Merry Christmas!
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Posted:Dec 24, 2010 6:04 am
Last Updated:Dec 27, 2010 7:53 am
11789 Views
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Merry Christmas to everyone. Santa tells me you all made it on to his "naughty" list this year. That's a good thing, right?
While certain people never let me stop thinking about sex, even for a minute  , I'm probably going to at least stop blogging about sex for a few days.
Enjoy your holiday, and I'll be back for your entertainment next week!
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Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!
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Posted:Dec 18, 2010 8:03 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:42 am
12701 Views
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Let it be known that Pedro has totally learned his lesson.
In my most popular post to date (The Single Man39s Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid), I told men never to brag about their alleged sexual prowess. I said "you just sound like a blowhard" and like you "feel a need to compensate for your inadequacies by boasting."
So, of course, this means Pedro is smart enough to follow his own advice, right?
Well, since I recently wrote a blog post entitled Pedro would like to brag about his sexual prowess, clearly I am not smart enough to follow my own advice.
I'd like to remind everyone that I allegedly know what women don't want because there are two women that tell me. I have no wisdom of my own; I merely repeat their complaints, mixed in with fifty dollar words like "uxorial," and pass it off as wit.
So, yes, single guys, I'm a dumbass just like you are. I'm just a well-trained dumbass.
Whether or not you are a superstitious sort, I would advise you to remember and respect the sex gods, because they have a strong dislike for braggarts and hypocrites. They also have a particularly cruel sense of humor.
After posting today's entries, my only plan for the remainder of the afternoon was housework. I honestly had anticipated nothing more glamorous than vacuuming and washing dishes. Yet, mere minutes after I clicked that "Add" button, a beautiful female friend appeared at my front door and, completely unexpectedly, said to me, "I'm horny. Can we have sex?"
Between the accomplishment that prompted my initial round of boastfulness and sex magically appearing from thin air, I figured that I must be the favorite of the sex gods. But the sex gods will sometimes elevate a man just so they can knock him back to earth.
I had this beautiful, naked woman in my bed, and things were going very well. Less than ten minutes in, her eyes were closed, and her breathing had entered that rhythm that indicates that a man is doing something very good, and should certainly not stop doing that thing. I was very pleased with myself.
And that's when the sex gods donkey-punched me.
"Little Pedro" (not his real name) decided that his shift was over, and that he was clocking out early. This came as a complete shock to me. Usually, if the little guy has decided that he's not in this for the long run, he starts letting me know that almost immediately upon being placed into service. This was different. One minute, he was sending me the signal, "All systems go, boss. We can do this all night, if need be." The next thing I know, I hear a tiny, muffled voice yelling "Geronimo!" from inside the condom.
And then I was done. And she wasn't. I swear I heard mocking laughter from the heavens.
I normally go to great lengths to avoid these situations.
So, allow me to throw myself upon the mercy of the sex gods and beg their forgiveness. I promise, no more boasting.
Ummmm … at least not for a while? See, I've already got my next blog post partially written, and it's really nothing but hubris on my part. But it's amusing hubris. That makes a difference, right?
You, see, I could really use the favor of the sex gods. Tomorrow, Annie's beloved New Orleans Saints play Nicoletta's beloved Baltimore Ravens. I was really hoping that this would turn into a jersey-ripping catfight that ended in a sweaty, passionate makeout session. So, I could really use the help of the sex gods to make that happen. We're cool, right, guys?
What if I promise a major cunnilingual sacrifice before the end of the next fortnight? Would that help?
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To All The Blogs We've Loved Before
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Posted:Dec 18, 2010 2:26 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 7:45 am
13616 Views
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Apologies for the title, of course, to Mister Nelson and Señor Iglesias.
Warning! The first several paragraphs of this blog post contain absolutely nothing about sex, or anything vaguely erotic. It's just verbal diarrhea, 'cause Pedro can't keep a fucking thought in his head without sharing it with a bunch of people that don't care. So, just skip on past. There's stuff about boobies below. We promise.
Hello to all of my regular readers, a group which is growing larger than I had ever anticipated. I'm writing this post, but not really because of a demand for a new installment. I mean, Nicoletta did issue a kinda half-hearted order for me to write a new post, but it hasn't been long enough for her to really start demanding one in earnest. After the blog poetry, Annie and Nicoletta did request blog posts in all-limerick and all-haiku, respectively, but they can't reasonably expect that in any kind of timely fashion. Anyone asking for villanelles or sestinas gets a major beating. And not the good kind, ladies.
I'm writing because, of course, I like the sound of my own voice. Not literally; this blog has no audio track (We covered this a few posts back, remember? Try not to forget stuff like that.). I mostly write this to amuse myself; it's nice that some of you like it, too. This is kind of a common trait among bloggers, I'm sure. I recently read Publishers Weekly's rather dismissive review of Mentally Incontinent, by Joe Peacock, which said, "[his] antics fall flat on the page; one gets the feeling that, like many blogger-authors before him, Peacock is his own biggest fan." Well, duh. Of course a blogger is his own biggest fan. You really think I'd make you people read this crap if I didn't think it was the greatest thing since Ulysses? Hell, no. If I didn't think it was worth reading my posts, I would rewrite them until they were worth reading. Which is exactly what I do with most of them. Usually several times — turns out, I'm a teensy bit OCD.
Anyone who writes has one of two opinions of themselves. Most commonly, they think they are the wittiest, most clever, most brilliant voice of their generation. Call this Kanye West syndrome, if you like. On any city block, there are two or three people sitting on unpublished novels that they think would completely revolutionize literature if only they were published. They are wrong, of course. Like milk stored in a warm room, unpublished novels only stink worse as time goes on. Hell, half of these novels aren't even finished let alone published. And unpublished novelists still fantasize themselves to sleep imagining all the glowing things the critics will write about them one day. Hell, some of them probably even masturbate to the fantasy.
Warning! Don't let Pedro draw you in to reading this crap. Stay strong, and keep skipping paragraphs 'til you get to the good stuff about sex. OK, there was one tiny reference there to masturbation. It's a trap; he's trying to trick you into reading. But this is still decidedly unsexy stuff that isn't really of interest to anyone except Pedro. What the fuck does he think he's doing, anyway? Seducing female grad students from the English Lit. Department?
