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And... She's off!!  

secret_lade 49F
14127 posts
1/8/2021 4:02 am
And... She's off!!


I received a bizarre phone call yesterday....

When the Ex Mother-in-law's memory depleted to the point that she no longer remembered any of her and had started to become combative, requiring the aid of a full time nurse, the ex family decided it was time to put her in assisted living.

It was a very sad day as my ex husband had been the last, remaining she could remember and that was now gone as well...

He was simply The Gray Haired Guy.

For her, the memory issues really prevent her from understanding the fact that she will not be seeing any family or friends until the COVID restrictions are lifted... She doesn't remember them.

For the family, this has been tough.

So, it was surprising to me to receive a phone call from an aide at the assisted living facility yesterday.

For starters, I'm not even a part of the family anymore.

Apparently the Ex Mother-in-law had staged an escape....

She picked her moment, knocked down her aide, and made a break for the door!

The 87 year old, 4'11", 90lb woman was on the run!

To her plan's demise, however, the doors have locking features on them preventing patients from being able to leave unattended. She is, after all, living in an assisted living facility where all of the occupants are experience memory issues.

How does this involve me?

Well, she'd apparently revisited a time, in her mind, when she had been needed to pick my oldest up from school while I was at a doctor's appointment.

She was inconsolable and they were hoping that a conversation with me could help.

I did talk to her.... And, whether it helped or not, I don't know. Over and over she had said she tried to pick up [oldest ], I could hear the despair in her voice.

I finally cut her off and reassured her that she had. I thanked her for being such a caring Grandma and appreciated all her help.

"I did?"

"Yep, you did. Remember? Pat gave you my lunch tab for [oldest ] and you lectured me about it. You said I should always pay extra because I don't know when he might want to have a little breakfast at school."

"Oh, I did. Did you pay that $5.25? I was going to give it to Pat but I didn't bring my purse in with me."

I couldn't help but chuckle a little..

"Yes, I gave Pat a $20 bill today when I dropped him off at school."

And, that was it....

At that point she'd handed the phone to her aide and the conversation was done.

I know I'm not a part of the family anymore, but this is just heartbreaking for me...

I hope to God I never have to experience the same memory issues she is going thought now.

secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
1/9/2021 4:35 pm

    Quoting tickles4us:
    Very kind of you and a well handled situation.
Thank you.


tickles4us 62M
7262 posts
1/9/2021 5:50 am

Very kind of you and a well handled situation.

Vive La Difference


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
1/9/2021 5:40 am

    Quoting  :

For her, it's been a quick decline. Up until about 4 years ago she was still living on her own and volunteering with the church and commission on the aging and doing her trips to Mexico with her friends... It started with her just being forgetful.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
1/9/2021 5:34 am

    Quoting reallyready46:
    So first, it was nice you helped. Being ex family or not it was kind of you to help someone you knew. Ex family is a funny thing. My ex tried to cut me off. Her Mother and Father learned some things that changed that. It tore me up to find out weeks after the fact when they died. They were both good people and I still grieve for their passing. Some people out there divorce and hate the whole ex family. My feelings were that most of the Family stayed out of our marriage, so why hate them. Kinda along the line of the sins of the Father should not become the sins of his son.

    I hope you all the best for whatever the future holds for you.
Thank you... His family has really never tried to cut me off. Maybe because of the kids, maybe because they all liked me and knew of my struggles with him. Considering they were really the only family I have, I'm glad they still accept me.


reallyready46 64M
1383 posts
1/8/2021 10:21 pm

So first, it was nice you helped. Being ex family or not it was kind of you to help someone you knew. Ex family is a funny thing. My ex tried to cut me off. Her Mother and Father learned some things that changed that. It tore me up to find out weeks after the fact when they died. They were both good people and I still grieve for their passing. Some people out there divorce and hate the whole ex family. My feelings were that most of the Family stayed out of our marriage, so why hate them. Kinda along the line of the sins of the Father should not become the sins of his son.

I hope you all the best for whatever the future holds for you.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
1/8/2021 9:58 pm

    Quoting mc_justmc:
    I remember my Grandmother when she didn't know who was who. Sad times.
I've never experienced this, to this degree. It's felt kind of scary to me, actually. It's almost becoming an anxiety trigger for me.... I was talking about it at work today and had to stop when I started feeling the tell tale signs of a panic attack coming on.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
1/8/2021 9:53 pm

    Quoting bustinout20202:
    You said exactly what needed to be said. I've worked in memory care, and while it is so very hard on the family...[in the field it's called "The Long Goodbye"], there are still some wonderful and tender moments to be made with a loved one! Kudos to you for your kindness.
I posted on here about the last time I saw her in person.... It was earlier this spring when she still remembered my ex. (She moved into the facility in August.) She was such a big part of our life, really, and present for everything. I appreciate her, she deserves all the kindness.


