It's a Lifestyle?
This blog consists of our occasional observations about things that happen to us as we use this website to pursue our sexual proclivities.

His name is Pedro. His writing appears in black.
Her name is Annie. Her writing appears in pink.

Our blog also frequently mentions Nicoletta, Annie's best friend and our personal sex genie. She has her own profile, and her own [blog chc0981] as well.

We've posted our whole profile into our blog, so that you standard members can read it.
— Single men should also read our post on Rules for Single Men before contacting us.
— Females and couples that want to know more about us are welcome to read our special message just for them.

Want to send us a private message? If you can't send email, or would rather not, you may leave a comment on our private guestbook. We will read comments there, but they will be kept completely private.
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
Hear From a Woman What Women Want!
Posted:Dec 3, 2010 8:32 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:23 am

Astute readers may have observed that my last couple of blog posts have been a little … cutting toward the single men on this site. And I don't mean to be mean. Really, I have nothing against single guys. I need you. There is simply no way I or any other one man can fuck Annie as many times as week as she wants it. My dick would fall off if I tried. And I would miss my dick if it fell off; we go way back. We do everything together. In many ways, you could say my dick is my best friend.

So, I'm going to do something sincerely nice for the single guys. I promise. Just keep reading. I'm going to spend a little more time making fun of you first, if that's OK.

There are several reasons why the most recent posts were mostly jokes at the expense of you single guys. Firstly, it's simply a lot easier to get a humorous reaction by highlighting the worst in people than highlighting the best. Also, a lot of you guys really are kind of dumbasses (See how easy that was for me to set up? That's what I was talking about.). Some of you really seem to need the most basic level of help; being told to stop annoying the crap out of the women on this site. I don't know if my blog will help the bottom-feeders on this site get laid. But if it keeps Nicoletta from getting another email that just reads "Hey," or, worse, "I wrote you because you remind me of the ex-girlfriend I broke up with 6 months ago," it's worth it.

The most important reason I can get snarky with the guys, though, is that I don't care what they think. To help you understand what I mean, let me explain why I started writing this blog to begin with. I asked myself what attracts women to certain men and not others.

If you ask any woman what she looks for in a man, you are likely to hear three things: intelligence; a sense of humor; and a playful, spontaneous personality. This is why Steven Hawking, Buddy Hackett, and Pee-Wee Herman are the three biggest players of our time.

So, I wanted to attract the attention of more women, but I'll admit that I'm as clueless as any of you about what women really want. I know what they don't want, and that's my only advantage over the single men here. Well, that, and having the only set of keys to the chastity belt worn by one of the hottest girls on; I'll admit that may get me a tiny advantage. But it isn't as much of one as you would think; lots of people are willing to jump through a lot of hoops to get into Annie's pants, but most of them are guys. And, nothing against guys, but they don't really have anything of interest to me.

And, in the absence of any real knowledge about what women want, I decided to work with what I knew: what women say they want: intelligence, humor, and spontaneity. I know, this was a plan doomed to fail from the beginning, but a man can only work with the resources he is given.

I know I'm not spontaneous. When you see a new blog post here, it's because Nicoletta harangued me until I would've done literally anything to shut her up (Love ya, babe! ). It once took me a month to buy a new frying pan. I have to have a flowchart on hand to make pancakes.

But, what I lack in spontaneity, I can convincingly fake in intelligence and humor.

Now, I'm not claiming to be an intelligent man. But, to quote the Wizard of Oz, "Why, anybody can have a brain. That's a very mediocre commodity. Every pusillanimous creature that crawls on the Earth or slinks through slimy seas has a brain. Back where I come from, we have universities, seats of great learning, where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts and with no more brains than you have. But they have one thing you haven't got: a diploma." And I did somehow trick a reasonably prestigious university into admitting me in lieu of the intelligent, hard-working, and ambitious students to whom they normally cater (Hi again, Nicoletta!). And I managed to keep my head down for four years, so that no one noticed I didn't belong there. And, at the end, they gave me a piece of paper with some Latin on it and some letters that can be put after my name. No, I don't mean "S.O.B." While personally I think my degree was B.S. (See what I did there?), I can spout academic-sounding nonsense with the best of them.

And as far as being funny — I must be funny. Annie and Nicoletta are always laughing at me.

Between my pseudo-intellectualism and my ability to make women laugh, I can convincingly simulate wit. Now, true wit is the perfect combination of intelligence, humor, and spontaneity. Fortunately, true wit is almost never encountered in blog form, so no one is able to distinguish it from my snarkiness.

So, yes, I've been writing a blog ostensibly aimed at single men, but I don't write it for single men. I aim my writing at women. Why in hell would I actually write for men? And, it's worked. I've acquired a sizable readership which is largely female.

But, as I said, I do need you guys. So, I'm going to do you two favors. Be sure to stay read this whole post and look out for the second favor; it's the big one.

First, instead of telling you what women hate about what you are doing, the next blog post is going to tell you what women like about you. Only, I'm not going to do it. As we've covered, I'm no expert ("Women like bloggers who can name-drop the Frankfurt Stock Exchange!"). When the ladies dislike something, they complain loudly about it, and I hear. Then, I intersperse what they say with some strange joke about hermaphrodites or William Howard Taft, and post it to the blog. When the ladies like something, they're a lot more subtle; so, I learn nothing.

So, instead of me telling you, Annie and Nicoletta are going to tell you, in blog posts they write (Annie's here, and Nic's over at [blog chc0981]). And, yes, this is the first time the ladies have actually heard they are going to be doing this. I like to keep them on their toes.

So, Annie and Nicoletta, your assignment is simple. Each of you must write a blog post about the things that attract you or pique your interest in a profile or in an email. This must include both things that are under the man's control (e.g., his behavior) and things that are not (e.g., his physical gifts). I want you to give the readers an insight into what turns you on about men. You have until the end of Wednesday, December 8th to get your blog posts done. Now, I can't force you to write the posts. But I will be administering spankings if they aren't done by the deadline. And you two know I'm serious. ?*

Oh, and just this once, could you two please humor me and pretend that the threat of a spanking is a deterrent instead of the exact opposite of a deterrent? Thanks. I appreciate that.

Female readers, you can get into the action, too, and I would appreciate it. Post what features attract you to a man on the site in the comments here, or in the comments on Annie's or Nicoletta's posts. We look forward to reading them. And, remember, the more insight you give single guys into what you like, they less annoying they will be to you later.

* * * * * * * * *

Now, my second and more generous favor to the single men. I'm going to give you what you want. You're here to get laid. And one of you will. I can guarantee that; you see, I have this wife who's kinda slutty and gets off on being submissive to me. So, I can pretty much pick one of you and tell her to have sex with him. And I will do just that.

Nicoletta, you are welcome to play this game, too. Just let me know. (Don't get excited, guys. She won't do it. I'm just teasing her.)

Now, this won't happen until next month. With the holidays upon us, we're just too busy until then. So, watch this space. And I do mean watch it. Go up to the top of this page and become a watcher. I'm not going to tell you yet how I pick the person Annie will fuck, but I'm going to give a little advantage to people who are watching my blog. Also, you don't want to miss your chance because you missed a post, do you?

To my regular readers, your next dose of what passes for witty insights (Suckers!) will be coming up soon.
2 Comments , 1 Pending
Go and read this thoughtful post about race and sex.
Posted:Dec 2, 2010 9:28 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:23 am

Hello, all,

This is not your normal post. Watch this space tomorrow, though, for a special post from me.

Nicoletta wrote a really thought-provoking [post 2489348]. She wants to know why race is even an issue when hooking up here. There's a lot of people here who seem to be seeking out interracial sex specifically, and others who seem to really want to avoid it.