Hell, even I have an unfinished novel. It's about a cockroach, see … wait, you haven't gotten to the good part … he wanders into town … a town of cockroaches, I mean … just gimme a sec here, it really comes together … and he wants to seduce the cockroach princess, so he has to go on a dangerous quest … not interested? Really? Did I mention it also features 15th century knight and poet Sir Thomas Malory? Still not interested? Well, OK … on with the blog, then.
The point here is that most people that write, even the god-awful ones, do so because they are their own biggest fans. The only other kind of writer is the kind who thinks his work is trash. And most of them secretly don't believe it, either. They just like to fantasize about how they'll only be appreciated after their deaths, like Kafka and Emily Dickinson.
I'm not one of the latter types of blogger. I'm pretty damn full of myself. In fact, sometimes I get so full of myself that there's an overflow, and Annie ends up full of me, too (*rimshot* Thanks, folks. My name is Pedro Z. Romero, and I'll be performing here at the Starlight Lounge all week.).
I feel perfectly entitled to toot my own horn, too. I have 12 inches that's always hard, and I know how to use it to please the ladies. That's right, I mean the cast-iron skillet I use to make pancakes. And that, in a very oblique way, brings us to the subject of why this blog post is not your latest installment of snark about single men.
Warning! You think he's finally going to get around to the actual good part of the blog post now? Don't believe his lies. Just keep refusing to read.
The snark tank, you see, is empty. Right now, I am in way too good of a mood to be able to muster up any cutting wit. Don't blame me; blame Annie, my wonderful, beautiful, fantastic, amazing, loving, splendiferously uxorial wife. You see, this past weekend, your humble blogger's wife arranged something special for him; we're going to call it an early Christmas present. It's fairly normal for Annie to just be unable to wait on the really big stuff until the appropriate gift-giving occasion. When we were first dating, she made me suffer through choir-boy chastity for over three months before finally giving in. This, despite flaunting the fact that she was usually a kinda slutty girl. As our first Valentine's Day closed in, she started dropping hints that, if I did it up right, I'd probably finally get some. Then, she unexpectedly put out a week-and-a-half before Valentine's Day. That's Annie for you; unlike the men she likes, she just can't keep from blowing her wad prematurely.
I can't really reveal the details of what Annie did for me to put me in such a good mood. Annie and I pride ourselves on being discrete people. Yep, that's right, we are two entirely separate individuals, not a massive lump of continuous flesh like some sort of bizarre opposite-sex Siamese twins. What's relevant here, though, is that we also endeavor to be discreet people, and not say anything that would compromise the privacy of others.
Seriously, people, "discrete"/"discreet." They mean different things. This isn't that hard.
Warning! Yes, Pedro; I can feel the sarcasm rising within you. Come to the snark side. We can rule the blogosphere as blogger and sardonic alternate voice.
So, without revealing too many details, I'll tell you that there had been something I had wanted very badly for quite a few years. And something else that I had really wanted pretty much since puberty. And Annie made sure I got them both. In one night. She's pretty freaking awesome, and I'm in way too good a mood now to mouth off about minor missteps by single men. Hell, a single man could probably punch me in the face right now and I wouldn't mind.
There's no such thing as a free lunch, except when someone gives you lunch without requiring anything in exchange or holding any expectations involving you. Aside from that, though, people generally have to make some kind of sacrifice to get what they want. And Pedro is no exception. I held pretty extensive negotiations with the wife, and here's what I had to give up:
Annie gets to have sex with an attractive co-worker who's been flirting with her.
Annie gets to have four daytime trysts with men of her choosing (Apply directly to our inbox or guestbook. Annie generally picks guys that are exceptionally hung, cut, young, or otherwise gifted for this sort of thing.).
And, of course, I also offered a few concessions prior to negotiations to butter her up. Namely:
Oral sex performed on her a minimum of once per week through the end of 2011.
And, since it's never a bad idea to get a girl's best friend on your side when you want something, I buttered up Nicoletta as well, so that she'd put in a good word for me. In exchange for helping persuade Annie, she was promised:
Back rubs on demand, up to daily, in perpetuity.
Me cleaning her car for her. There's apparently been a bit of a spill in her car recently, and I can expect a good bit of backbreaking labor to get it out.
I may have accidentally volunteered to keep her car clean for her in perpetuity. Fortunately, Nicoletta has a terrible memory, and it's not like I'm going to say anything to remind her. Oh, fuck.
And, of course, when I got what I wanted, I was to provide:
Pancakes. Blueberry pancakes for Annie, and gluten-free chocolate chip pancakes for Nicoletta. Which is why I used the skillet. Remember the skillet? It was my initial segue into this bit.
Looking back over the list of seven things, some quite substantial, that I was required to give up in order for Annie to give me what I wanted, I can only reach one conclusion. It was totally worth it. In fact, it was a steal at that price.
Warning! Dammit, Pedro, it's obviously something about sex. Just freaking tell the people. If you aren't going to make fun of single men, at least titillate someone. This blog post has been entirely useless so far.
So, I'm in way too good a mood to make fun of even the most incompetent single guys. Sorry. Maybe next time. In the meantime, though, I'm going to give you something to read. I'm just not going to write it.
I've been meaning to give some shout outs to some other really good blogs here on TSdates.com. I figured that a post in which I'm not providing you your usual entertainment is a pretty good time to do that. You can go read these other fine blogs while cursing me under your breath for disappointing you. More realistically, you'll find a blog out there that's much better than mine, and go read it instead.
All of my links are posted without permission, because I didn't think far enough in advance to ask these people for permission before posting links. But, who the hell writes a publicly accessible blog and then complains that people are reading it? Still, if you are a blogger I link to, and you'd rather have the link removed, just let me know and I'll be happy to provide you the courtesy of being made fun of in a public forum.
The first blog I'd like to mention is [blog MauiJaneDoe] by MauiJaneDoe. Earlier this week, she gave us an extremely flattering shout-out, and now it looks like I'm just sheepishly trying to return the favor. Of course, this post was already half-done when she wrote her reference to us, but it took this long for me to finish and post it. Like I said, I'm kinda OCD, so I spend a lot of time rewriting and revising these things to get them just right before putting them online.
