The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid, Part 2  

rm_highbrowkink 48M/48F
73 posts
11/29/2010 8:01 pm
The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid, Part 2


Wow. I have been really overwhelmed by the response to the last blog post. Clearly, a lot of people really identified with the subject matter. And it was certainly gratifying to see requests for another entry flood in from this blog's numerous regular readers. OK, maybe "numerous" is too strong a word. This blog's several regular readers? This blog's fan base of a few, extremely devoted, regular readers? No?

It was certainly gratifying to see the response from both of this blog's regular readers. One of whom is only here because he's hoping to fuck Annie.

Well, I am here to please (female readers, take note). So, if people want another blog post, I'll give them one. As such, I present to you the second part of

The Single Man's Guide to Not Completely Fucking Up Your Chances to Get Laid


For those of you who didn't read the last entry, I have a behind-the-scenes view of two different women as you try and fail to hit on them. Because I'm such a nice guy, I'm going to share with you what I have learned about what it is that you are doing wrong.

Last time, I told you how to get a woman's attention and make a good impression with your profile. But, remember, no one ever bought a CD just because they liked the cover art.

Actually, now that I think of it, I've bought a CD just because I liked the cover art, so maybe that wasn't the best metaphor. But you can't rely on the women you are trying to seduce having the same level of poor judgment that I do, unless you have a fetish for women with severe head injuries. My point is, just having a snazzy profile isn't going to get you laid; you're going to have to seal the deal. At some point, you're going to have to talk to a woman.

You have a great deal of interest in the wonderful things women can do with their mouths and hands. But, for most of you, that doesn't mean talking or typing, does it? Face it; even the most confident man is in way, way over his head trying to converse with a woman he doesn't know and is hoping to seduce. Even Hugh Hefner, the original playboy, still probably gets a twinge in his guts when faced with the task. At his age, though, the twinge is probably from his colostomy bag backing up. Hopefully, no one reading this will have that problem (if you do, maybe you ought to be over at Senior Sizzle instead of at TSdates.com).

The key word in the above paragraph is "confident" (not "colostomy," fortunately). The single thing that will drive a woman away faster than anything else is desperation. Women can smell desperation like a can smell bacon. And the great paradox of approaching a woman is that, if you want her to want you, she won't want you. Go ahead, read that again. I understand; it's a hell of a sentence.

Got it? Good. Let's elaborate. I'm going to spend this whole blog post explaining how to rid yourself of that horrible stench of desperation that clings to you like cologne you bought from a vending machine in a truck stop bathroom.

Acting like you want the company of a woman is a guaranteed way to never enjoy the company of a woman. That's right, the way to attract women is to not want to attract women. Remember last time, when I said TSdates.com's a bitch? Yep. A total bitch.

Now, this revelation has probably prompted misogynistic cursing amongst some of you. Simmer down. Let's examine this phenomenon, and we'll see it makes perfect sense for women to behave this way. You clearly don't have a woman, right? That's why you are a single male. If you don't have a woman, and you want a woman, then there must be a reason you've failed to get one. Which means that there must be something wrong with you. If you want a woman so badly, but can't get one, you must have some humongous flaw that has driven all of the other women away. And why the hell would a woman want a flawed man? She's not going to further investigate to confirm that you really are flawed or find out what is wrong with you. As we covered last time, single men are not exactly a rare commodity; you aren't worth the effort. She'll just move on to the next man.

You see? Women are logical and rational creatures, no matter what sitcoms want you to believe.

