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| Blogs > wickedeasy > wicked and that ain't so easy |
how long DID it take to build Rome, anyway??
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how long DID it take to build Rome, anyway?? my was moved to a minimum, pre-release facility two weeks ago. the first visit we had was nerve wracking. there are no walls, no wire, no searches, no scanners and a lovely room in which to visit. he was so agitated he could barely sit still and his body was wired and tight. it took him the full two hours to get into a safer place. the structure of the medium is gone and the lock down is gone and this semblance of freedom is freaking him out. we talked about shawshank redemption and how those lifers couldn't adjust to freedom and how when he took a pup for a walk into a field, his back to the facility...he stopped breathing for second. it was like being free and having to go back to not being free. in the medium, there was so much structure. here, he will have to devise his own. i've been lost in a sort of prison myself for a while now as i try to figure out how to accommodate the Man that i love without losing the woman i am. and i keep hearing janis in my head...freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose" and part of me goes yup, totally. and part of me says that isn't freedom, it's desperation. i know that we can all make adjustments and compromises...we do it every day in a million small ways. but i don't want to do it in what feels to me to be a central and core issue for me. when i was reading pan's blog earlier, he talked about a pentecostal new ager...as vehement in her new age beliefs as she could be...and not able or willing to cede to another's needs or even open herself up to the possibility that she was simply blinded by the light... my mama used to say, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? and i get that too. but sometimes being right is important and i wonder if you ever feel really happy if you don't in some way hold to your core. owning my own shit - another of mama's favs, is easy for me. and i think what is making this journey i am on right now so bloody difficult is that i feel like i'm the only one holing a big old pile of shit.....snorks. everyone's got something to face, some place they have trouble going, blind spots, biases. so in the end, if we could just lay all that on the table ...and blow it into the wind....jeez, what a horrible mixed metaphor ...then wouldn't we all be the better for it?. freedom to choose...to choose to hold a grudge, to judge, to not listen , to not allow another's needs to take precedence, to not give yourself credit........ to be happy.... ah well........as mama would say, rome wasn't built in a day. You cannot conceive the many without the one. |
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we... You forgot the next (and more relevant) line: "...nothin' ain't worth nothin'--but it's free..." John 13:12 So after he had washed their feet, and had taken his garments, and was set down again, he said unto them, Know ye what I have done to you? 13 Ye call me Master and Lord: and ye say well; for so I am. 14 If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet. 15 For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you. 16 Verily, verily, I say unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord; neither he that is sent greater than he that sent him. 17 If ye know these things, happy are ye if ye do them. All roads may lead to Rome, we... but not all roads lead to the truth. The truth is, you know you've already chosen the right road. All ya gotta do is get on down it.  Solar...
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10/12/2009 9:26 pm |
I hope everyday it gets just a little easier for your son to adjust...is he closer so you can see him more often? *sigh* I don't have any advice for you, we...my life's a mess right now...don't figure I can help anyone else until I figure out how to help myself. But what I can do is tell you that you are a smart, wonderful woman, and I know that you'll figure out the right path... *tight hugs* ce  "All you'll get from strangers is surface pleasantry or indifference. Only someone who loves you will criticize you." - Judith Crist, crack film critic
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You aren't the only one holding on to a big pile of shit...we all are (just some aren't willing to admit it). I figure that's part of the human condition. The only way I know to deal with it is to "lay it all that out on the table" and somehow, someway, that does allow me to "blow it all away"...it doesn't really make sense to me how it works - I just know it does. Keep hanging on...clarity will return! And if that's not enough to make you feel better, try this one on...it could be way worse, you could be Lady Gaga  Always tell the truth Use kind words Keep your promises Giggle and laugh Be positive Love one another Always be grateful Forgiveness is mandatory Try new things Say please and thank you Say your prayers Smile ~Author unknown
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Like straycat said, you'd think we'd have all this stuff figured out by now, wouldn't you? And, like a friend said to me yesterday about MY current situation, "I'm sure that eventually it will become clear what you want to do". Hoping that you achieve clarity also, my friend.   