I was actually considering trying to make my obsessive perfectionism a selling point to women. I asked Annie, "Do you think it would be a good idea to write a bit in the blog about how I eat pussy the same way I write blog posts?"
Annie thought for a minute and said, "I'm not sure that's a good idea. What do you mean by that?"
"Perfectionism, attention to detail … that sort of thing."
"Oh. My first thought about your technique for blog post writing is that your first eight attempts at any post are unsatisfactory."
"Y'know," I said, "I think I'm just going to leave that bit out."
Warning! Pedro is once again trying to force dialogue into a blog post where it doesn't belong. The boy's good at one narrative device, and too lazy to learn any other writing techniques. He's like the creepy guy at the orgy: trying to jam that thing in anywhere he thinks it may fit, often without warning anyone. I think his mother used to lock him in a closet all day, and the only books in there were Plato's Dialogues and the Talmud. Remember, a policy of appeasement is just going to encourage him, so stay strong and refuse to read any sentence that begins with quotation marks.
Anyway, I do highly recommend Cheeseburger, Cheeseburger. It's smart and intuitive and talks about subjects that I don't go near. MauiJaneDoe really lets the reader inside her head. And, even though the blog is about her, it makes the reader think a lot about people in general and what they want. I particularly want to direct you to this post, not necessarily because it's her best, but because it relates back to the subject matter I write about here. She talks about how men without partners usually just don't get enough human contact. It made me think way back to my single days, and it was actually sort of a horrifying memory. I immediately went and found Annie and hugged her. Since then, I think she may have noticed I've been extra-cuddly, but maybe hasn't figured out why. The prospect of going without that physical contact is really terrifying.
So, single guys — remember that post I made about the stench of desperation? Turns out, women can tell it's there by the way you touch and react to touch, because lonely guys really need to be touched by any other human. This is another reason, probably, that it's easier to be a married man on this site than a single one. If you want to make a better impression, get more human contact so that you come across as less desperate. Play with your more, if you have any. Get a massage. Or maybe all you single guys could have movie night, and cuddle with each other under a blanket while you watch romantic comedies. That could work. It's a funny thought for the rest of us, at least.
Also, MauiJaneDoe can drop a reference to being "Argus-eyed" like it's nothing, and I have a soft spot in my heart for people who make mythology references. That brings me to my next blogger, ArtemisJ, who writes a blog called Keeping It Real. I was really excited to find another mythology nerd writing a blog here. But that's all I'm going to say about her in this post. I've already started writing my next post (Of course. Since it takes me about eight revisions to finish one, I have to write ahead.), and it's mythology-themed, so I'll save the main shout-out for then.
Warning! Pedro's written several paragraphs in a row without even attempting a joke. Does he think his readers are here for his deep insights? Just skip the paragraphs above. Of course, you've probably already read them, huh? Maybe we should've put these warnings before the thing we're warning you about, instead of after.
The next blog to which I'd like you to direct your attention is the excellently named [blog Babylonian_] by the almost-as-excellently-named Babylonian_. She's witty, she's insightful, she points out things her readers need to know but haven't thought of. Most importantly, though, she reposts terrifyingly bad emails and chats from single men on this site. Reading these is like watching a train full of clowns derail. It's horrifying and sickening, of course, but I can't stop laughing.
I am really, really, really tempted to make myself a fake single male profile, pretend to be in London, and send Babylonian_ the most god-awful come-on emails I can write, just so she might repost them. I told Nicoletta this when we were reading Babylonian_'s very first post, [post 2403307].
Nic said, "You should tell her that. 'You write funny shit,' is probably the nicest thing you can say to a blogger on this site."
I thought about it for a minute, and replied, "Personally, I'd prefer to be told, 'Please fuck me, Pedro.' But maybe I'm the weird one."
She narrowed her eyes at me and gave me the patented Nicoletta glare of death. Again.
You'll notice that I'm mostly mentioning female bloggers. Well, there's a reason for that. Blogland is the only nation on earth entirely dominated by its female population. I believe we have discovered the mythical realm of the Amazons written about by Herodotus. In fact, as I've mentioned before, that's why I'm here. I blog for the same reason I took a dance class in college. I was never actually interested in learning ballet, but it was nice to be only male in a room with a dozen pretty girls.
If you read enough blogs, you'll also notice that the Amazons have a pretty tight-knit community of bloggers that interlink to each other, issue blog challenges, and engage in various other sororal activities. Even though a few of this Amazon sisterhood read my blog, I mostly try and keep my head down and avoid notice, because I remember what the Amazons did to men they caught intruding in their realm. I was given a shout-out in spikheel's blog, [blog spikheel], so I figured I ought to say thanks.
There are a few other male refugees here in blog land. We mostly spend our time hiding from the dominant females, like timid mammals in educational films about the dinosaurs. You may want to consider Surreptitiously Salacious by SurreptitiousGuy. I found it entertaining enough, but felt I had to mention it when he revealed that he can correctly use the word mirepoix and has a drawer in his kitchen reserved just for beans. Hell, I'd fuck the guy.
Warning! Pedro would not actually fuck another man under any circumstances. He just uses irony liberally and hasn't quite gotten the message that tone of voice and inflection do not translate well to the internet. You're lucky I'm here to save your ass, Pedro. Without me, you might have ended up in an uncomfortable spot. Oh, and to SurreptitiousGuy: hope you aren't disappointed. If you're ever in North Florida, Annie would probably put out. She's kind of a slut for guys who can cook legumes.
Speaking of the male blogger minority, the ladies also enjoy reading rm_Okcman22's blog, though it does need a better name.
One blog I follow I hardly feel the need to mention, because it's got almost 3000 freaking followers. So, if you're reading this, you've probably heard of [blog womenlooking4fun] by womenlooking4fun. 3000 followers? Shit. I guess it's not like they have to maintain their herd by personally responding to every blog comment they receive … oh, wait, they do that. Way to make a man feel inadequate, ladies.
I'm not going to spend a lot of time talking about LesbianXXXploits, because I'll probably mention them more extensively in a blog post later. You see, there's this thing they do on their blog that I really like. No, not posting naughty pictures, though that's nice, too. They generate a lot of reader interaction. They ask questions, usually in small clusters, and get answers. And I think that's awesome. I'd like to do it myself, but that's another blog post.
