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Ramblings of the depraved.....
 
Welcome to my blog!
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
What can I say... I'm a class act!
Posted:May 3, 2021 3:45 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2021 5:46 pm
15057 Views

As if I don't embarrass myself enough during the course of the ....

Let's throw in a little uncontrollable coughing and eye watering to sweeten the pot!

Bonus!!

Mascara smeared my eyes??

Even better!

Can I manage to do this with an audience??

Golden!

I had just taken a sip of water to have it go down the wrong hole as the New Guy was entering my office.

It was a magical moment....

Gasping for air a little, I immediately started to cough while my eyes watered uncontrollably.

There was no gaining my composure.

"You know what makes me mad...."

Really??

This guy is going to sit here and complain to me while I choke to death before his very eyes?"

*Cough* *Cough* *Cough*

"No, what?"

I barely squeaked it .

Stars were circling before my eyes and I was certain I was about to pass out... New Guy was oblivious.

"I get so ticked off......."

He went on and on but I never heard a word. I was about one cough away from hacking up a lung when he finally asked if I was listening to him.

" sorry, that water went down the wrong hole just as you were walking in."

", I saw it."

Really???? You SAW it and yet you continued on like I wasn't dying before your very eyes???

The average person would ask if I was ok.

I guess he's not your average man....

Happy Monday!
21 Comments
It's a cat heart attack, dear Liza.....
Posted:May 2, 2021 4:21 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2021 4:30 pm
12662 Views

Why yes it IS possible scare the living daylights out of your kitty!

Here's how you do it:

Apply detoxifying charcoal face mask to face while kitty is on balcony.

Sit on couch, call kitty.

Wait for kitty to bounce into the living room and onto your lap.

BAM!

The moment kitty looks upon your face and sees nothing but white eyes peering from behind that black face mask she will be recoiling in terror, eyes wide, bounding away as fast as her little legs will take her.

I have to admit, I probably got a little too much enjoyment out of this when it happened a few minutes ago.

Can't wait to see if I can pull it off again.....

Happy Sunday!
19 Comments
Caramel Apples and Exploration
Posted:May 2, 2021 4:45 am
Last Updated:May 3, 2021 3:28 pm
11689 Views
The Spawn and I trekked out to Petoskey yesterday to see what we could see.

For the first time in a long time she actually seemed to.... Enjoy herself.

Smiles....

Laugher....

I even managed to sneak a few pics of her smiling.

Imagine that!!

It was a glimpse of the Spawn yet to come.

Confident, self-assured, a friend.

Aside from the caramel apples I picked up at the candy store, my best finds were found at the bookstore.

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you are just drawn to something?

When I entered the store I just stood there for a moment and glanced around.

Cluttered, colorful, full of people...

One of the workers yelled over to us a 'hello' and we hello'ed back.

Cheerful.

Before I knew it we were descending the stairs to the basement level and I was closing in on the poetry section.

Almost as though I was being pulled toward it....

I went immediately to this.



The Spawn had found a copy of 'Milk and Honey' and exclaimed...

"I wanted to read this book but the library doesn't have it!"

We left the store two books happier and richer!

I ended the day sharing my caramel apple with my Middle while he told me about his accomplishments of the day.

This will forever be my favorite memory of eating a caramel apple.

21 Comments
Saturday Morning Yoga
Posted:May 1, 2021 5:14 am
Last Updated:May 3, 2021 3:39 am
11859 Views

I did a beginners minute morning yoga routine this morning.

Nothing like a little yoga to remind you that you are NOT very flexible.

Egads....

I ended up not going to the gym last night, I was completely exhausted when I got home from work.

Exhausted to the point that I sat down on the couch and fell asleep in the blink of an eye.

Literally....

So, I figured a little yoga to start my day would be needed.

Uh.... Yah!

Soul crushing, I tell you.

Their version of beginner and my version of beginner... Two totally different things.

I participate in a Hinge Health program through my health insurance and as part of it you have access to all kinds of stuff, exercise routines included.

This is where I found beginners yoga!

It would be helpful though if they had an actual beginner doing the video. Some of us would like to see the chubby girl with the flexibility of a tire iron attempting to remain balanced as she threads the needle....

There I was, perched on my yoga mat watching the demonstrator on the video threading the needle with her right arm, head and shoulders on the mat, pulling it off in slow.... smooth.... movements.

"Exhale as you thread the needle with your right arm....."

My version was not quite so smooth.

Oh shit! Lost my balance...

I don't think my shoulder was meant to be on the mat....

I'm stuck... OMG! I'm stuck!!

Is my knee supposed to crack like that?

While I did manage to thread the needle with both arms, sound effects were involved. And a little profanity....

But I did thread that fucking need.

Happy Saturday!
16 Comments
A blank page....
Posted:Apr 30, 2021 3:29 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2021 4:36 am
10612 Views

I'm struggling find words fill it.