So, whatever you do, sound confident, not desperate! Most men who come across as desperate just need to edit themselves more closely, because they don't realize how much they are whining. But, believe it or not, there are some men who seem to believe that acting desperate will somehow get them more pussy; I suppose they are hoping for pity fucks. The ladies have actually shown me messages from these men. Never say "it's been months since I've had the touch of a woman." In fact, never allude to how long it's been since you last slept with a woman. Not even if she's showering while you type the message (you dog, you). Certainly don't bitch to a woman about how hard it is to hook up on TSdates.com, and how you're going to give up if she doesn't sleep with you. Yes, that actually does happen. Does the guy who tried this really think that a woman is going to throw herself on his penis in a valiant act of self-sacrifice, martyring her naughty bits to keep him from having a bad experience on a sex personals site? 'Cause she isn't. If you threaten to quit the site out of frustration, she's just going to tell you not to let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Actually, she won't say that, because there's no actual door to leave the website; I'm just over-extending a metaphor. Also, she would probably rather the door does hit you. If there was a door. Which there isn't.

The point is, women are not going to try and rescue you from your loneliness. They do not join this site for the opportunity to be your mother. Not unless they're into some weird incest roleplaying fetish, that is; but I'd rather not contemplate that. If you try to play on a woman's sympathy of your pathetic loneliness to get laid, your actual mother would probably say you don't deserve any pussy. She'd be ashamed of you.

OK, so you've learned not to talk about being lonely or frustrated. But there are other ways you are telegraphing desperation. Two important points are coming up in the blog, so get out a a pen and paper so you can write them down. I don't want you to miss them. This is important stuff. I'll wait here.

Tell me you didn't actually go and get a pen and paper … No, don't; I don't want to know. Just learn to recognize a joke, OK?

The first important point is: never mention your ex.

The second important point is: never mention your ex.

On the surface, it may seem that these points are very similar. But I feel that the underlying message bears repetition, because, based on what the ladies tell me, a lot of you have missed it.

Seriously, the woman you are hitting on does not want to hear about your ex. Not at all. Not even a little bit. Mentioning your ex just reminds the woman you are talking to that you are single. And, as we've learned, women don't actually want single men, because single men are probably horribly flawed.

Saying nice things about your ex reinforces the point that it was she that left you, and therefore that you are flawed. Saying nasty things about your ex is even worse. Your ex presumably has at least one thing in common with the woman you are talking to (gender), and likely many more. If you have just contacted a woman, and start describing an unpleasant confrontation with your ex, with whom do you think the woman will identify? With you, or with another woman, probably of about her own age? Guess what, Mac? When you bitch about your ex, you don't make her look bad, you make yourself look bad.

And never, ever say, "You remind me of my dead ex-girlfriend." That's possibly the worst line in the history of ever. It makes a play for sympathy, mentions an ex, and ratchets the creepy up several notches.

So, if you don't complain of loneliness, and don't mention your ex, how can the women still tell that you are desperate? You know they can, 'cause you're having no luck. Based on what the ladies tell me, the number one thing that makes you look bad is hanging around when you shouldn't. If you can't take a hint, they figure you're just ignoring the hints because you're so desperate to talk to a woman. If you can't tell that the conversation has gone flat, it must be that you refuse to acknowledge failure because you don't want to go back to your lonely life.

As Nicoletta pointed out, "If you have been chatting with me for 15 minutes, and all I've typed for the past 10 minutes is 'lol,' that means you are not going to sleep with me." When this happens to you, what is going on behind the scenes is that she is ignoring you so that she can flirt with me on Facebook chat. Note: I didn't say arrange a rendezvous with me; just idly flirt without intent. Because she thinks that would be more interesting than fucking you. I want you to think of this the next time a conversation with a woman goes flat and you don't want to just give up. Think, "This woman is indicating that she would rather actively not have sex with Pedro than have sex with me. I shouldn't have to put up with this affront to my dignity." That oughta give you the kick in the pants you need to just walk away. You're welcome.

Repeated, increasingly desperate emails are even worse. More than once, Annie has gotten an email from a guy whom she found acceptable, but not outstanding. This means that this guy was highly likely to eventually get fucked, if he had just been patient. But, instead, he kept emailing.

"Hi. Just wondering when you wanted to get together."

"Hi. Are you two free this weekend?"

"Hi. It's me again. Any plans?"

