to throw in.

I take Viagra, and have used Cialis too. For me, either one has to be taken on an empty stomach and washed down with a lot of water in order to work. Even then, it doesn't always work. It takes some planning on when to take the pill if I think there's a possibility I'm going to have sex.

So to you women out there, it is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you.


resant78 42M  
3190 posts
7/3/2021 11:49 am

superbjversion2 replies on 7/3/2021 10:02 am:
I know (in my head) it's not my fault BUT when a partner consistently goes soft while in my pussy ... well, a gal starts to wonder.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish I could prove to you that it's not your pussy.


smartasswoman 63F  
34724 posts
7/3/2021 12:30 pm

    Quoting BiggLala:
    In the one instance where I met a man with ED, it didn't occur to me to internalize his lack of an ability to get/maintain an erection. I think I was too pissed that he failed to mention it. I'm not so sure I'd think his condition was about *me*. And...there was probably a bit of selfishness thrown in there too. Oooops!

    Although, perhaps I'd feel/think differently if said guy chose not to seek available remedy to be with me. Of course, there is no taking whatever color pill when the ED is due to a heart condition...as was in my case. Figures.
This sounds like something that I went through eleven years ago. I met a guy, liked him a lot. We were involved for five months and during that time never successfully had PIV (he was able to finish if I gave him oral). I asked him about the possibility of taking Viagra or whatever, he said he couldn't because of his high blood pressure.

I have to think it was a big factor in our relationship ending. He actually ended up ghosting me, but I was already having lots of internal debates with myself about whether I could go without PIV indefinitely and I'm sure he sensed my ambivalence.

The super grand irony of it all is that at this point I probably wouldn't be bent out of shape about that situation, since I have menopause-related intercourse pain.


CleavageFan4U 64M  
66951 posts
7/3/2021 5:40 pm

superbjversion2 replies on 7/3/2021 12:08 pm:
Sooo....what you're saying is that a man would be able get and maintain an erection with a 20something old hottie but not a normal woman?

I'll wait while you get your virtual foot out of your virtual mouth.

*********

NAH, I'm not buying the foot-in-mouth theory.

IN GENERAL - what ONE thing is going to work with the GREATEST percentage of older men? "Young stuff" - in some cases due to the high taboo / naughty factor. I like them TOO, but also know all someone closer to my age can offer.

Fair Enough
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travellerabc123 51M
3952 posts
7/5/2021 8:36 am

You are one of the very few people in the world who I find to end up being right about things when we don't agree.
But I've always believed this is one issue you take too seriously.
I believe I understand all the reasons for that. And I don't expect any changes.
I've just always hoped that you would experience someone who could make you feel a little differently. Maybe see a slightly different perspective.

Embrace the suck


JN63JPN 58F  
27028 posts
7/16/2021 4:31 am

It does make you wonder if you're not enticing or attractive enough if he can't get or stay hard. But then, a lot of men just dismiss the issue as an "age thing" and leave it at that.

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JustlomesumMe 66M
647 posts
7/18/2021 6:13 am

ED can also be caused by some of the medications you may take. I take one of the major ones and trying to lose weight to get off it. have lose close to 30 pounds and I am still taking it.

So nice to be insane; no one asks you to explain.


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