Our position is clear. Annie likes to fuck guys; she doesn't care if they are black or white, and neither do I. I've never been with a black woman, but I would have no problem with a woman just because she is black, and neither would Annie. (Volunteers should apply directly to our inbox. )

So, mosey on over to Nic's blog, and read [post 2489348]. She'd really like to get a discussion going on this, so she's welcoming and encouraging comments. And I'd love to see your responses as well, so I figured I'd send a little traffic her way.

And, remember, I'll have a post up tomorrow. It won't be the next post in the current ongoing "series," but that won't be long in coming, either.
The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid, Part 2
Posted:Nov 29, 2010 8:01 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:22 am

Wow. I have been really overwhelmed by the response to the last blog post. Clearly, a lot of people really identified with the subject matter. And it was certainly gratifying to see requests for another entry flood in from this blog's numerous regular readers. OK, maybe "numerous" is too strong a word. This blog's several regular readers? This blog's fan base of a few, extremely devoted, regular readers? No?

It was certainly gratifying to see the response from both of this blog's regular readers. One of whom is only here because he's hoping to fuck Annie.

Well, I am here to please (female readers, take note). So, if people want another blog post, I'll give them one. As such, I present to you the second part of

The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid

For those of you who didn't read the last entry, I have a behind-the-scenes view of two different women as you try and fail to hit on them. Because I'm such a nice guy, I'm going to share with you what I have learned about what it is that you are doing wrong.

Last time, I told you how to get a woman's attention and make a good impression with your profile. But, remember, no one ever bought a CD just because they liked the cover art.

Actually, now that I think of it, I've bought a CD just because I liked the cover art, so maybe that wasn't the best metaphor. But you can't rely on the women you are trying to seduce having the same level of poor judgment that I do, unless you have a fetish for women with severe head injuries. My point is, just having a snazzy profile isn't going to get you laid; you're going to have to seal the deal. At some point, you're going to have to talk to a woman.

You have a great deal of interest in the wonderful things women can do with their mouths and hands. But, for most of you, that doesn't mean talking or typing, does it? Face it; even the most confident man is in way, way over his head trying to converse with a woman he doesn't know and is hoping to seduce. Even Hugh Hefner, the original playboy, still probably gets a twinge in his guts when faced with the task. At his age, though, the twinge is probably from his colostomy bag backing up. Hopefully, no one reading this will have that problem (if you do, maybe you ought to be over at Senior Sizzle instead of at

The key word in the above paragraph is "confident" (not "colostomy," fortunately). The single thing that will drive a woman away faster than anything else is desperation. Women can smell desperation like a can smell bacon. And the great paradox of approaching a woman is that, if you want her to want you, she won't want you. Go ahead, read that again. I understand; it's a hell of a sentence.

Got it? Good. Let's elaborate. I'm going to spend this whole blog post explaining how to rid yourself of that horrible stench of desperation that clings to you like cologne you bought from a vending machine in a truck stop bathroom.

Acting like you want the company of a woman is a guaranteed way to never enjoy the company of a woman. That's right, the way to attract women is to not want to attract women. Remember last time, when I said's a bitch? Yep. A total bitch.

Now, this revelation has probably prompted misogynistic cursing amongst some of you. Simmer down. Let's examine this phenomenon, and we'll see it makes perfect sense for women to behave this way. You clearly don't have a woman, right? That's why you are a single male. If you don't have a woman, and you want a woman, then there must be a reason you've failed to get one. Which means that there must be something wrong with you. If you want a woman so badly, but can't get one, you must have some humongous flaw that has driven all of the other women away. And why the hell would a woman want a flawed man? She's not going to further investigate to confirm that you really are flawed or find out what is wrong with you. As we covered last time, single men are not exactly a rare commodity; you aren't worth the effort. She'll just move on to the next man.

You see? Women are logical and rational creatures, no matter what sitcoms want you to believe.

So, whatever you do, sound confident, not desperate! Most men who come across as desperate just need to edit themselves more closely, because they don't realize how much they are whining. But, believe it or not, there are some men who seem to believe that acting desperate will somehow get them more pussy; I suppose they are hoping for pity fucks. The ladies have actually shown me messages from these men. Never say "it's been months since I've had the touch of a woman." In fact, never allude to how long it's been since you last slept with a woman. Not even if she's showering while you type the message (you dog, you). Certainly don't bitch to a woman about how hard it is to hook up on, and how you're going to give up if she doesn't sleep with you. Yes, that actually does happen. Does the guy who tried this really think that a woman is going to throw herself on his penis in a valiant act of self-sacrifice, martyring her naughty bits to keep him from having a bad experience on a sex personals site? 'Cause she isn't. If you threaten to quit the site out of frustration, she's just going to tell you not to let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Actually, she won't say that, because there's no actual door to leave the website; I'm just over-extending a metaphor. Also, she would probably rather the door does hit you. If there was a door. Which there isn't.

The point is, women are not going to try and rescue you from your loneliness. They do not join this site for the opportunity to be your mother. Not unless they're into some weird incest roleplaying fetish, that is; but I'd rather not contemplate that. If you try to play on a woman's sympathy of your pathetic loneliness to get laid, your actual mother would probably say you don't deserve any pussy. She'd be ashamed of you.

OK, so you've learned not to talk about being lonely or frustrated. But there are other ways you are telegraphing desperation. Two important points are coming up in the blog, so get out a a pen and paper so you can write them down. I don't want you to miss them. This is important stuff. I'll wait here.

Tell me you didn't actually go and get a pen and paper … No, don't; I don't want to know. Just learn to recognize a joke, OK?

The first important point is: never mention your ex.

The second important point is: never mention your ex.

On the surface, it may seem that these points are very similar. But I feel that the underlying message bears repetition, because, based on what the ladies tell me, a lot of you have missed it.

Seriously, the woman you are hitting on does not want to hear about your ex. Not at all. Not even a little bit. Mentioning your ex just reminds the woman you are talking to that you are single. And, as we've learned, women don't actually want single men, because single men are probably horribly flawed.

Saying nice things about your ex reinforces the point that it was she that left you, and therefore that you are flawed. Saying nasty things about your ex is even worse. Your ex presumably has at least one thing in common with the woman you are talking to (gender), and likely many more. If you have just contacted a woman, and start describing an unpleasant confrontation with your ex, with whom do you think the woman will identify? With you, or with another woman, probably of about her own age? Guess what, Mac? When you bitch about your ex, you don't make her look bad, you make yourself look bad.

And never, ever say, "You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend." That's possibly the worst line in the history of ever. It makes a play for sympathy, mentions an ex, and ratchets the creepy up several notches.

So, if you don't complain of loneliness, and don't mention your ex, how can the women still tell that you are desperate? You know they can, 'cause you're having no luck. Based on what the ladies tell me, the number one thing that makes you look bad is hanging around when you shouldn't. If you can't take a hint, they figure you're just ignoring the hints because you're so desperate to talk to a woman. If you can't tell that the conversation has gone flat, it must be that you refuse to acknowledge failure because you don't want to go back to your lonely life.

As Nicoletta pointed out, "If you have been chatting with me for 15 minutes, and all I've typed for the past 10 minutes is 'lol,' that means you are not going to sleep with me." When this happens to you, what is going on behind the scenes is that she is ignoring you so that she can flirt with me on Facebook chat. Note: I didn't say arrange a rendezvous with me; just idly flirt without intent. Because she thinks that would be more interesting than fucking you. I want you to think of this the next time a conversation with a woman goes flat and you don't want to just give up. Think, "This woman is indicating that she would rather actively not have sex with Pedro than have sex with me. I shouldn't have to put up with this affront to my dignity." That oughta give you the kick in the pants you need to just walk away. You're welcome.

