Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
Blogs > > My Blog |
Member Deleted Post
Member Deleted Post This post has been deleted by |
|||
|
Some things I could share.. Some words, by Debbie Love. --------------- Closure: Getting over it. Tags: breaking up, closed heart, communication, dating, finding the right partner, healing a broken heart, integrity, intimacy, issue resolution, love, relationship skills, relationships, resolving issues, trust issues Closure is a final step in healing a broken heart but you dont need anyone else, in order to get it. I need closure. How many times have you heard this? How many times have you said it? Somewhere along the way, we were taught that closure was necessary in order to heal a large emotional wound caused by a relationship. For some people, this translated into a mentality of victimhood where there is no way to heal without getting closure and for others, its used as an excuse to verbally injure someone in retribution. The big question is: is closure necessary to healing? Yes, yes it is but you dont need anyone else in order to achieve it, have it, and heal as a result of getting it. You dont need a therapist, a psychic, or your ex to help you have closure, (or even hear what you have to say). Closure is as simple as closing a book, and in many ways thats precisely what it is: you closing a volume in your life, putting it away on the shelf, and moving on to the next volume. Feeling the need for closure is something that can apply to any and all relationships in your life (parents, siblings, children, boss, employee, partner, etc). All it is, is negative emotion that lingers and holds you in the past keeping your heart (and YOU) closed, damaged or broken. All you need to do, is decide that you want to move on that you DESERVE to move on in order to achieve the closure that you desire. Let go of the notion that another person owes you closure because they dont. Everyone has their own truth, their own lessons to learn, and their own path to walk. All you need to focus on, and worry about, is YOUR growth and YOUR path. Giving another person the blame, means that youre giving them the power. The kind of closure most people desire is a fantasy, and its typically one that youll never get to have. And even if you DO get it it will always be a disappointment, it will never be enough. Why? Because, really lets be honest its a petty form of revenge. Even if you get to say all those things you want to say the other person is going to say things too, things you wont like to hear, things that are only going to create NEW pain. Its a rare person who will sit there, let you deliver your revenge speech, &/or yell at them, and stay quiet so that you can walk away in triumph. So do whatever it is that you have to do in order to get over it. Let it go. Even if you are 100% in the right youre not going to change anything by doing it, so release the need for that fantasy. Let go of the idea that another persons actions, decisions or rejection of you has anything to do with your self-worth or value as a person. Accept the situation for exactly what it is and decide that its okay that youre okay. Believe in yourself. Trust in yourself. Know that another opportunity will come along, and your life will be just as good, if not better, because of it. Im not saying that this is easy and yet, once the decision is made, it might surprise you how easy it really is. And, (as with any emotional growth), once you know how to do it it gets easier and easier to do. Eventually, you reach a point where its quite easy to release the past because you have enough faith in yourself and the future, that youre eagerness to move on to the next good thing outweighs your desire/need to hold onto the pain. In other words: you have all the power in the world to create closure for yourself whenever you need it. You have all the power in the world to choose to let go of the worries, fear and pain that were caused by things in the past because youre the only one keeping them alive. As soon as you stop feeding them, they will start to whither and lose their grip on you. No one else is investing your energy into those negative, self-destructive, masochistic emotions only you are. And as soon as you take responsibility for that, you realize that you have the power to make a different choice. And while that may be scary for some of you, some of you might feel this thrill of excitement run through you, as you suddenly realize exactly how powerful you are. The heart is a resilient emotional organ, and we are wonders of creation. We can heal almost anything when we stop inflicting damage upon ourselves, and actively participate in our own healing. Life is an amazing thing, and love is one of the most amazing things about it. Youre the one who makes the choice to hold onto love that turned to pain, or to release the pain and open yourself up to having more love in your life. You cant do them both so choose which one you want to have. You can either be your own jailer, or you can be the