And, of course, I'm saving the best for last. You are reading Nicoletta's blog [blog chc0981], right? You should be. She really likes to generate discussions with probing questions, and she's gotten pretty good at it. She makes you think, and invites you to share your opinion.
Also, she updates way more than I do. A man should never compare his sexual technique to Nic's blog-writing technique. She decides to write something, then, five minutes later, she's done. Guys, this works for her when blogging. It does not work for you in bed. Please, do Pedro a favor, and don't make me listen to her complain about one more three-pump-chump. Thanks!
Warning! If you disappoint Nicoletta in bed, or make an ass of yourself while emailing or chatting with her, she will mock you mercilessly and savagely to Annie and Pedro. Nicoletta is extremely dangerous, and should only be handled by trained personnel. Always wear proper safety equipment when handling Nicoletta. Never approach Nicoletta with anything but your A game.
That's the whole post. Sorry about the decided lack of snark. I'm also sure that I missed some blogs that are great and deserved mention. I fully expected to be verbally abused in the comments by spurned bloggers in much the same fashion that Nic verbally abuses the guys on this site that don't meet her expectations. With the good mood I've got going, it's not going to bother me even a little.
Warning! Pedro just kept up this lame "alternate voice" device for the entire blog post, even though it stopped being funny about the second time he used it. Seriously, folks, as the alternate voice, I was embarrassed to be a part of this, and would like to apologize to you for his lack of originality. I'd also like to apologize for there not being anything about boobies, even though I promised there would be.
Epilogue
"Hmmmm," said Annie, "I'm not sure about the part that you made up about me making fun of you comparing your oral sex and blogging techniques."
"Why not?" I asked.
"It doesn't sound like me. That's more like something Nicoletta would say. Why didn't you credit her?"
"Because I'm not used to making up conversations with her. She says so many snarky things that I usually just repeat them verbatim and pretend I've written something."
"Well, it just seems to me that you're putting words in my mouth."
"If there's something else you'd prefer I put in your mouth instead, dear …"
She glared at me. "On second thought, just leave it the way it is."
I guess she was already irked that I called her uxorial. She hates that word.
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Pedro would like to brag about his sexual prowess
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Posted:Dec 18, 2010 2:14 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:28 am
12584 Views
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I know that it wasn't too many posts ago that I advised men not to try and impress women with boasts about their alleged sexual skills. Such bragging comes across as hollow and meaningless at best and overcompensation for inadequacies at worst.
But I'm very proud of myself right now, and I thought I'd just tell you all how great I am.
Thank you. We will now return you to your regularly-scheduled blog, already in progress.
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The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid, Part 3
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Posted:Dec 10, 2010 6:45 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:27 am
13344 Views
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DISCLAIMER: Danger! This post may contain blog poetry.
You know the stuff; there are blogs full of it here. People get to thinking that they can command sensuality, eroticism, and romance, as if they have the skills of Leonard Cohen. Usually, the resulting dreck is as about as sensual, erotic, and romantic as Sacha Baron-Cohen. Except Borat, at least, was in on his own joke. With blog poetry, the joke is on the reader. Anyway, I promise this stuff will be short, sweet, and in the vein of "Man from Nantucket." Scout's honor.
I wrote two posts on the subject of advice to single men; most of my readers were female. I high-fived myself, and wrote a post about how the ladies would soon blog about insight into what turns them on in a man. Again, an overwhelming contingent of female readers.
Here's where I drew an incorrect conclusion. I thought to myself, "If I can attract female readers by blogging about subjects that appeal to men, think how many female readers I can attract by blogging about subjects that appeal to women." So, I post one tiny poll about sexual fantasies, and in comes a flood of single men. Hi guys, welcome to the blog. Glad you're here. Well … Annie's glad you're here, at least. Take off some clothes and stay a while. And, yes, that means take off your damn socks, too; I shouldn't have to tell you that.
And, guys, if you haven't read through some of my recent posts, let me say again that, next month, Annie will fuck one of you, of my choice. I haven't revealed a lot of details, but you should still go read this post (If you have a short attention span, skip straight to the bottom.), and become a watcher of my blog.
Incidentally, that poll about sexual fantasies is still up. So, please go answer it. Thanks.
Actually, I'm guessing the flood of single men comes from Nicoletta's referral that any guys looking to fuck a hot babe (i.e., Annie) should come over here. Annie and I want to clarify, though, that as glad as she is to see single men, we are even more glad to be contacted by a woman or couple.
Being a simple-minded fellow, what I'm concluding from this experience is that, if I write for single men, women come to read my blog. If I write for a wider audience, my blog becomes such a sausage factory that Oscar Mayer starts trying to buy me out. With that, I'm returning to my bread-and-butter, and presenting to you the third installment of
The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid
To those of you just joining us, I recommend you go back and read the first two parts of this series.
The Single Man39s Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid
The Single Man39s Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid, Part 2
If you didn't read those posts, let me give you a 14 oz. can of the sweetened, condensed version. I keep company with two beautiful women who are constantly being solicited on TSdates.com by single men. Most of the passes made at them are so bad they are hilarious. I'm giving you guys a peek at my behind-the-scenes life so that you can learn from the mistakes other guys have made.
We need to talk about your ability to talk to women. Based on the emails and chats I've seen, a lot of you have zero conversational ability. I'm surprised that you can order dinner in restaurants with female servers. Do you try to order a ribeye, medium-rare, with a baked potato, and end up getting a slap across the face from the waitress? If so, here are a few tips.
First, have something to say. It can be hard to get the attention of a woman on this site, yet when some of you get it, you don't even use it. Just because you spat some random collection of ill-spelled words into an email does not mean you said something. If no information was conveyed, you should'nt've wasted your time.
In my last installment, I alluded briefly to the worst offender of this type of all time. Let me tell you the whole story. One evening, I was sitting with Nicoletta, and we were both browsing TSdates.com when a message appeared in her inbox. The subject line was simply, "Hey." Nicoletta opened the message, revealing the shocking contents:
The entire body of the message also consisted only of the word. "Hey."
Nicoletta was pissed. "What the fuck? 'Hey. Hey.' That's it?"