Repeated, increasingly desperate emails are even worse. More than once, Annie has gotten an email from a guy whom she found acceptable, but not outstanding. This means that this guy was highly likely to eventually get fucked, if he had just been patient. But, instead, he kept emailing.

"Hi. Just wondering when you wanted to get together."

"Hi. Are you two free this weekend?"

"Hi. It's me again. Any plans?"

"Hi. Did you forget me?"

"Hi. It's OK, I understand, I get busy, too. Just give me a call whenever."

"Hi. Wondering if you ever wanted to get together."

"Hi. I'm sitting in the dark, naked, thinking of you. Call me."

"Hi. Please touch me. Just once. Please."

"Hi. It's me. I just want to smell your hair. Pleeeeease." This guy has just emailed himself out of a hookup.

So, what I'm saying is, the secret to talking to women is to walk away from conversations with women. Yes, really. Don't forget,'s a bitch. But, lest you are tempted to ignore my advice, let me warn you of the very real perils of overstaying your welcome in a conversation.

You see, women are often very non-confrontational. This is a natural defense mechanism when dealing with men. Unlike women, who behave, as we have shown, in a very rational manner, we men are fragile, emotional beings, prone to unpredictable and passionate outbursts. Yeah, it turns out that sitcoms know nothing about human nature (fun fact: everybody actually hated Raymond). A woman who politely tells a man that she is simply not interested and that he ought to go away is risking him … escalating the conversation; often rather aggressively and/or obscenely. Women don't want to listen to a profanity-laced tirades about how they are worthless whores just to earn the privilege of not having to talk to you. Often, they would rather make you think it is your idea to go away.

The other night, Nicoletta was cruising for men, when I heard her say, "This guy can't take a hint. He won't go away. There's no way I'm going to fuck him …

"I'm going to tell him I want to poop on him. Maybe that'll get rid of him."

Yes, you read that right. She asked the guy if she could come over and poop on him.

Last time I advised you to just walk away from a woman if you couldn't accommodate her desires, because you can't change her mind about what she wants. Let me clarify that; this does not mean you should bend over backwards to accommodate a woman's unpalatable requests. The woman probably only has borderline respect for you to begin with — remember, we've demonstrated that just being a single man indicates that you are probably flawed in some way. If you agree to something you clearly are not into, she's just going to lose what little respect she has for you.

I know what you're thinking. "Pedro, you can't possibly mean that this guy agreed to let her poop on him, right? Right?"

What he said was, "I guess we could try it, if you want to. But only if we stay in the bathtub."

Way to draw a line there, buddy. You've firmly protected your masculinity. At least the parts of it that are carpeted and upholstered.

Women can be cruel. Nicoletta can be exceptionally cruel. Trust me on that; she's cruel to me, and she likes me. This guy had just thrown away what little respect she had for him. Plus, she was bored. This was a very bad combination for him. Before long, she was saying, "Don't worry about Pedro. He'll just be videotaping. He doesn't like to get too close; he doesn't want to risk staining his clothes. He won't even touch you, except to administer the enema. Of course, there'll be an enema. You don't expect me to stick my whole foot up there without one, do you? I'd ruin my favorite stilettos." She tormented the poor bastard for over half an hour. And he agreed to everything, if she agreed to fuck him. Which she had no intention of doing. Which, from the beginning, she never had any intention of doing. I think he finally gave up after she explained that her was well-trained, and might not even try to mount him.

So, just walk away. It's for your own good. Trust me.

One more mistake that will make you look desperate, and then we'll be done for today's post. There is no way to subtly shoehorn sex in where it isn't appropriate. Now, you would think that, since this is a sex website, it wouldn't be hard to smoothly steer a conversation around to sex. After all, the women are here for sex, right? But there are guys who still manage to fuck this up. Making yourself look over-eager for sex on a freaking sex website may make you look a wee bit desperate — in the same way that President Taft was a little bit plump, Ron Jeremy is a touch too hirsute, and Henry VIII may have been just the teensiest bit impatient with his wives.

This can happen in a lot of different places on the site, but I'm going to focus on blogland, because this is where I see it. Some of the smarter guys here have figured out that blogs are where a lot of women spend their time on this site, and that a good way to communicate with women is to remark on something they said in a blog post or comment. Kudos, guys; engaging a a woman by talking about something she said is a tactic with a very high percentage of success. Women, like everyone, are proud of their opinions, and eager to talk about subjects that interest them. And, when you are dealing with women who are specifically here to look for sex? Hell, if you can pull this approach off correctly, you've got her knickers halfway to the floor already.

So, why are so many guys doing it wrong? For examples, all you have to to is go back through my blog and look at the comments. You'll notice that a lot of the comments by single men have, at best, only a tangential relationship to the subject of the blog post. But these comments do include something on the order of "if you two are ever interested …" I'm going to focus on a specific example, though, which isn't from my blog.

Nicoletta, who is frequently frustrated by the men on this site, wrote a blog post about the things the men here do that "drive her up a wall." The tone of her post was decidedly … let's say sardonic. Some guy wrote a comment on the post that consisted of this sentence and only this sentence:

"love to chat with you sometime"

Really? She's bitching about how the guys on this site can't do shit right, essentially challenging you to bring your A-Game, and you come with that weak shit? Did you even read the post? I suspect you just saw a post written by a female, scrolled straight to the bottom, and tried to hit on her. The point of using a woman's blog as a way into her panties is to demonstrate that you care enough about her opinion to actually read it and discuss it thoughtfully. What you've demonstrated is that you can write a script to automatically insert pick-up lines in to the comments sections of women's blogs. At least capitalize and punctuate; it'll give you some dignity as you go down in flames.

Listen guys, you're doing it wrong. I suppose you think that you stand out from the other single males by approaching Annie via a less-taken route. But she just rolls her eyes at the losers who are so desperate to hook up that they'll write a blog comment even though they have nothing to say. Do you know why those comments are still here? Because I, not Annie, approve or delete comments on my posts. Annie would rather they not get approved in the first place. And, on the posts she writes, a lot of the most egregious offenders don't get approved.

Annie is kind of an … easy girl. For years, she thought the definition of "seduction" was buying her call-brand mixed drinks instead of well-brand. In a case like that, you should just be forthright, and write her a message indicating that you'd like to fuck her. Most of these messages fail (there are an awful lot of you, after all), but at least they don't earn her immediate contempt. Writing a blog comment that contains no information other than your desire to fuck her makes you look like a circling the dining table, hoping a scrap will fall.

While I'm on the subject of blog post comments, I'm going to digress for a moment from the subject of desperation to the subject of avoiding unintentional irony. I'm going to do this by calling out one of my own readers. I've got plenty, right? So I can afford to maybe piss one off? Not so much? Oh, well, the guy wants to fuck Annie, and, while he made an amusing mistake, he didn't actually completely fuck up his chances to do so (Annie tells me his chances remain considerably better than average.). So, I'm guessing he'll stick around.

In my last post, I advised that men be sure to highlight their good points when selling themselves. So, he did so in his comment. Nice start; it showed he read the post. But, I also advised that men always use proper spelling, punctuation, and grammar. So, describing himself as "atheltic" (sic) … let me just say that making women laugh is usually a good way to make a positive impression. But that's not the way to go about it. It's an innocent mistake, I'm sure, but one that's going to leave egg on your face if you repeat it. So pay attention to what you say, and make sure that, if you come across as amusingly ironic, it was intentional.

Alright, guys, that's all I have room for today. Next time, I'll finish up with the finer points of talking to women and how to keep them coming back for more. Until then, get out there and practice what you've learned. And good luck.

Before I go, just remember, the most important lesson for today is, when talking to women, you must be confident. And you must do so while remembering that economics dictates that you are a near-worthless commodity that can be easily discarded and replaced. And that the mere fact that you are single is a signal to women that you are inherently flawed. And that you must resolve several impossible paradoxes in order to succeed at hooking up.