one who sets yourself free. The power, the choice, and the closure is yours for the having any time you want, and every time you need it. ------------------------- Opening your heart again. Tags: closed heart, healing a broken heart, intimacy, love, relationship skills, relationships, resolving issues, romance, trust issues There is no pain in this life quite like a broken heart. A heart can be broken by so much more than romantic love – including by betrayal or the death of a loved one – and when the heart gets broken, the person withdraws… from people, from life, and from love. There are times when protecting ourselves is not only natural and normal, it is the SANE thing to do. There can be periods in life where it is necessary to go into survival mode, and cut all ties to anything that isn’t about pure survival. But the problem with coping mechanisms, is that we tend to keep using them when we don’t need to anymore… and THAT is where it all falls apart. Hardship in life can make us stronger, but only when we’ve processed through the lessons gained and adapted in a way that makes us stronger. Otherwise, we keep limping through life – ‘broken’, ‘damaged’, ‘hurt’, ‘bleeding’. We become the walking wounded, sometimes BARELY even managing that – and living more like the walking dead. And the healing required to get back to being YOU, can be a lengthy process from which some never fully recover. So how do you avoid being one of those people who shines a little less as the years pass? How do you open up your heart again, when the scars run deep? How do you even find a way to WANT to? By CHOICE, that’s how. The heart is an amazingly resilient organ, and you are stronger than you think you are. You have more power to surprise yourself than you can ever guess, and it is within that spark of life that the secret is held. We only have ONE word for love, and yet there are so many, many different forms of it. Romantic love is certainly the most complicated version of it – the most ‘difficult’, as it’s the most vulnerable (because it demands that we be loved BACK). So start with all the others, the EASIER ones, and take DELIGHT in them: TASTE. Enjoy some of your favourite foods… No, I mean REALLY enjoy them. Take the time to savour the taste of it… take the time to really experience the full pleasure of it. Relish the simple JOY of it, and fall in love with that simple, amazing experience. SEE. Go for walks in beautiful places, and take the time to ENJOY them – to truly see the beauty that surrounds you. Whether it’s a forest, a mountaintop, a beach, or a city – it doesn’t matter. Hell – do them all, do lots of them! Embrace the beauty of the world around you. HEAR. Listen to joyous, FUN music, and abandon depressing, sad songs, (all you do is brainwash yourself into more sadness). Be careful what you let in right now, as you’re trying to let go of old conditioning – this includes WHO you listen to, incidentally. Celebrate laughter – embrace comedy- it truly is one of the best medicines we have in life. Listen to children playing, babies laughing, waves crashing, leaves rustling, crickets chirping, birds singing – the world is a landscape of celebrating sound… take the time to notice and enjoy it. TOUCH. Fuzzy blankets, a fresh made bed, satin pyjamas, a happy dog, a purring cat. Plant something and feel the soil. Go to the beach and build a sandcastle with your hands. Feel the wind in your skin and the sun on your face. Let your SKIN come alive with all the wonderful, amazing things you interact with all day long. Reconnect with (literally) what is in your hands and at your fingertips. ENJOY a shower. Touch yourself and enjoy your own skin and flesh. You are a wonder of nature. SMELL. Flowers, perfume, trees, the ocean… Fresh washed sheets, a baby’s head, fresh baked bread, fresh brewed coffee, frying bacon… The world is FILLED with amazing scents. Breathe them in – DEEP – and let the pleasure fill you. Be in that moment fully, and let your love for that scent wash through you and fill you with contentment. Simple pleasures can be powerful ones. SHARE. We are pack animals, tribal by design, and withdrawing is normal when we’re hurting. But you need to return to the circle round the fire – rejoin the conversation – JOIN IN again. So call up your friends and laugh with them. Hug them. Kiss them on the cheek. Smack them when they tell bad jokes and touch them when you get excited about something. PLAY. Parts of you will remember themselves, and you will regain parts of you that have gotten buried alive in there. Join new groups, start new hobbies – whatever – but do it with PEOPLE. You need them more than you may realize – or want while you’re depressed – but staying away only keeps you depressed longer. Let beauty into your heart, and feel the walls of your heart press out a little. This will probably make you want to squeeze your heart shut again, as pain will almost surely surface. But, (as is the case with all muscles), the pain will pass. All that’s happening is that old pain is being