When I got home last night the Spawn was sitting the couch just waiting disapprove of .

"Mom, really?!?"

"What?"

"Another shipment of bras??"

Rolling her eyes, she glanced off behind me a bag that was laying the table.

" goody!! The last 3 finally got here."

"Um, how many does that make now, like.... a million?"

Standing , she unplugged her phone and started heading into the kitchen.

"One day you'll realize, when you find something you like that fits you, you buy it in every color."

Unfortunately, she's not quite old enough for me to impart my wisdom on her yet. It goes in one ear and out her mouth as a snarky retort.

One day.... One day I'll get my chance to be Yoda.

I just hope I don't have to look like a little, green stroke victim in a burlap sack to pull it off.

Until then, osmosis it is.

Something's bound to sink in from time to time.....

Happy Friday!
23 Comments
Laziness abounds!
Posted:Apr 29, 2021 3:50 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2021 3:06 pm
11150 Views

I don't know how much of this comes through on my blog, but I'm kind of a clean freak.

A place for everything, everything in it's place....

You don't invite company over when there are dishes in the sink....

The first step to getting your life in order is to get your house in order....

I realized, though, when I wore the last of the new underwear I bought because I ran out of clean underwear last weekend and STILL haven't done laundry, something is amiss!

My bedroom has become a swirling vortex of dirty laundry ready to claim it's next victim. I find myself shielding my eyes from the mess as I climb into bed at night, each night telling myself....

Tomorrow I'm going to HAVE to do laundry!

Yet, tomorrow comes, and no laundry has been done....

So, here I sit this morning, silently cursing myself for, yet again, not doing any laundry after work last night. It's gone past the uncomfies now and I'm officially into the depths of the drawer where the Forgotten Realm lies....

The realm where missing socks and tummy control underwear go to die.

I've managed to find a pair with leg holes that were cut just a little too small and a waist band that's just a little too big.

Now, this is going to be a fantastic day!

I can't wait to hike up my drawers every 5 minutes throughout the day....

I think this may be the kick in the ass that I needed, though, to get that fucking laundry washed.

If I make it through the day without chucking these things in the garbage, it will be my lucky day.

Happy Thursday!
28 Comments
Oh.... Cripe!
Posted:Apr 28, 2021 3:48 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2021 3:30 am
10599 Views

My cat is in heat.

Ugh....

I'll definitely be making an appointment to get her spayed when this is all done. She's an annoying nightmare right now.

I've only ever had one cat in my life and, she as probably already fixed by the time we got her, so I've never experienced this before.

This sucks!

Until then, wish me luck!
22 Comments
How many umbrellas are considered too many?
Posted:Apr 27, 2021 4:00 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2021 3:10 pm
10541 Views

Depends...

Are you leaving work?

Is it pouring down rain?

Are you currently without an umbrella??

Then, you can NEVER have too many umbrellas.... The other two umbrellas in your car need a third!

I was the checkout purchasing yet ANOTHER umbrella when I heard a voice yell my name.

It was my Work BFF.

"Oh my God!! !!!! so glad you saw , I was almost the door! How are you??"

, I sounded a little like a five year old who had just seen her parents after the Christmas play .

Loud... Excited... Smiley...

He was still happy to see , regardless, and we ended up talking for quite a while, catching up on his new job and some of the happenings in his personal life.

Long enough, in fact, that it actually quit pouring outside and the sun was coming out as I walked to my car.

Thank God I bought that third umbrella!

Egads...

Happy Tuesday!
18 Comments
How do you dress?
Posted:Apr 27, 2021 3:43 am
Last Updated:May 16, 2021 5:07 am
15221 Views

When the weather man says...

It can be anywhere from the mid 40's to the mid 70's today.

Really?

Um.... Is that a scientific guess there, Michael Stevens?

I feel like someone who has spent that many years in meteorological school could kind of narrow that down *just a little*. I do realize everything you forecast is basically a meteorological guess based on a weather pattern you are seeing on a screen...

But 40 - 70 degrees??

I can't wait to see what the actual temp gets to today.

I'll keep you posted.... Happy Tuesday!
42 Comments
Feeling some block...
Posted:Apr 26, 2021 3:53 am
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2021 4:43 am
10380 Views
Writer's block, that is.

I have stuff I could write about....

I'm just... I'm just not feeling the words pour from me like usual. I often describe my writing as free flow because that's pretty much what happens.

I sit down.

I think about something that happened to me during the day.

I write.

I was on my way to the Dennos Museum in Traverse City yesterday when I found myself driving behind a shitbox van that had a sticker on the back window that said...

Jesus would slap the shit out of you!

And I though, you know what? He probably would.

When did I become the girl who sits back and lets life happen to me??