But, hey, be confident. Right?

I really can't believe you're still listening to me.
1 comment
Nicoletta is writing a blog
Posted:Nov 26, 2010 5:21 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:21 am

Hi, all,

This isn't your regular blog post, though that will be up in the next day or two.

This is to inform you that the lovely and talented Nicoletta is talented in ways henceforth unknown to me.

No, I don't mean she can tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue. Though she may be able to. She seems like the type.

No, I don't mean that she can remove button-fly jeans using only her teeth. If I find out she can, you'll be the first to know.

No, I don't mean that she just told me she'd like to demonstrate to me some Kama Sutra-esque sex trick that can drive men to heights of orgasm previously unimaginable. If that had just happened, do you think I'd be hanging around blogging to you people? Because I would not be.

What I mean is that she has decided to try her hand at writing. She is writing [blog chc0981]. It's called, "[blog chc0981]."

You can find it right [blog chc0981], if you somehow missed the first two links I posted to it. Go read it.

Her first post is about the same thing I just posted about: what single men need to do and stop doing to get women. Except, instead of listening to me relate the things I've learned from her, you can hear them directly from her. So … she's essentially put me out of a blogging job. Great. Thanks, babe.
The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid
Posted:Nov 20, 2010 3:34 pm
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:21 am

This is a message to all the single guys out there. I am in a unique position, in that I can observe the reactions of not one, but two ladies as you solicit them for sex. More importantly, I can observe their reactions as you hilariously fail to solicit them for sex.

So, I'm going to help you out. Here are some tips I have learned from watching Annie and Nicoletta be totally unimpressed by your clumsy overtures. I call it:

The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid

This is a sex site. Women are on here to have sex. OK, maybe there are some women on here that are just toying with you for their own amusement. But there are real, live, super-hot babes who are actually here to actually fuck you. There are two of them sitting in the room with me right now, as I write this. Say hi, ladies.

They said hi. You'll have to take my word on that, since this isn't an audio blog (blaug?).

My point is that they are actually looking for sex, which means that they are pretty easy, compared to women out in the real world that want relationships and dates and security before they give up the cookies. So, how hard could this be, right? Well, it's still pretty hard, because there are a lot of you competing for available spots, but you've got at least one thing going in your favor. The girls here are, by real world standards, pretty darn slutty. Right, ladies?

They confirmed that they were pretty slutty. Again, you'll have to take my word on that, since this is, unsurprisingly, still not an audio blog. You weren't surprised that you couldn't hear them, right? Because that wouldn't speak highly of your intelligence.

And you are intelligent, right? So you've got to understand that there are a lot of you. A whole hell of a lot of you. Teeming throngs of single men. Annie is pretty open to fucking a lot of guys, but there is simply no possible way she could fuck every single man that solicited her. Even if she took you guys three at a time, she'd have to have a gangbang a day. And that's too much even for her prodigious appetite.

So, simple economics dictates that, when the supply of a commodity greatly outstrips demand, that commodity is (say it with me) not very valuable. The not-so-valuable commodity in this case is you. And you need to understand this. You are not in a position to make demands. No matter what your good points are, there are ten other guys lined up behind you that have the same good points, and you can be replaced in less than a minute. Here are some of the things you should not be saying:

  • "I'm not sure I want to pay for the hotel room."
  • "Can we do it without a condom?"
  • "I don't know if I'm cool with another guy being in the room."
  • "Will you pee in a cup for me?"
  • "Can I come in your nose?"
  • "I can only get it up if I watch you masturbate anally with sex toys while you wear nipple clamps."
  • "I'm not sure I'm ready to lose my virginity."

    Some of these sound mundane, some sound weird. Obviously, that last one is the weirdest of all — what the hell is a virgin who wants to stay a virgin doing on a casual sex site? But either Annie or Nicoletta has heard some variation of everything on that list. Really. I bet you thought I made up some of those, didn't you? But the ladies will confirm that these are all real demands that have been made of them. Right, ladies?

    The ladies confirmed it. I trust that, by now, you are not surprised that you have to take my word for it.

    Instead of making demands, you need to find out what the woman wants, and do that. If what she wants , you can't give her (say, for example, she wants to anally fist you, and then vomit on you), just walk away. There are other women on the site. Don't waste your time trying to change what she wants. You aren't going to succeed. She's just going to find another guy who will do what she wants.

    I'd like to point out that this applies to you even if you have some trait that makes you stand out from other guys. Do you work out all the time, so that you are completely covered in rock-hard, toned muscles? Good for you! That's a strong point in your favor, and you should definitely play it up, probably in your profile photos. Does it make you a less-rare commodity? Not a chance. There are a hundred other guys with the same physique hitting on the same girls. Annie gets offered so many washboard abs she could start a laundry service. Do you have a truly humongous penis? That's even better, as far as she is concerned. But, let's just say that if she does start a laundry service, she'll also have plenty of places to hang towels while they dry.

    One more lesson in economics, and then we'll move on from the harsh realities that probably have some of you crying into your keyboards. You are not in charge. You are not in charge if you are dealing with a single woman, no matter how much she may like submissive sex. You may be in charge briefly during the act of sex, but she is in charge of everything up to and following that point. She will be deciding when, where, and (most importantly) if you are having sex. If the woman has a husband, you are really not in charge. He is. Clearly, he's happy to share, or he wouldn't be on But, remember that he is the one sharing his toy, and be polite and respectful. Piss him off, and he will take his toy and go play with it by himself at home.

    Let me illustrate this with a cautionary tale about a single man who thought he was setting himself up for a ménage à trois (Here's some foreshadowing: he was setting himself up for something, but it wasn't a ménage à trois.). He had washboard abs, and the vigor of a man in his early 20s, so he must've figured that he would have no problem getting laid. He clearly hadn't read this guide, or he would've realized that these advantages are no guarantee of a hookup; to be fair to him, I obviously hadn't written this guide at the time, and we can hardly hold his inability to time-travel against him. Annie graciously offered to have sex with him, but he fucked up by balking at paying for the hotel room. This all but sealed his fate, since she simply became annoyed at him for wasting her time, and immediately scheduled a hookup with a more reasonable man for the same afternoon. But then, our tragic hero reviewed profiles enough to realize that Annie and Nicoletta are close friends, and both bi, and, as we have established, kinda slutty. I know, you can almost hear the hamster running on the wheel inside his skull as he realizes the possibilities that are tantalizingly close to him. So, having blown it with Annie, he's smart enough to approach Nicoletta about how much fun it would be for the three of them to get together sometime. Of course, the subject of Annie's husband (your humble blogger) comes up, and he begrudgingly allows that this guy can come, too. How likely was his plan to succeed, boys? You all know, because you are smart. He is not smart; his plan only succeeded if his true objective was to be mocked in front of a national audience.

    He did have, at some level, a chance to hook up with two hot girls at the same time. But he blew it. And, now, I'm going to explain to you guys what he should have done. First, he should have realized how lucky he was to be getting a chance to hook up with Annie, instead of balking at paying for the hotel room. Then, he should have impressed the hell out of her in bed, so that she wanted to do him a second time. After this point, he knows Annie and Nicoletta are friends, and must therefore talk, so Annie would be doing the work of selling him for him. He'd probably have had a much better chance with Nicoletta, because she'd have heard the rave reviews. Admittedly, he'd still probably not have hooked up with Nicoletta. That's just cold, hard economics. But he'd have a better chance than most guys. If he could've impressed her, he could've then approached Annie's husband with the idea that he'd be happy to host a foursome, which both guys would certainly enjoy. Again, his chances of success would've still been low, because of the loftiness of his goal. But think how valuable his goal his. How many of you guys are able to use this site to parlay your penis into group sex with multiple girls? Very few of you (those of you that can are excused from reading the rest of this blog post). And the biggest consequence for failure? Sex with one girl only (remember, he had already been offered that). That's a hell of a consolation prize. What did he get trying to do things the way he did? Oh, right, mockery. We've covered that.