"He figures all you need is an invitation to throw yourself on his penis, dear." I said.
"Like that's ever going to happen."
"Just ignore him. He'll go away."
"Hell, no!" She was pissed at this guy. "He's annoyed me enough that I want to fuck with him."
"But not fuck him?"
"Not a chance. Maybe I'll tell him I want to poop on him."
"Meh," I said. "You've done that."
"Any better ideas?"
I thought for a minute. "If all he said was 'Hey,' why don't you write him this:
"Hay is for horses,
And for other livestock.
My ass belongs to Pedro.
Your hand will do for your cock."
She gave me the sort of look that can only come from an evil genius realizing that someone else is even more evil and even more of a genius. Then, she immediately started typing the response.
But she didn't finish. Nic's a smart girl; too smart for my own good. She looked up at me with her eyes narrowed in the way they get when she catches me doing something I shouldn't be doing. "Wait a minute. You're trying to get me to acknowledge in writing some claim you've staked to my ass, aren't you?"
"Ummmm … well … you see … can you really blame a guy?"
She shot me a dirty look, the exact opposite of the look I had gotten when I came up with the poem. "I'm just going to send 'Hey' right back to him. Give him a taste of his own medicine, and see how he likes it."
"He's annoyed you, so you plan on punishing him by giving him the attention he sought from a beautiful woman? Brilliant plan. All you need is a Boris to your Natasha."
She did it anyway. Within minutes, another message came in from the guy. I knew this immediately because she emits this sound like a half-scream, half-frustrated-groan when she gets a particularly stupid email. I think of it as a kind of verbal facepalm.
"What was his response, dear?" I asked without looking up from my own computer.
"'How about we meet for dinner or a drink.' Really? God, what a douche!"
"He's not a douche, dear. A douche, by definition, has a very good chance of getting into your pussy."
"He seriously thinks I'm going to run out and meet him for drinks because I said 'Hey?'"
"No, he thinks you're going to fuck him because you said, 'Hey.' Should've gone with the poetry."
Before we continue with this story, let's discuss what this guy did wrong. Why did he bother contacting a woman if he had nothing to say?
When you talk to a woman, you are doing it because you want something. For most of you, it's sex. Some of the more pathetic gentlemen here are merely satisfied with getting the lady's attention. Others want something more elaborate, like someone to give them an oatmeal enema, or a string of abusive language, or to know the name of the color of lipstick she's wearing in her profile picture. But whatever you want, you aren't going to get it without saying something — even if all you want is her attention. Sending an email that says nothing but "Hi," no matter how many words you stretch it to with meaningless BS, is no more of an attention-getter than nodding at a woman you pass on the sidewalk. Think back to all of the women you've nodded at as you passed them on the sidewalk. How many of them have immediately stripped naked and pounced lustfully on you?
Some of you manage to say something and still convey no information at all. "would u be interested in meeting for some erotic fun" is the entire text of an email Annie received recently. Well, sir, as our profile indicates, we enjoy that activity very much. And you've conveyed to us nothing more than that you would like to do so, as well; information that is easily accessible in your profile. So, you told us nothing more by email than you would have by flirting, assuming your email was a sexual overture and not an invitation to come over to your house and watch Dangerous Liaisons.
Before I give you some pointers on what you should say to women, let's finish our story about Mr. Hey, and demonstrate what you should never say.
Nic was at a loss for a response to our incompetent emailer. She was pretty frustrated and angry, too much so to simply ignore him, much less talk to him. But she did have an idea for how to turn the situation into something constructive. She decided to email him links to parts 1 and 2 of "The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid." Don't tell her, but I think this is way more flattering than her writing that her ass belongs to me. So, she pecked away at her computer for a few minutes, and then she looked up at me with that look she gets when she wants me to do something for her. Her eyes got all big, and her voice got soft and sweet, and she said "Pedro, can you show me how to link to a blog post in an email?"
To digress for one moment: I don't believe for a second that she needed my help. She's easily smart enough to figure that out on her own. But the ladies haven't yet figured out that they'd be much happier just getting rid of me and living as a lesbian couple. And, since I actually have no useful functions, they try to stroke my ego sometimes and make me feel useful by pretending they need me for something. I was happy to "help" her. But sending him the links did not at all lead to the outcome she desired.
The email she got back from Mr. Hey was downright hostile. He told her that he wanted girls that wanted to have fun, not girls like her. He told her that he wasn't going to jump through any hoops just so he could fuck her. And he told her that he wished he had never emailed her.
The single worst impression you can make on a woman is that you are hostile toward women. I touched on this in my last post, when I told you guys to never say anything bad (or anything at all) about your ex. Yet, between Mr. Hey and a recent blog commenter dubbed "Mr. Bitter" by the ladies, we've learned that there are a lot of guys on here that spout hostility toward the very women they presumably are hoping to fuck. So, let me say this as plainly as possible: women don't like misogynistic guys, bitter guys, or guys with chips on their shoulders. Mind your manners, watch your tone, and be a gentleman. If you do, you may get a chance to do ungentlemanly things. If you don't, the best experience you will have on TSdates.com will be jerking off while you look at the pretty pictures; the closest you'll get to sex with a woman will be if you paint your nails first.
The worst part about Mr. Hey's attitude was that he had the chance to turn his failure to his favor. Nicoletta sent him links to blog posts about guys making mistakes when hitting on women. He should've realized that his initial approach had failed and, instead of resenting Nic for it, manned up, apologized, and changed his tactics. Mr. Hey didn't even follow the links: his username appears nowhere on my list of blog visitors.
The women on this site are surprisingly forgiving creatures. You can make a pretty good impression on one just by apologizing for fucking up, because an awareness of your mistakes and a willingness to accept responsibility for them puts you head and shoulders above most of the guys on this site. If Mr. Hey had tried this, he would've had a very good chance to get laid — better than the average guy who contacts Nicoletta. But he got pissed and bitter, and threw away his opportunity.
If you don't believe me, let me tell you something that happened this week. Annie was approached by a man in whom she had some interest, but who had just written an insulting comment on Nicoletta's blog. Since Nicoletta is her best friend, this distressed her a little (Nicoletta actually didn't care, since she had already determined she was never going to fuck the guy.). I didn't like what this said about the guy's character, and put him on the do-not-fuck list. But the guy manned up, and publicly made a very graceful apology to Nic. Annie was impressed enough that she's now working her calendar to find a date she can fuck him. A positive attitude can change a failure into a success.