mc_justmc 63M

1/8/2021 5:37 pm

I remember my Grandmother when she didn't know who was who. Sad times.


bustinout20202 67F  
1080 posts
1/8/2021 5:30 pm

You said exactly what needed to be said. I've worked in memory care, and while it is so very hard on the family...[in the field it's called "The Long Goodbye"], there are still some wonderful and tender moments to be made with a loved one! Kudos to you for your kindness.

~~~" Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." --Mary Oliver~~~


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
1/8/2021 3:43 pm

    Quoting Paulxx001:
    That is sad.
    Nothing worse than loosing a lifetime of memories. Hmmm... Yep, THAT nightmare haunts me and saddens me when I see how it affects other families.
Oh, believe me, it's become a new fear of mine. I've never experienced it to this degree. When my grandma had cancer, her memory was affected, but she passed so quickly that I hadn't experienced it long term. I was able to blame it on the cancer.... She was diagnosed in January and passed in March.

This is different.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
1/8/2021 3:40 pm

    Quoting flannel_light:
    Being a nursing assistant for many years, I have seen this too many times. It is very sad. I hope and pray I am not like that. To me that is worse than having cancer
This is the first time I've ever had to experience this... And, it's been really, really hard. It's quickly becoming a fear of mine... My memories are so important to me. I don't want a day to come that I don't remember my kids.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
1/8/2021 3:37 pm

    Quoting westcountygirl:
    you are a sweet and kind person. actually made me hide a tear when i read your latest. being a good person is a tough job, but someone has to do it, lol. glad you can be that person. ty!
thank you for the kind complement.... I do my best to treat people the way I'd like to be treated in return. You never know what other people are going through out there, I'd rather be the bright spot in someone's day.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
1/8/2021 3:25 pm

    Quoting  :

You are right... The world would be a much better place if we all treated each other the way we would like to be treated in return.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
1/8/2021 3:24 pm

    Quoting big54al:
    You're a good person. Been there, done that
For a long time, she was there for me when I needed her. She went to every soccer game, every Christmas program, every band concert, every birthday, she was a babysitter when my daycare was closed, and more than once she took my oldest son to the doctor or dentist so I wouldn't have to miss work... I would literally do whatever it takes to ease her mind now. She deserves it.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
1/8/2021 3:14 pm

    Quoting citizen4722:
    This brings back memories of when my mother had to go into a care home. She had this look on her face as if to say "I know what you're doing to me..".
    It was heartbreaking but she did have the best of care and was soon used to her new 'home'.
They were going to keep her at home for as long as they could.... Until she became aggressive. I'm not an expert, but I'm thinking that part of her brain that controls emotion.... etc is also affected in her. She really just needs constant care now and it was too emotionally hard for the daughter that was taking care of her. To have your mom not know you and be physically combative toward you... From what I understand, they've got her in a pretty nice facility, she has 5 kids making sure she is well cared for.


secret_lade 49F
9227 posts
1/8/2021 3:07 pm

    Quoting jolielaide:
    and that's exactly what you do. you don't try to change the thought in their mind, you just go with it and reassure and say yes and all the other 'affirmative words'. YOU DID GREAT! you've said it in the past that you're "not part of the family anymore" but there are some ties that a divorce just does not break.
My ex's family all still treat me like I'm part of the family. I'm very fortunate, I know this isn't always the case in divorce, but when I see any of them I always say hi and more often than not we exchange hugs. I think part of it's because they like me better than my ex husband. LOL


jolielaide 52F  
1754 posts
1/8/2021 11:25 am

and that's exactly what you do. you don't try to change the thought in their mind, you just go with it and reassure and say yes and all the other 'affirmative words'. YOU DID GREAT! you've said it in the past that you're "not part of the family anymore" but there are some ties that a divorce just does not break.


citizen4722 66M  
74582 posts
1/8/2021 9:20 am

This brings back memories of when my mother had to go into a care home. She had this look on her face as if to say "I know what you're doing to me..".
It was heartbreaking but she did have the best of care and was soon used to her new 'home'.


big54al 69M
2259 posts
1/8/2021 7:51 am

You're a good person. Been there, done that


westcountygirl 57M/50F
136 posts
1/8/2021 6:58 am

you are a sweet and kind person. actually made me hide a tear when i read your latest. being a good person is a tough job, but someone has to do it, lol. glad you can be that person. ty!


flannel_light 61F
4586 posts
1/8/2021 5:26 am

Being a nursing assistant for many years, I have seen this too many times. It is very sad. I hope and pray I am not like that. To me that is worse than having cancer

The Light is shinning and she is lonely and waiting in the darkness.


Paulxx001 66M
22642 posts
1/8/2021 5:13 am

That is sad.
Nothing worse than loosing a lifetime of memories. Hmmm... Yep, THAT nightmare haunts me and saddens me when I see how it affects other families.


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