    Now let's leave the economics lesson behind. Instead of telling you what you are highly unlikely to succeed at, I'm going to tell you what you can do to improve your chances. Even had this guy done everything right, he would've still needed three critical skills to achieve his goal: selling himself, talking to women, and impressing in the bedroom.

    Selling yourself is arguably the most important of these. If the girl looks at your profile and initial contact and has no interest, she's not even going to let you talk to her to try and convince her you're worth the effort. The first step in selling yourself is not your penis. I cannot emphasize this enough, because so many of you seem to think that it is, and that your penis is a sort of magic wand that you can wave around and make horny women appear. Penises do not work this way.

    Every day, every lovely lady on this site gets dozens of pictures of penises sent to her by email. She gets winked at by men who only have pictures of their penises on their profiles. She gets chat requests from guys who appear to be nothing but giant disembodied penises floating in the electronic ether of the internet. Annie and Nicoletta will both confirm that the experience is much like floating in a giant sea of male members. Right, ladies?

    I looked over my shoulder and they were both nodding. I had hoped that they would've had each others clothes off and be going at it on the floor, but no such luck. Anyway, you would've heard their moans and let me know, right? Oh, right; no audio. Still. I forgot.

    So, when you take a picture of your penis, I imagine that you are thinking, "No woman can fail to be impressed by the sight of my massive, rock-hard, throbbing man-lance!" But the reaction of the ladies when they see a picture of a penis from a man they don't know is … somewhat different. It's more like, "Look, someone plucked a one-eyed turkey, and left it out in the snow all night! *giggle*" This is not your strongest opening.

    And it gets worse the more penises they see. After a couple of hours of browsing, the sheer number of penises start to make the whole experience pretty surreal for most girls. For them, perusing the solid wall of disembodied penises that is this site is like taking a lot of drugs and then watching an episode of H.R. Pufnstuf. Except with giant, creepy penises instead of giant, creepy puppets.

    Also, when you send a penis pic to a couple, do you know who you are sending it to? That's right, you're sending it to me. And I don't give two shakes of a rat's ass about your penis. Turns out, I have one of my own. So, if I get your email before Annie does, your penis does nothing to convince me to make sure she sees it.

    So, what have we learned? Don't lead with your penis. Now, you definitely want a picture of your penis available on your profile, so that she can view it at her leisure. But send something more distinctive as your initial contact. Something that makes you stand out from all the other guys. Something that maybe shows you off as creative and fun? Handsome is presumably also good. And remember Annie's advice: tuxedos are for men what sexy lingerie is for women.

    And speaking of your profile … two sentences do not count as a profile.

    "I'm looking for sex with hot women. Hit me up if you are interested."

    Really? What part of that could the ladies have not figured out on their own? You've got "Looking for: Women" in your preferences, so they know you want women. Its a freaking sex site, so they know you want sex. I'm pretty sure they could've figured out that contacting you is, in fact, an option, because why else would you be on this site? So, the new information here is that … you prefer your women to be hot. I think we could've guessed that. You should really only specify how attractive you like your women if you have an unusual preference. For example, "I like really ugly girls! Double-baggers only need apply!" is perfectly acceptable. From a profile standpoint, at least; it's still kind of a weird thing to want. But I'm not here to judge. Except for the guy who failed to set up the ménage à trois. I'll judge him.

    Your profile is where you can point out what is unique and interesting about you. Use it! Write something. Infuse it with some personality. Try to make yourself sound fun and unique.

    I can't tell you how to sound fun and unique, because, if you don't know, you aren't fun and unique. But here are some techniques that will not make you sound fun and unique:


  • have attroshus, Speeling gramer, an puntuashun. no one wnts two fuck a reetaard.

  • Y not use internet shorthand? Bcause it makes U look s2pid. Lol.

  • Have inaccurate or outdated information in your profile. Are you 28, 22, or 24? Because, if your profile says all three in different spots, you look shady. Same thing applies if I can't tell what city you are in because you have two different cities listed in the profile, because you moved and didn't update. And, if your girlfriend leaves you, change your couple's profile to a single male profile. I know it costs money, but the alternative makes you look simultaneously creepy and dishonest.

    But selling is more than just getting the customer to walk in the store. You have to sell them a product. You are the product (You were following that, right? I sorta figure all the stupid guys stopped reading a long time ago.), so now is the time to list your selling points. For examples here are a list of selling points that have successfully swayed the lovely ladies in the room:

  • You're in the military. Girls love a guy in uniform. Plus, it makes them feel all patriotic.
  • You've got a huge penis. It is a selling point. It's just not a slam-dunk by itself.
  • You've got a rock-hard body covered in muscles.
  • You're still a college student.
  • You want to host in a really nice hotel. Or you are throwing an orgy, and there are already other couples coming.
  • You've got professional photography skills, and can take really great pictures of her.

    There's a lot that you can list. Find your strengths, and put a spin on them. But there are two important things to remember.

    One, don't leave off your biggest selling point! Annie actually hooked up with a guy who had the unique ability to not lose his erection after ejaculation. Instead, he could just keep going until his next orgasm! (Note from your nerdy blogger: this is caused by a defect in the pituitary gland, causing it to be unable to secrete the hormone prolactin, which would normally trigger the male body to enter what is called a "refractory stage," in which libido and wakefulness decrease, and erection is impossible. Now you know.) Wow. If you could do this, you'd sure as hell put that in your profile, right? Of course you would, it would get you at least a few hookups on its own. But he didn't have this in his profile, so it was actually a complete surprise to her.

    Two, bragging about your sex skills is not a selling point. You may have mad skills. You may be able to make women come with a shoulder massage. You may be a 4-time Olympic gold medalist in cunnilingus. You may be able to go all night. But, until cunnilingus is an actual Olympic event (I wish), you can't back up your claims with proof. So, you just sound like a blowhard. And while you might want to be blown hard, that is not the way to go about it. When you say, "I'm the best in the world at licking pussy," everyone else just wonders how you know that. Have you licked your own pussy? Because, if you haven't, you don't really know how good you are. And if you have, you're a hermaphrodite. And that's not really our thing. (Note from your nerdy blogger: the term "hermaphrodite" cannot technically be used to refer to a human, because a true hermaphrodite must have both functioning testes and functioning ovaries. The correct term for a person with both a penis and a vagina is an "androgyne." Now you know.)

    Nicoletta would like to add that, when you say you can fuck all night, she has learned from experience that this means you will blow your wad in three strokes or less, and you just feel a need to compensate for your inadequacies by boasting. This is not the impression you want to have on a woman.

    So, how do you let a woman know you've got mad skills? The absolute best way — and the absolute best way to impress a woman on in general — is to have a testimonial from another woman. If a girl says you give awesome oral, fabulous shoulder rubs, and can go all night, other girls take notice. But, of course, that means that you've successfully hooked up with a girl on this site and impressed her. So, the big secret to hooking up successfully on this site is … to already know the big secret to hooking up with girls on this site.'s a bitch, isn't she?

    The other thing you can do is talk about how much you like to do things instead of how good you are at those things. Saying you are good at eating pussy is idle boasting. Saying how much you like to eat pussy, on the other hand, is believable and makes you look good.

    Two more points about selling yourself, and then we'll have recess. Firstly, you do not actually have a hot female fuck-buddy that might be willing to come along eventually. That's what makes you a single male. If this girl actually existed, you'd have a couple's profile. Or, at the very least, a link to her profile in yours. So, don't lie and say you do. The secret to successfully lying is not to make your lies so obvious that no one believes them.