"Hi. Did you forget me?"

"Hi. It's OK, I understand, I get busy, too. Just give me a call whenever."

"Hi. Wondering if you ever wanted to get together."

"Hi. I'm sitting in the dark, naked, thinking of you. Call me."

"Hi. Please touch me. Just once. Please."

"Hi. It's me. I just want to smell your hair. Pleeeeease." This guy has just emailed himself out of a hookup.

So, what I'm saying is, the secret to talking to women is to walk away from conversations with women. Yes, really. Don't forget, TSdates.com's a bitch. But, lest you are tempted to ignore my advice, let me warn you of the very real perils of overstaying your welcome in a conversation.

You see, women are often very non-confrontational. This is a natural defense mechanism when dealing with men. Unlike women, who behave, as we have shown, in a very rational manner, we men are fragile, emotional beings, prone to unpredictable and passionate outbursts. Yeah, it turns out that sitcoms know nothing about human nature (fun fact: everybody actually hated Raymond). A woman who politely tells a man that she is simply not interested and that he ought to go away is risking him … escalating the conversation; often rather aggressively and/or obscenely. Women don't want to listen to a profanity-laced tirades about how they are worthless whores just to earn the privilege of not having to talk to you. Often, they would rather make you think it is your idea to go away.

The other night, Nicoletta was cruising for men, when I heard her say, "This guy can't take a hint. He won't go away. There's no way I'm going to fuck him …

"I'm going to tell him I want to poop on him. Maybe that'll get rid of him."

Yes, you read that right. She asked the guy if she could come over and poop on him.

Last time I advised you to just walk away from a woman if you couldn't accommodate her desires, because you can't change her mind about what she wants. Let me clarify that; this does not mean you should bend over backwards to accommodate a woman's unpalatable requests. The woman probably only has borderline respect for you to begin with — remember, we've demonstrated that just being a single man indicates that you are probably flawed in some way. If you agree to something you clearly are not into, she's just going to lose what little respect she has for you.

I know what you're thinking. "Pedro, you can't possibly mean that this guy agreed to let her poop on him, right? Right?"

What he said was, "I guess we could try it, if you want to. But only if we stay in the bathtub."

Way to draw a line there, buddy. You've firmly protected your masculinity. At least the parts of it that are carpeted and upholstered.

Women can be cruel. Nicoletta can be exceptionally cruel. Trust me on that; she's cruel to me, and she likes me. This guy had just thrown away what little respect she had for him. Plus, she was bored. This was a very bad combination for him. Before long, she was saying, "Don't worry about Pedro. He'll just be videotaping. He doesn't like to get too close; he doesn't want to risk staining his clothes. He won't even touch you, except to administer the enema. Of course, there'll be an enema. You don't expect me to stick my whole foot up there without one, do you? I'd ruin my favorite stilettos." She tormented the poor bastard for over half an hour. And he agreed to everything, if she agreed to fuck him. Which she had no intention of doing. Which, from the beginning, she never had any intention of doing. I think he finally gave up after she explained that her was well-trained, and might not even try to mount him.

So, just walk away. It's for your own good. Trust me.

One more mistake that will make you look desperate, and then we'll be done for today's post. There is no way to subtly shoehorn sex in where it isn't appropriate. Now, you would think that, since this is a sex website, it wouldn't be hard to smoothly steer a conversation around to sex. After all, the women are here for sex, right? But there are guys who still manage to fuck this up. Making yourself look over-eager for sex on a freaking sex website may make you look a wee bit desperate — in the same way that President Taft was a little bit plump, Ron Jeremy is a touch too hirsute, and Henry VIII may have been just the teensiest bit impatient with his wives.

This can happen in a lot of different places on the site, but I'm going to focus on blogland, because this is where I see it. Some of the smarter guys here have figured out that blogs are where a lot of women spend their time on this site, and that a good way to communicate with women is to remark on something they said in a blog post or comment. Kudos, guys; engaging a a woman by talking about something she said is a tactic with a very high percentage of success. Women, like everyone, are proud of their opinions, and eager to talk about subjects that interest them. And, when you are dealing with women who are specifically here to look for sex? Hell, if you can pull this approach off correctly, you've got her knickers halfway to the floor already.