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10/13/2009 6:14 am |
You said... "my mama used to say, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? and i get that too. but sometimes being right is important and i wonder if you ever feel really happy if you don't in some way hold to your core." Dammit, sometimes we NEED to be right. I understand this better than you know. Sounds like a conversation over a cuppa coffee (tea? wine?)  I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
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10/13/2009 6:01 pm |
"my son was moved to a minimum, pre-release facility two weeks ago. ... there are no walls, no wire, no searches, no scanners and a lovely room in which to visit ... it was like being free and having to go back to not being free. in the medium, there was so much structure. here, he will have to devise his own." Humans are good at adjusting to their environment. That's why we're overrunning the planet. "i've been lost in a sort of prison myself for a while now as i try to figure out how to accommodate the Man that i love without losing the woman i am." If he can't handle you as you are, yet you don't want to give him up, then a compromise is in order. Not with your "core" but in your connection with him. Maybe back off a bit and let him become better acquainted with who you really are. Maybe try on the change just to see what it feels like. Then reconnoiter, with yourself, he with himself, then together. If you are really talking about yours and his "core beings" and not just your egos, I suggest you take your time before giving that up. "...when i was reading pan's blog earlier, he talked about a pentecostal new ager...as vehement in her new age beliefs as she could be...and not able or willing to cede to another's needs or even open herself up to the possibility that she was simply blinded by the light..." I think she is just scared of giving up her "core." Hmmmmm...my reaction in her case was, "she must not have a strong sense of her "self" if she's afraid of losing it." Because I wasn't making any demands on her other than asking for a little more of her time and for understanding how she saw the relationship because she had her life "dance card" pretty well filled out so that I felt not much more than a link in her chain of events which is OK, but then I would/will adjust the relationship because in the words of Elvis the King, "I ain't falling for no one sided love affair." We're still doing that tango. "my mama used to say, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? and i get that too. but sometimes being right is important and i wonder if you ever feel really happy if you don't in some way hold to your core." If it's really your core and not your ego then I vote for holding on, cuz from my experience, if you don't, you'll just be creating future misery. And the longer it goes, the deeper the misery. "everyone's got something to face, some place they have trouble going, blind spots, biases." Amen sister. "so in the end, if we could just lay all that on the table ...and blow it into the wind....jeez, what a horrible mixed metaphor ...then wouldn't we all be the better for it?." Yes! Yes and YES! and it's an excellent mixed metaphor, just wants a punch line. "freedom to choose...to choose to hold a grudge, to judge, to not listen , to not allow another's needs to take precedence, to not give yourself credit........ to be happy...." Nothing to give up there - but if I were in his shoes I'd need understanding of who you are, so I could appreciate all your dichotomies. Not all at once because that's impossible. But if we were close lovers/partners, then it would be a life long journey - understanding ourselves and each other. Like going to the beach and coming home with a beautiful or weird shell, "Hey, sweety, look what I found!" "Jeez that's ugly!" "Excellently observed, but we must cultivate our garden."
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Glad to hear that your son is coming to the end of his sentence. Hope he takes the opportunity to restart his life and make better choices in the future. "freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose" - I can hear Janis and Kris singin' these words still! I found out that by holding on too tight, you are actually more likely to lose the people and the things which you most fear losing. Relax your grip, worry less about possible loss, enjoy each and every moment and appreciate what you have today. Everything will work out exactly as it is meant to be ... if you will just be patient and appreciative of what you have today. Wishing you all the very best!
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"if you love him, let him go....if he loves you, he'll come back to you" course the other possibility is that he doesn't and i have to hunt him down and kill the mofo WE, if the SOB is too fuckin' dumb to leave you and too stupid to realize he made a mistake, let his ass go! There are other fish in the proverbial sea! 
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Life is one long journey and we will always encounter good and bad along the way. As we grow with experience, we tend to make better judgement calls to maximize the good and lessen the bad. Only you can make the call on whether it is better to be shown to be right, or to let it slide for the sake of peace and easiness. But for me, compromise is something all of us make judgement calls on every day.
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. ...sorry... I just can't seem to get past the image of a dining room table piled high with wind-strewn shit, and my not being able to find the upwind side... . . Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.  And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written! Lately... .
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12/21/2019 6:28 am |
Rome wasn't built by the Roman*z.
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