released. That pain is not ‘here and now’ – it’s old – so don’t hold onto it. Acknowledge it, BREATHE, and let it go. And repeat as often as you need to, until the tears pass. Emotions are fluid, and all that happens when you hold onto them is that they pool… and YOU drown in them. Let those old emotions that you’ve kept bottled up MOVE again, so they can move through you and OUT of you. This is how you’re going to find emotional freedom again, and how you’re going to start feeling NEW emotions – instead of living on emotional ‘repeat’. A closed heart is a calcified muscle, and you need to get it moving again. So cry that old pain out – it’s okay. Yell all the things you want to say, but you don’t, into the crashing waves where no one can hear you. Release it. It’s okay, even if you don’t really mean it but still feel it anyway – that’s NORMAL. Go take up boxing if you really feel the need to HIT something to let out the old anger. Don’t judge the feelings that you have, don’t criticize yourself for having them. Have compassion for yourself, and simple accept them. If you weren’t supposed to feel them, you wouldn’t feel them. There is no “wrong” feeling. So get out of the way, and let the old emotions pass by. You don’t need them anymore, and you don’t have to protect anyone from them. It’s okay to let them out. And once they’re out – YOU will resurface again. Do yoga, tai chi, qigong, dance &/or martial arts – get the rest of your muscles moving freely again too. We hold emotions in our bodies – store them up – and emotions left too long to fester cause all kinds of damage, including cancer. It’s not healthy for us – emotionally, psychologically, physically, socially, spiritually, or any other way either. And you have to let go of the old in order to let IN the new. You have to emerge from the protective cocoon you’ve built for yourself – changed, different, but YOU. Shed the old skin that’s imprisoning you. Break free of those chains you put on yourself – to protect yourself from the world, AND to protect the world from YOU. Pain doesn’t have to leave you hardened – that’s a choice – and you’re going to have to choose who you really want to be. You have to believe in yourself, believe that you’re stronger than the pain – bigger than that – and that you can have AND deserve to have love in your life. Life with a closed heart is a long and lonely road, and you don’t have to walk it that way. Every choice you make takes you down one of two paths: toward the person you want to be OR toward the person you’ll ‘end up’ being. Every time pain wells up inside of you, you are at that crossroad. At first it may be hard – perhaps it will even seem too much, too hard, to choose the path that takes you toward the person you want to be… but you CAN do it. Focus on what you want. Your past does NOT determine your future. Your past is behind you and your future is in front of you, waiting. You are the Captain of Your Own Destiny – wherever you steer your ship is up to you. So which is it? A safe life with a closed heart and very little pain, but not that much pleasure either? Or an uncertain life with no guarantees, filled with opportunity, where you get hurt certainly – but you know real joy, fulfillment and love? The choice is yours – it always has been, and it always will be. ------------------------- Debbie "Tough" Love October 15, 2012 · Your partner's actions aren't a reflection on YOU, no matter how bad they may be. It's what you do AFTER them that defines you. ---------------------- Debbie "Tough" Love December 11, 2012 · Invest in the people who matter and let go of the ones who do not. There are only so many hours in a day - spend them wisely. ------------------- Debbie "Tough" Love July 25, 2012 · You're not responsible for other people's choices OR feelings - only your own. ------------------ Also there is something about - did she dump you for another? Or did she release you so you could have opportunity to find someone that would never do such a thing to you? Is she really so great, or in a way did she do you a great big favor?
| ||
|
One more... Debbie "Tough" Love October 8, 2012 · Blaming others is the cruelest thing you can do to yourself. It steals your power along with the responsibility.
| ||
|
Well, those things I posted, maybe someone else my find something among all those words. Still, even though one may have found their own way to get past such an experience, there still may be something left fro the experience. There is an expression, it's generally supposed to be a more humorous way to look back at something stupid or unthinking you did - that left something like a a bruise. "Ohhh, that's gonna leave a mark..." In like experiences to the one you posted, it is possible for such experiences to leave a mark... To change the way you love, you might trust less, and not quite be as far "All in" with the next relationship. Why do some people seem to have hearts that are hardened? Maybe they were always like that... But sometimes, maybe not...
|
Become a member to create a blog