    Secondly, you are a single male. Remember the laws of economics? You are easily replaced (Awww … don't start crying again. It'll be OK.). So no one wants to jump through a lot of hoops to hook up with you. Pay for a profile. I generally just disregard single males who are standard members, without bringing them to Annie's attention. It's too much trouble to get the profile and pictures to them, and to communicate by email, for a reward that is easily obtained elsewhere. If you do not have a vagina, you should at minimum have a silver membership.

    That's a hell of a long blog post. So we'll save "talking to girls" and "impressing girls in the bedroom" for next time. I've written enough today to satisfy Nicoletta so she'll stop nagging me daily for a new blog post. And now that I've written this, surely she'll strip naked and give me my fitting reward. Right, Nicoletta?

    She said no. Fortunately, this blog doesn't have audio, so you can't hear her laughing.
  • 6 Comments , 2 Pending
    Why is it so hard for a girl with cum on her chin to get laid?
    Posted:Sep 19, 2010 8:10 am
    Last Updated:Jan 6, 2011 3:48 pm

    Long time no blog post … sorry about that. Pedro is suffering from overwork and writer's block, so I am going to try my hand at this. Bear with me, Pedro is the wittier half – I just exist to have sex.

    So, I know that the title of this post is probably gonna get me in tons of trouble with people who already offered, but … the logistics of this are really befuddling to me.

    When I first got on this site, so many people's profiles said that applicants must “be real.” I was very confused. When one starts down the slippery slope of philosophy and the state of existence, you never know where you will end up. I think, therefore I am? So I'm real, right? Are there people who read this who are not real? How does that work? Am I real enough? Am I a figment of my own imagination, or of someone else's? If this whole site is imaginary, am I imagining the request to “be real?” Worse, if it is imaginary, then a lot of imaginary people are going to be sorely disappointed by the lack of real people. Ouch – I think I just hurt my brain.

    Sidebar: here I am laying in bed naked and writing, and Pedro must resist the urge to look. I don't like people reading over my shoulder while I'm trying to be creative, and what is attracting him is not my naked body, but what I am writing. I don't think that says so much about my naked bod as about what a freak I married.

    Back on message: So, no longer an virgin, I begin to understand. Apparently there is a whole fetish of people who like to see if they can get you interested, but have no intention of putting out. Hmmm … almost makes furries sound sane. At least furries will put out.

    In the 3 months we have been on this site we have corresponded with and “found” about 8 compatible couples. We have successfully completed a date with one. Not for lack of trying. Sample e-mail exchange:

    Them: Hiya! Can we hit you up?

    Us: Yes, yes you may. Do you understand our ground rules?

    Them: Sounds great to us! When you want to get funky?

    Us: We will have a sitter available the third Sunday after the next full moon...

    Them: E-mail us – we can't wait to have sex.

    Us: Scheduled cleared – let's have sex!

    Us: Ummm … guess the first e-mail did not go through: Schedule cleared – let's have sex!

    Us: Soooo … Date time is in 24 hours, haven't heard from you. Let's have sex?

    Our conversation then turns to “Now what do we do?” We've been building up anticipation of our date for more than 3 weeks and now we want to get freaky! The anticipation has kept us horny and enjoying each other for a couple of weeks, but after eating very good meat and potatoes all week, we are ready for some pasta!

    Well, we have a bunch of wonderful contacts out of town, but 24 hours notice is not enough warning time, plus we had not made arrangements to cover a long drive.

    So, what's available on short notice? Penis! I like penis. There is lots of penis on this site, it's always waving at me. This should be easy, right?

    Let's look back through our e-mail and see who has expressed an interest. Hmmm … this one sounds nice and may be available, never hurts to ask … Oh! Look! This one is “Online Now!” I'll just send a flirt and a quick e-mail and we will be getting lucky in no time! Hello? Hel-lo--oo? Dude, I've waved at you like 4 times in the past hour. Still says you are online … Hey! Hey! … Sigh.

    Let's take a moment to study social structure. Setting aside our own individual feelings of self-worth, sex, like most things in life, is governed by the principal of supply and demand. Those who have it rank higher than those who want it. At the top of the social structure are single women – the rarest of creatures and the most sought after. Almost all the men on the site want them, and so do half the women – regardless if the wanters are singles or couples. The law of supply and demand governs that these women get what they want and the petitioners must bend over backward to present the princess with the best offer to attract her attention away from the others.

    Next are couples where the women are willing to accommodate additional males. That, as it happens, would be us.

    Next are couples who want only women or other couples – they demand rarer items and therefore there is less supply to meet their needs.

    Finally, and I do sympathize with your pain, are the single males. I have corresponded with lots of handsome, smart, gifted men on this site; each deserves his own individual attention and a good, mind blowing fuck. Also, there are a lot of other guys on this site. Sadly, even if I were a nymphomaniac housewife with 2 hour slots available every day of the week, I don't think I could accommodate you all; a compromise must be reached.

    Given that we are only available on 3rd Sundays after a full moon, we will have to take you in groups of 3 or more. Everybody on the same page here? Objections? No? Good.

    So, here we are at 6 PM on a Saturday. Only one option left...the dreaded chat page (Da … Da … Da … Dum!) The system is clunky and crashes regularly. Everybody says hi at once, leaving my poor little brain to keep track of 4 or more conversations at the same time. Hope we can keep straight what we were talking about with whom! On our first outing, we talked with 5 single males who were also resorting to chat on a Saturday night.

  • Number One – booked! Ta-da! But in the interest of helping out our single male friends and justifying the cost of the hotel room, let's invite a couple more.
  • Number Two – after many valuable minutes of discussion, decides that he may not be comfortable with that many men in the room. No, “thanks for your time,” only a “has left the chat room.”
  • Number Three – “ OK, but only if she wears red underwear and handcuffs while abusing herself with a dildo.” (Hello, there are supposed to be 4 penises in this room, what do I need with a dildo?)
  • Number Four – “Really? A girl wants to have sex with me? You want me to do what? Maybe … I can't handle this. Can I call you later?”
  • Number Five - “O.K. Sure. Wait. This is too good to be true! You can't be real! What is she doing right now? Can you text me a pic of what she is doing right now? Oh. OK. Sure. Be there in 20 minutes.” Guess what? No Show!

    Turns out, I should have stopped at Number One. You know who you are. Thanks for a good time, look forward to more.
  • 2 Comments , 1 Pending
    Posted:Sep 1, 2010 7:11 am
    Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:19 am

    Faced with the Great Depression, this nation instituted the New Deal. One of the key features of this program was the creation of the so-called "Alphabet Agencies." This was a whole slew of agencies known primarily by their initials: the FDIC, the SEC, the FCC, the FHA, the TVA, the WPA, the CCC ... the list goes on, since there were more than 100 Alphabet Agencies. Why were New Deal agencies primarily named by initialisms? It may have had something to do with the fact that the president responsible for them, FDR, went by his initials.

    Enough with the history lesson. The point is, we're here to get laid. We never aspired to head a Depression-era government agency. So, why do we have to put up with endless amounts of initials? Maybe some people think that the whole internet works like Twitter. To them, I say: there isn't a 140 character limit on this site; you have plenty of room to write a profile. There is no reason to have a profile two sentences long, and half abbreviated.

    When we first got onto this site, we had no idea what anyone was saying. Two months later, we still have no idea half the time.

    Of all the shorthand on the site, the first thing that really struck us was the semi-initialism "D&D Free." This one really baffled us. We're both nerds. We both play Dungeons & Dragons; "D&D," for short. In fact, we actually met while playing roleplaying games. When we joined this site, we encountered what appeared to be a massive wave of anti-geek bias.

    One night, Annie was perusing the profiles here. "Ooooh," she said, "Look at this couple. They're hot!"