So, what should you say to a woman? Well, you want to show your interest in her, and generate an interest in you.
How do you show an interest? The first step is to read her profile.
The second step is to read her profile.
Now, some of you may be thinking to yourselves that I said that twice. Some of you may be thinking that I used this exact same joke in my last post to single men. To the latter group, I say "Quiet, you. I'm working here." To the rest of you, there's a reason I said that twice: most of you are ignoring it. In fact, just in case anyone missed it, here it his again:
Read Her Profile!
When I say, "Read her profile," I don't mean "look at the pictures." I don't mean "skim her profile looking for things you like." I don't mean "look at the pictures." I know, I'm repeating myself, but I'm hoping to train some of you through repetition. Here we go one more time: read her profile. The whole thing. All of it. Including her blog, if she has one — blogs are great sources of information about their bloggers. And female bloggers generally expect you to have read their blog. You do have my blessing to skip any blog poetry; you're welcome for that favor.
Suppose you're a standard member, and can't see her profile? Remember in installment #1 of this series, when I told you that you needed to have either a vagina or a paid membership? What part of that did you not understand? Open your pants and look inside … do you see a pussy? No? Then what are doing with a standard membership? There may still be hope for you: check her blog, and see if she's posted a copy of her profile there for the benefit of standard members. Otherwise, find a way to read it or stop wasting everyone's time. What are your options, really? You could send her an email saying, honestly, "I can't read your profile, but you look interesting and I'd like to learn more about you." On the surface, that looks good. But answer me this, Einstein: why do you think she looks interesting when you know nothing about her? You'd better be able to answer that question, because, if she doesn't just completely ignore you, she's going to expect the answer. Maybe you know something about her from her blog, or just from a comment she's written on a blog or in a group? If not, expect to have yet another date with Miss Rosy Palm in your future.
Let's examine what kind of impression you make if you don't read her profile. Annie and I recently got an email that said, in part, "By the way my name is [redacted to protect the stupid] what is yours?" Well, sir, let's have a gander at our profile, shall we? Turns out, the very first sentence is, "We are Annie & Pedro." Also, we copied our profile into a blog post for standard members, and our names are in the blog header. We did everything but emboss our names onto a gold plaque and send it to your home via certified mail. If you don't know them, you must be either particularly unintelligent, or simply not care enough about us to bother doing more than skim our page. And, if you have that little regard for Annie, what makes you think she cares enough about you to fuck you?
So, you've read her profile. Now, determine if this woman would be at all interested in you. If you aren't what she wants, just walk away. You aren't going to change her mind. Plus, if you're writing to women that don't want you, that means you're desperate; you aren't going to successfully get laid until you get that taken care of.
Right now, a lot of guys just read the above paragraph, and are thinking "He doesn't mean me. The ladies love me; even the ones who don't know it yet." To them, I say: Yes, I mean you. I very specifically mean you. And no one loves you except your mother and yourself; get over it. Don't contact women who specifically say they are looking for something that you are not.
As I write this, I know that the message still isn't getting through to you. Let me phrase it another way, so it will make more of an impact. Instead of talking about single men ignoring women's desires to not be hit on, I'm going to talk about single, straight men being hit on by gay and bisexual men. Now, guys, imagine yourself as the pursued party here. Uncomfortable? Of course you are. Is there even the slightest chance in hell that this man's persistent contacts are going to change your sexual orientation and make you suddenly crave a big cock in your ass? I don't think you need me to answer that question.
Once, a bi man took a fancy to your humble blogger. I have a few pictures of myself on our profile; it gives the women something to ignore; most of them would rather look at the pictures of Annie, just like the guys do. But I put them there anyway, on the off-chance I ever get to be the feature presentation. This man went through every picture of me and left a flattering comment. I never again want another man to tell me I have a nice cock. If another man ever again says anything positive about my penis, he had better be my urologist. I've got nothing but love for gay and bisexual men. I mean that strictly: there is only love, no lust at all. None. Zero. Zilch. So, why did he bother? I think of him like the construction workers that make catcalls at women walking by. Do they really think a wolf-whistle is going to convince some random woman in the street to climb up there and ravish a dirty construction worker? It is a tactic with zero chance of success; the best case scenario is the target feeling less uncomfortable that would reasonably be expected.
Actually, Annie tells me that, when she was a , she had to walk daily by a construction site, and was routinely wolf-whistled and catcalled at. I think it gave her a little thrill that persists to this day. But most women aren't like Annie, and even Annie didn't actually fuck any of them. Though I sometimes tease her that, one day, I'm going to put her in a sexy outfit and walk by a construction site with strict orders to give the first guy that whistles at her the best day on the job of his whole life.
So, now that all this talk of gay men has made my straight, single male readership uncomfortable, let's draw this analogy to its logical conclusion. She means you.
If she says no married men, and you're married, don't contact her.
If she says she only wants men younger or older than you, don't contact her.
If she says she only wants men of a different race than yours, don't contact her.
If she says she's only looking for monster giganto-cocks, and yours is only average, don't contact her.
If she only wants NSA one-night-stands, and you want a fuck-buddy or girlfriend, don't contact her. The {converse} also applies.
Another digression: A single male reader asked me to write about gay and bi men hitting on straight men. Of course, I don't actually give a toss about single men or what they want. But he was smart — he asked Nicoletta to ask me to do it. Nic's got this thing she does with her facial expression; she can take it from zero to totally seductive in less than two seconds, and she can get me to do just about anything she wants that way. So, to my requestor: that's almost my entire experience on the subject. Hope you enjoyed it!
So, you've read the woman's profile, and you've determined that you are eligible to contact her. Lucky you. You need to say something substantive, but what? Well, you need to make sure that you tailor your message just to her, based on the information you've gleaned from her profile. Mention things that she mentioned; let her know you're interested in her, and not just in her sexy profile picture. The first thing you want to do leave a positive impression of yourself.