So, why are so many guys doing it wrong? For examples, all you have to to is go back through my blog and look at the comments. You'll notice that a lot of the comments by single men have, at best, only a tangential relationship to the subject of the blog post. But these comments do include something on the order of "if you two are ever interested …" I'm going to focus on a specific example, though, which isn't from my blog.

Nicoletta, who is frequently frustrated by the men on this site, wrote a blog post about the things the men here do that "drive her up a wall." The tone of her post was decidedly … let's say sardonic. Some guy wrote a comment on the post that consisted of this sentence and only this sentence:

"love to chat with you sometime"

Really? She's bitching about how the guys on this site can't do shit right, essentially challenging you to bring your A-Game, and you come with that weak shit? Did you even read the post? I suspect you just saw a post written by a female, scrolled straight to the bottom, and tried to hit on her. The point of using a woman's blog as a way into her panties is to demonstrate that you care enough about her opinion to actually read it and discuss it thoughtfully. What you've demonstrated is that you can write a script to automatically insert pick-up lines in to the comments sections of women's blogs. At least capitalize and punctuate; it'll give you some dignity as you go down in flames.

Listen guys, you're doing it wrong. I suppose you think that you stand out from the other single males by approaching Annie via a less-taken route. But she just rolls her eyes at the losers who are so desperate to hook up that they'll write a blog comment even though they have nothing to say. Do you know why those comments are still here? Because I, not Annie, approve or delete comments on my posts. Annie would rather they not get approved in the first place. And, on the posts she writes, a lot of the most egregious offenders don't get approved.

Annie is kind of an … easy girl. For years, she thought the definition of "seduction" was buying her call-brand mixed drinks instead of well-brand. In a case like that, you should just be forthright, and write her a message indicating that you'd like to fuck her. Most of these messages fail (there are an awful lot of you, after all), but at least they don't earn her immediate contempt. Writing a blog comment that contains no information other than your desire to fuck her makes you look like a circling the dining table, hoping a scrap will fall.

While I'm on the subject of blog post comments, I'm going to digress for a moment from the subject of desperation to the subject of avoiding unintentional irony. I'm going to do this by calling out one of my own readers. I've got plenty, right? So I can afford to maybe piss one off? Not so much? Oh, well, the guy wants to fuck Annie, and, while he made an amusing mistake, he didn't actually completely fuck up his chances to do so (Annie tells me his chances remain considerably better than average.). So, I'm guessing he'll stick around.

In my last post, I advised that men be sure to highlight their good points when selling themselves. So, he did so in his comment. Nice start; it showed he read the post. But, I also advised that men always use proper spelling, punctuation, and grammar. So, describing himself as "atheltic" (sic) … let me just say that making women laugh is usually a good way to make a positive impression. But that's not the way to go about it. It's an innocent mistake, I'm sure, but one that's going to leave egg on your face if you repeat it. So pay attention to what you say, and make sure that, if you come across as amusingly ironic, it was intentional.

Alright, guys, that's all I have room for today. Next time, I'll finish up with the finer points of talking to women and how to keep them coming back for more. Until then, get out there and practice what you've learned. And good luck.

Before I go, just remember, the most important lesson for today is, when talking to women, you must be confident. And you must do so while remembering that economics dictates that you are a near-worthless commodity that can be easily discarded and replaced. And that the mere fact that you are single is a signal to women that you are inherently flawed. And that you must resolve several impossible paradoxes in order to succeed at hooking up.

But, hey, be confident. Right?

I really can't believe you're still listening to me.

rm_highbrowkink 48M/48F
89 posts
12/4/2010 9:51 pm

To Annie and Nicoletta:

Down, girls!


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