    I came over to the computer. "No good," I said. "They're not interested in us. See? It says that they only want people who are D&D free."

    "Damn! Again? Why do people dislike nerds so much?" She thought for a while. "It's got to mean something other than Dungeons & Dragons. Maybe we should check Urban Dictionary ..."

    "No!" I said. "Absolutely not. I'm not going back to Urban Dictionary. Not after that guy tricked me into looking up 'mung.' The hysterical blindness took hours to wear off. Besides, it's pretty clear what they mean. It says right there that they aren't interested in people who play games."

    "I guess you're right." She pouted in that sexy way she has, and went back to browsing profiles.

    A little while later, she called out, "I think this guy just propositioned me for secret-agent sex roleplaying."

    I was confused, so I came back over.

    "See?" she said. "He's looking for NSA sex. NSA is a spy agency, right?"

    "Well," I said, "That's certainly a unique fetish."

    "Not really. I've seen it on here quite a lot. It takes all kinds to make a world, I guess."

    "I'm not sure it takes all kinds so much as there are all kinds. I'm not sure I really want to dress up like James Bond for sex."

    "But I could be Pussy Galore!"

    "I think I'd rather not. Have you found anything more ... conventional?"

    "Hmmmm ... maybe," she said. "I wonder why so many people on this site are into British television?"

    "What are you talking about?"

    "So many women on this site say they love BBC. I didn't know it was that popular."

    "Well, Masterpiece Theatre is quality television," I said. "I don't know why you'd proclaim your love for it on a sex site, though."

    "Don't try to be all highbrow with me, I'm your wife! I know you don't watch Masterpiece Theatre. The only thing you watch on TV is football."

    "You could pretend you think I'm a cultured intellectual, you know. It would improve my ego."

    "Ooooh!" she said, ignoring me. "This guy has BBC. I bet he gets a lot of play on here, as popular as that is."

    "Yeah, I don't doubt that he regularly has throngs of half-naked vixens at his house, watching Antiques Roadshow UK ..."

    She had clicked on his profile pic, and was no longer listening to me. She was just staring silently at the monitor with a half-smile on her face, entranced.

    "Annie," I said, "Annie? Can you hear me? What is so fascinating? It's just a picture of ... what is that, anyway? A telephone pole?" I looked more closely. "Oh. I see."

    "Yeah," she said. "Me, too." Her voice was subdued, and she was still smiling like the Mona Lisa. She spoke slowly, as though waking up from a pleasant dream. "I think I'm going to send him a quick email."

    "I don't know if he'll be interested."

    "Why not?"

    "Well, he's not looking for sex right now, for a start. He wants it later."


    "See, he says, 'Looking for LTR,' right there."

    "OK," she said, "but he doesn't say how much later. I wasn't planning on driving over there tonight!"

    "I think you were, actually. You're sitting in a puddle."

    She blushed, and looked away. "OK ... but maybe tomorrow will be later enough for him?"

    "I wouldn't be so sure of that," I said. "He also says he requires HWP."

    "What's HWP?"

    "I'm assuming it's short for housewarming parties."

    She looked at me like I had said something insane.

    "What?" I said, "He can probably has a very specific fetish, and can only achieve an erection when attending a housewarming party. Why are you looking at me like that? That thing probably can hold a couple of pints of blood I'm not the slightest bit surprised he has a hard time getting it up."

    She rolled her eyes and started working on her email. "Dear Mr. Redwood, my name is Annie ..." she paused for a moment as she reread his profile. "What does he mean when he says he wants FWB?"

    "Free Will Baptists," I replied. "He must be one of those people who doesn't play outside his faith."

    "Oh, no, mister, I'm not falling for that. After that thing where you thought everyone on the site was Amish*, you aren't tricking me into thinking his profile is tied in with some religious sect!"

    "It's a sects site, sweetie. What did you expect?"

    She groaned in disgust. Her eyes didn't so much roll, as attempt to flee upwards into her skull in an attempt to escape the pun.

    "OK, fine, Miss Skeptical," I said. "Maybe FWB doesn't stand for Free Will Baptists. The Frankfurt stock exchange is also called the FWB. Maybe you think he's looking for that?"

    She stared at me blankly.

    "The Frankfurter Wertpapierbrse," I explained.

    "How do you even know these things? Anyway, I'm emailing him."

    A while later, she called to me once again. "Hey, didn't we determine that BBW had something to with enormous penises? 'Cause here's a woman claiming she's one."

    "No," I said, coming back to the computer, "that was BBC. I don't know what BBW is."

    "Well, let's just look at her profile and ... Oh ... my ..."

    There was a long silence.

    "Honey," she said, "are you OK? You're just staring."

    "I'm hoping the hysterical blindness comes back."

    She closed the profile page. "It said she had 'A little extra padding.'"

    "She does," I said, "in much the same way our mattress has a little extra padding."

    The next day, Annie found me working on our profile, and asked what I was doing.

    "I'm trying to rewrite our profile to make it fit in a little better. Listen to what I've got so far: 'MWC ISO HWP BBC ...'"

    "Hey!" she interrupted, "I'm not particular. BWC is fine, too."

    "Duly noted. '... for NSA or FWB.' What do you think? Hey, where are you going?"

    "To the kitchen," she called back. "I have a sudden craving for a BLT."

    "Go easy on the bacon," I called to her. "I don't want you turning into a BBW."

    * (Note: see previous blog post)
    A social networking site for Amish satyrs
    Posted:Aug 25, 2010 8:01 am
    Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:18 am

    Hello, and welcome to our second blog post!

    Let's begin by recapping what we learned from the first post, shall we?

    As bloggers, Annie & I learned that assigns keywords to blog posts with a computer program that just identifies words used in that post. Our post was tagged with the keyword "witty." Great news! Was it because it was witty? No, it was because we used that word in the post. At this point, I would like to insert the words "handsome" and "studly" into this blog post. For good measure, I'll also insert "sexiest couple in the known universe." No particular reason; why do you ask?

    More importantly, we learned that, in order to find sexy people to have sex with, we were first going to have to learn to understand the cryptic and near-indecipherable language used on

    Of all the euphemisms, idioms, and initialisms on this site, the one that stands out most is "The Lifestyle." It's as ominous-sounding as it is confusing. It makes it sound as though, in order to have sex with anyone on this site, one must first join a cult.

    We didn't know we would be signing up for a lifestyle. We were hoping to keep the lifestyle we already had, except with more group sex; and maybe we'd lose a little weight, to make us more attractive to others. Those were the only changes we were anticipating. When I hear "lifestyle," I think of major life changes, like becoming a vegetarian, or nocturnal, or a eunuch. Or a nocturnal, vegetarian, eunuch. We don't have a TV; that's the closest we get to having a weird lifestyle.

    The Amish have a special lifestyle � dress code, behavioral rules, the whole works. People who like group sex and sex with strangers? I don't think that qualifies, it seems more like a preference than a lifestyle. In fact, when we started perusing this site, I saw the "The Lifestyle" so often that I was worried we had accidentally stumbled onto some sort of sex personals site for the Amish. Fortunately, Annie was there to point out five problems with my logic:

  • This site has 34 million members, way more than the total number of Amish people in the world.
  • The Amish are highly religious, and not known for approving of casual or kinky sex.
  • No one on the site appears to have the highly distinctive appearance or wardrobe required by the Amish.
  • The Amish don't use the internet or computers, so how could there be a social networking site catering to them?
  • Did my mother drop me on my head when I was a baby, because how the hell stupid would I have to be to have thought that "The Lifestyle" meant "Amish?"