Starting with humor is not a bad opener, if you can pull it off right. I hope you know if you can or not, but experience tells me that a man who can't make a woman crack a smile will always think that he's the reincarnation of Oscar Wilde. So, be careful with this tactic! Ideally, have someone vet your humor for you, and make sure it doesn't fall flat. Of course, if you had someone to do that for you, I guess you wouldn't be a single male, would you? So, in lieu of that, observe these few tips:
Be original. Don't repeat jokes you heard elsewhere.
Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself, but don't be self-depreciating. If you don't like you, neither will anyone else. Never tell a joke about your small penis. Never.
Wit is spontaneous. It has to flow from the moment. If your message is joke/full stop/rest of message, don't bother with the joke. Much better to try and get a quick chuckle from a clever turn of phrase or original profile picture than to tell a full-on joke with a setup and a punch line.
Don't be offensive. Seriously. No one wants to hear some clever observation about how Estonians are too stingy to ever pick up the check in a restaurant. Ethnic jokes (or political humor, or especially sexist jokes) make you look like a moron.
I'm going to give you two examples of humor in an initial contact, and how one worked, and one fell flat. Then, class is dismissed for the day.
Remember Mr. "erotic fun?" The guy with the email that conveyed no new information? The worst part of his fail was that he initially made a good impression with humor; he had a funny username. It was a dick joke; but, remember, guys, when you solicit a couple, you are likely talking to the husband. I am a 37-year-old man with the libido of an 18-year-old and the sense of humor of a 5-year-old boy. Dick jokes go a long way with me. When the email came in, the first thing I said — before even reading it — was, "Dear, you may have to go fuck this guy."
Nicoletta and Annie were both sitting in the room, and said simultaneously, "Me?"
I asked Nicoletta, "If I could make you have sex with men on command, don't you think you'd be over here right now having sex with me?"
She rolled her eyes at me, and told Annie, "I think he means you." Annie obediently read the guy's email and profile, and decided that she probably wouldn't fuck him.
That was the story about the humor that worked. That story might have been a bit counterproductive, since the humor worked, but the sexual solicitation did not. There are two things you should learn from this. One, Pedro can't make a clear point. Two, humor is an opener, but not a closer. It can get her attention, but it won't make her fuck you.
Let me tell you about the humor that failed. The male member of a couple wrote us, and tried to impress us with his sense of humor. His line? "I just discovered this website called 'People of Wal-Mart.' Go check it out. It's hilarious. I guess that shows you we've got a sense of humor, huh?" Yes, he actually pointed out that he was showing off his sense of humor. That was actually kind of a good thing, since his sense of humor was so insignificant to be unobservable if he hadn't pointed me to it.
Do you know what our reaction was? That's right, I said to myself, "Buddy, you're lucky your wife is really hot." 'Cause she was, and her husband's lame joke wasn't going to stop Annie and I from hitting that. So, we grimaced, and wrote them back to set up a date.
What I did there … where they guy from the unsuccessful humor story got laid, and the guy from the successful humor story didn't? that's called "unintentional irony." It indicates that your storyteller is incapable of telling a coherent story. If you've been reading this blog, that shouldn't really come as a surprise to you. But, there's something you can learn from this story, too. Because of your easy availability, you single men are held to a much higher standard than we married men are. If you have no ability to tell a joke, women are going to hold it against you.
If, on the other hand, a man married to a hot babe can't tell a joke, they let him write his own blog.
That's all for this time. Next time, we'll cover what you ought to say to a woman after your cleverness and originality has gotten her attention. Until then: we've had three lessons; by now, I expect you all to be junior Casanovas. So, don't disappoint me: get out there and have sex. And watch this space for the next time Nicoletta gets bored and demands I write a blog post for her amusement.
See, my blog poetry wasn't so bad.
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Whatever Annie wants...
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Posted:Dec 9, 2010 6:38 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:26 am
12961 Views
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"So, Annie and Nicoletta, your assignment is simple. Each of you must write a blog post about the things that attract you or pique your interest in a profile or in an email. This must include both things that are under the man's control (e.g., his behavior) and things that are not (e.g., his physical gifts). I want you to give the readers an insight into what turns you on about men. You have until the end of Wednesday, December 8th to get your blog posts done. Now, I can't force you to write the posts. But I will be administering spankings if they aren't done by the deadline. And you two know I'm serious. ?* "
Hi, guys! Better late than never, right? You should be warned that I am genetically predisposed to be late always, so if this is your pet peeve, feel free rule me out as a prospective playmate. However, feel free to continue reading to get some insight into the female mind. Not that I claim to be typical in any way.
So, Pedro has asked me to share a little of what goes on in my head when a guy makes contact. Of course, Pedro has editorialized on this for me on many occasions, but I guess I am putting it together in one nice neat package for you.
Lets start with a little honesty. This is primarily for me a superficial pursuit. I do not need to interview for a soul mate, I already have that. There is a very good likelihood that you and I will meet for a one-time hookup and then both move on. Which is not to say that a guy can't win me over intellectually, even for a one night stand. But if that is what you have going for you, you better show me (more on that later). This is also not to say that I don't occasionally meet up with someone more than once, but let's get through you impressing me enough to meet me the first time, shall we?
The point being, that as much as I like to be generous with my attentions, I still need to be turned on. And given the volume of men there are to entertain on this site, I can't get to all of you. Now, of course, that can be turned around — I might not turn everyone on, and I can accept that. But, our profile and blog, I believe, gives plenty of insight into my general image and personality. So if you are looking for a girl that is in great physical shape — I carry it well, but I ain't that. But we are not here to talk about me today …
Sure fire superficial ways to catch my attention: If you are particularly handsome, have great visible muscle tone, or are impressively well-hung, those pictures will get my attention. Note: if you are well hung, make sure that there is an appropriate size reference so I understand the scale — the guy who compared himself to a can of spray starch, for example, or the one who shows two female fists wrapped around his penis with room on top. Or if you can wrap the thing around your waist …
So what if that is not you? What if you look in the mirror and say, "I'm satisfied with what I see. I'm no Matthew McConaughey or Denzel Washington or Long Dong Silver, but I'm not a either." Then show me what you like about you!
I want to see pictures. Like Nicoletta, I understand if you want to remain anonymous at first, but let me see something. I have never yet made cold contact with a guy who did not have a photo on his site. I was explaining to a gentleman the other day, I would like to see something that gives me an idea of your face or facial structure, body and build, personal style, or endowment. Please pick at least 2 of the 4. And please, ensure they are current. And that they truly reflect your appearance. If you do not have them on your profile, please attach them in your e-mail contact. If neither, don't expect an answer back.
"Personal style?" you ask. What is that? One of the most bewitching pics I've seen on TSdates.com is of a gentleman wearing a tuxedo, sans jacket. A browse through his profile reveals multiple pics of him dressed up in suits or formal wear, obviously taken at different times and in different settings. If only he were closer … Another guy got his foot in the door by presenting a picture of himself in a suit, though after meeting him, I doubt he got gussied up that often. On the other hand, the biker dude also attracted my interest, and there was no doubt of his personality in his pics (Shout out darling — I'm still thinking of you.). Of course, I may have also been seduced by the pic of his rather impressive wang. If you are a tattoo guy, make me love it! A hat man? Show me your collection. Prefer not to bathe … well, we wouldn't have gotten along anyway.
Unlike Nic, I find penis pictures genuinely useful in early contact, though usually not as a profile pic, unless you can meet one of the descriptions above. I like different cocks for different activities, and seeing your equipment lets me know, no offense, how best to use you. However, as Pedro has earlier pointed out, a bunch of disembodied penises with no other identification makes me feel like a med tech in an STD clinic — not sexy.
Regardless of your physical attributes, the best way to get to me is to charm my panties off. Even if you do have incredible physical presentation, there is no such thing as a man with too many things going in his favor. However, the opposite can be a problem — you can have all the attributes in the world, but if you come off as a vain, self-centered ass, I will, and have, thrown such fish back in the water.
So, how to accomplish such a feat?
First, complete sentences please, with no abbreviations. I can barely bring myself to abbreviate words in a space-limited text, much less in a format like e-mail where I have almost unlimited space. Because I don't use abbreviations much, I don't understand them without careful study. This makes me feel stupid, trying to translate your message. You don't want me to feel stupid, do you? I'll give you a hint … I certainly don't want to feel stupid — that does not curl my toes.
Second, write more than one sentence. Nothing to talk about? Read my profile and respond. We've made it real easy for you, our profile contains a message to single men that has questions we would like answered up-front. Even Standard members now have access to this, as Pedro has helpfully re-posted the message on our blog. No, I am not going to tell you what the questions are! Show me I am worth a little effort and look it up yourself! Bonus points if you comment genuinely on something in our profile or blog that I wasn't expecting.
Third, if you want me to suck your brains out, don't just tell me you have them available, say something that indicates that. I have known a lot of men with college diplomas that must have majored in underwater basket weaving. On the other hand, if you can spit out phrases like "well thought out" or "intelligent dialogue" without misspellings or sounding like a pretentious jerk-off, you, my friend, are on your way.
Also, let me know what you like or are willing to do for me. Do you offer complimentary massage or blueberry pancakes with each servicing? Make sure I know! Lots of guys out there say they love to eat pussy. Not original, but still much preferable to those that do not. I figure if I am willing to put my mouth down there on you, I should be able to expect the same in return. Really like garter belts or corsets? Like a girl who walks in looking like a slut, or more prefer conservative on the outside and racy underneath?
A quick note on other turn-offs. Trying to get my attention by making a comment on a blog entry that is not a comment about said entry is a sure way to piss me off. Again, Pedro has come to the rescue of those that can't e-mail us outright and has provided you with convenient guestbook/comment pages within the blog. If you can't figure out how to use them, I'm not going to bother. Also, "discreet" in regards to your co-workers knowing about your personal life is one thing, but DO NOT TRY TO USE ME TO CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE. I don't do anything behind my husband's back, and if you have a significant other, I expect that they know what is going on too, whether or not they choose to participate.
So, in conclusion gentlemen … I'm slutty. You don't even have to buy me dinner. But if you think I'm easy and you don't have to put forth any effort, then be prepared for a very long wait.
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Annie is late
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Posted:Dec 8, 2010 8:04 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:25 am
12027 Views
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Those of you watching this space were no doubt expecting a post by Annie tonight. You see, in this post I told Annie and Nicoletta to write posts giving insights into what turns them on about men. These posts were to be completed by the end of today, under threat of spanking.
Well, Nicoletta managed to get [post 2492771] done on time. But Annie has just given up and gone to bed with her post unfinished.
Now, I feel I owe Annie a little mercy. She has been mothering a sick all week, even though she is sick herself. So, I promised her I wouldn't spank her if she turned in early and got some sleep, post or no post.
But … I didn't say she wouldn't get spanked at all. I just said I wouldn't do it. So, I'm looking for volunteers.
If you're local, leave me a comment letting me know why you should be the one to deliver Annie's spanking.
If you're not local, come up with some other creative punishment that you can administer long distance (Nicoletta or I can help, if need be.).
I'll pick the best answer, and whoever I choose can then give Annie what she deserves.
I hope Annie's post will be up soon. My next post should be if hers is not.
And, to Annie: Love ya, babe. Get rested and get well. Remember your health and well-being is more important than a blog. 
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Nicoletta tells the boys what she wants
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Posted:Dec 6, 2010 7:36 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:24 am
12188 Views
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Hello, all,
As some of you may know, in my last post, I told Annie and Nicoletta that they were required to write blog posts giving men insight into what turns them on about a profile or email. These posts were to be completed by this coming Wednesday under threat of spanking.
At first, Nicoletta pouted that I was trying to ruin her birthday. But I explained to her that her pout was so sexy it seemed like she was just begging for a spanking. And, since it was her birthday, I already owed her one. But if she really wanted me to, I could find the strength to give her two spankings, and she could skip the blog post.
That got her to plant her pretty little butt in front of a computer (and out of my reach), and she wrote the required [post 2492771]. I highly advise guys to go read it, so you can learn more about what gets women going.
Sadly, this means I don't get to give her that spanking. 
But, at least I still get to spank her because it's her birthday. 
Now, if you'll excuse me, the naughty little minx has hidden my riding crop, and I have to go find it.
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To link to this blog (rm_highbrowkink) use [blog rm_highbrowkink] in your messages.
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