    After "The Lifestyle," the next most prevalent euphemism on this site is "swingers." I really hate this term. "Swingers" to me sounds most like the name hardcore Brian Setzer fans would give themselves, if there were enough of them to rate a special name. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Brian Setzer. I thought "Rock This Town," was a pretty good song; I'm not a monster. But if you like Brian Setzer so much that you feel the need to self-identify with his other fans via a special name, I think you may be making a poor life choice. It's not a poor life choice on a par with getting a tattoo of Ke$ha on your ass, but I'd still rather not be mistaken for a member of your clique.

    I'm really in favor of replacing the term "swingers" with a new term. I discussed some possible alternative terms with our friend Nicoleta the first time she referred to us as swingers (Readers may recognize Nicoleta from our first blog post as the lovely young lady with whom we failed to have our first group sex experience.).

    (Note from Pedro: I promise that the following conversation is transcribed exactly the way it occurred, without embellishing or editing to make it more entertaining and/or more embarrassing to Nicoleta. won't allow me to take any sort of storyteller's license when recounting events, because this is an upstanding social networking site, and licentious people aren't allowed as members.)

    "Don't call me a swinger," I told her. "I hate that term. It's stuck in the '70s. It makes me sound like a guy who wears gigantic gold medallions and polyester shirts unbuttoned to the navel to show off my chest hair."

    "I can see that," she said. "So, what do you want to be called instead?"

    "I'm trying to get the word 'swinger' entirely wiped out, and replaced by a new word. I'm thinking of attempting to popularize the term 'sex addict' as its replacement."

    "Hey!" she said. "I object to being called a sex addict!"

    "I didn't think I was calling you one. After all, no one's calling you a swinger."

    "I have an account on, too."

    "Yeah, but you're single," I said. "I don't think you qualify as a swinger unless you're part of a couple. Single people look for sex � it's what they do."

    "Well, what am I called, then?"

    I thought about it. "I think you're just called a slut, dear."

    "Hey! I object to that, too!"

    "Don't get upset. I mean the word 'slut' with nothing but love."

    She got a twinkle in her eye that bordered on malicious. "OK," she said, "so you can be called a male slut."

    "Wait a minute ... I object to that!"

    "But I mean the term 'male slut" with nothing but love."


    "OK, fine, Mr. Sensitive, how about 'man-?'"

    "You many not call me a man-! That sounds like I give blowjobs to strange men for drug money."

    She arched an eyebrow at me. "Not so much?" she asked quizzically.

    "Definitely not!"

    "Hm. Who knew?" She was silent for a minute as she thought. "OK, how about we replace the term 'swingers' with 'nymphos?' No one would object to being called a nympho."

    "Well," I said, "the term 'nymphomaniac' technically refers only to females."

    "Oh. Is there a male equivalent?"

    "Well, the male equivalent of nymphomania is satyriasis, but there's no word I know of for a man that has it."

    "How about satyrs?" she suggested.

    "No, you can't call male swingers satyrs. Satyrs are little, horny, hairy goat-people."

    "In my experience," she said, "that description applies to a lot of male swingers, too."

    I thought about it for a minute. "OK, Nicoleta," I said, "I'm going to have to concede that point."

    This post only barely scratched the surface of's bizarre lexicon. We could do a whole post just on initialisms. In fact, we probably will. But that will have to wait until next time. As always, we'd love your comments, so don't be shy.
    How a nice southern couple came to this
    Posted:Aug 22, 2010 7:12 pm
    Last Updated:Dec 22, 2010 6:17 am

    Hello, and welcome. This blog will be our occasional observations about things that happen to us as we use this website to pursue our sexual proclivities. We hope it will be witty and entertaining, or, at least, mildly amusing. The lovely lady whose pictures you were likely ogling immediately before reading this is Annie, my wife. I, Pedro, will be your humble narrator for most of these entries. I am the more verbal member of the couple, while Annie is more of a visual artist. If Annie feels the need to clarify that the voice speaking is hers, the text will be pink, like so.

    I know that this is redundant to the opening lines of our profile, but we both like group sex. The reason we have a profile here isn't because of any philosophical objection to patriarchal monogamy, or any devotion to the concept of free love. We're here because we realized that some of the most fun things to do during sex couldn't be done with just the two of us. This epiphany occurred while we were watching porn, as all red-blooded Americans do. Porn stars get to do a lot of stuff that looks like a lot of fun. We wanted to try that, too! But, no matter how hard we tried to make it work, there was no way for me to get a blowjob from two women simultaneously without there being another woman present. The same principle applied to Annie having a man at each end at the same time. Or me watching Annie with another woman. So, we just figured that this stuff would remain in the realm of fantasy.

    There's another thing that porn stars get to do that looks like a lot of fun, too: be in porn. That, we figured we could do. Just dress up Annie in her sexiest garb, and be lucky that we live in the era of the digital camera. Turns out, this is not as easy as it looks. We got a lot of blurry pictures of the tops of each other's heads, and a lot of out-of-focus, underexposed close-ups of unidentifiable body parts. This did not prove to be as sexy as we had hoped. So, we tried tripods, self-timers, and even webcams. The result was pretty much the same, with the added benefit of lots of photos of a man trying to regain the erection that went away while he was fucking around with the goddam camera. It was clear that we were going to have to have one person to take the pictures, and another to do the fucking.

    So, we realized that we were going to bring other people into the bedroom. We figured it may as well be sexy people for group sex, and not just professional photographers. But, how to go about it?

    Attempt one: get the wife's hottest girlfriend really drunk. This came so close to working. She got drunk! She got horny! She got naked! ... She ended up leaving the party with some other guy. OK, that's a strike, but we aren't out yet, right? ... Wrong. She ended up moving in with the other guy. Well, at least our machinations got someone laid. Just not us.

    Attempt two: go on vacation to a big city and go to a sex club. This worked really well. Except for the fact that it costs so damn much, it was about perfect. Every several months, when we were in the mood, we would go down to Tampa, get a hotel room, dress up sexy, and head out. The first problem with this is that, if we struck out on our evening out, we had just blown a couple hundred bucks to have sex with each other. We could do that for free at home. The other problem came from Annie's uterus: our .

    Turns out, once we had a , we couldn't just take a 250 mile drive and a three-day weekend to have sex with strangers whenever we felt like it. And, if we had the time, we didn't have the money.

    So, we were out of options. Our group sex and self-porn fantasies were doomed to remain just fantasies. At least we could still look at porn. And that's how we came to be here.

    Turns out, the best place to get porn isn't seedy "bookstores" bordering on unlit alleys which seem to primarily serve as locations for clandestine gay sex. There's actually this thing called the internet, of which you may have heard, that's just full of porn. Unfortunately, the internet is also filled with things that are considerably less savory than wholesome pornography depicting group sex; that's right, I mean advertising. We use Firefox with the AdBlock extension, of course. But, there are some companies that are insanely aggressive with their ads. Banner ads. Pop-up ads. Flash ads that obscure content. Interstitial ads. AdBlock just can't stop them all. So, even with precautions, we were bombarded by annoying ads for one of the most aggressive websites on the internet. You may have heard of it, too; I'm just playing the odds with that guess.

    Finally, it just got so bad, I started swearing at the ads out loud. "Dammit,, quit bothering me! I just want to download some pirated copies of pornographic movies! I don't want to meet any sexy singles in my ar ... eeee ... ah?. Wait. Wait, that's exactly what I want. Touch�, Touch�."

    So, we signed up! Aren't you glad? We thought we were going to meet some sexy, fun people who liked group sex. Instead we immediately found ourselves plunged into a wholly foreign land, with no map, guide, or translator. The natives were called "swingers," and they all devoutly practiced a religion called "The Lifestyle." They spoke a language that was entirely unintelligible to us, and half of which appeared to consist of initialisms. But that's a story for our next blog entry.

    We'd love your comments. Tell us how you found your way onto this website, and into the practice of sleeping with (large groups of?) strangers!
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