Fuck that shit!

Time for me to take charge again.

Speaking of block...

When I was at the museum yesterday I happened across this gem!



An anatomically correct block man!



Or, as I'd like to refer to him.... My new boyfriend.



While it's not really a happy day for me, it is a day.

So, I'll just leave it at.... Monday!
34 Comments
Something for Nothing
Posted:Apr 22, 2021 3:21 am
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2021 3:23 am
11525 Views

"I was told I still have to work while I wait for the results of my COVID test to come back."

This is not the first time I've had an angry employee complaining about this in my office.

"Were you directed by a doctor or governing authority to get the test? The policy is, we respect everyone's choice to get a COVID test if they choose to do so but if you weren't directed to, you do it on your own time. If you want to be paid, you still have to work."

The problem is, back in the way beginning of this COVID shit, my company was giving out paid time off right and left for anything COVID related.

Tested?? We don't want you back! PTO time until you get those results!

Employees jumped on this bandwagon like gangbusters!

Yah, I'd really like a day weekend.... I think I'll get tested Friday morning and get the whole weekend off, with . Bonus!!

"I don't agree with this. My neighbors was diagnosed with COVID and she was hanging out my 's best friend the day before!"

"Did the health department call you or your and tell you quarantine?"

"No. They should have though."

"Whether they should have or not is not . I understand your concerns. I really do. Every single one of us here at work has these close calls every single day, believe . We work with the public."

"I was told the company got a money from the government to cover this! Why aren't they using it!"

, fuck-tastic!

Nothing like a good stick-it--the-man conspiracy!

"The company is using it for the employees who ARE diagnosed with COVID. They ARE using it for the employees who are required quarantine because they are directed do so by a governing authority. They ARE using it for the employees who fail a health screen due exposure."

"I fall into that exposure thing though!"

"Were you within 6 feet of your neighbors for more than minutes?"

"No."

"Then you haven't been exposed."

Not going lie folks....

I am SO ready for this whole COVID thing be over. Well, as over as it can be, anyway.

Until then, I get deal with this shit daily.

Happy Thursday!
14 Comments
Lunch Time with the Workplace Killjoy
Posted:Apr 21, 2021 2:50 pm
Last Updated:Apr 22, 2021 3:31 am
10419 Views

Feeling happy? Confident?? Ready conquer the world???

My Workplace Killjoy can turn that around in a heart beat.... Trust !

"Hi [Killjoy], how's your day going?"

"Oh...."

Momentary silence

"You know."

I refuse let this woman ruin my lunch!

"Did you hear about [Suzy Q]? She got engaged over the weekend! I can't wait check out the ring."

"Marriage.... You know, that's the worst mistake anyone can make."

Oh shit, here it comes. I'm going need a Xanax just get through my lunch.

I fucking hate the Workplace Killjoy.

The question is, will she or won't she be able work the drug overdoses of both of her into her story today.

"What really gets is the fact that my ex husband was with my when my overdosed on morphine..."

Sigh.... Yep.

"....when I found out he was a quarter of a million dollars in debt even after selling our business..."

How much of this can I take before they have take the sharp implements away from me?

Quick, someone hide my letter opener!

"...I ended up calling the cops and having them do a wellness check on my but it was too late..."

The first few times I'd heard the stories it really pulled at my heartstrings.

How does a mother go on after not one, but die from a drug overdose?

I assumed she just need be able talk about it gain closure.... But, I've since changed my opinion on that.

I started watch her as she tells the story.

She's doing it for attention.

Ugh... I think I need a Xanax to just revisit this whole thing and write about it in my blog!

Cause, even though I know her tragedy has become a crutch for her to gain attention, it still makes me feel sad for her .
6 Comments
It was a sports bra debacle!
Posted:Apr 20, 2021 5:15 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2021 3:41 pm
11842 Views

Tonight at the gym it was couples central.

To be honest, I was feeling a little jealous.

A husband / wife on the elliptical machines, a girlfriend / boyfriend lifting weights, hell, there was even a husband / wife on the stationary bikes behind .

Then there was .

And Sweaty Armpit Guy. Ack! Let's forget about him....

Then there was .

I was on the treadmill trying not see Sweaty Armpit Guy washing his face and hands with a wet wipe when I felt a weird tugging sensation on my right shoulder.

What the heck?!

I rolled my shoulder a little and I could feel my right breast lifting a hair as the fabric of my sports bra started slide upward.

Glancing down, I couldn't figure out what the fuck was happening.

And then I saw it.

It was horrible.

A nightmare of unimaginable horrors.

A sight that couldn't be unseen.

Apparently I hadn't locked the zipper down all the way on my sports bra and it had come apart while I was on the treadmill. Thankfully the sports bras for the chesty-girls have hooks that also fasten in the front aid in locking the girls down for exercise.

Unfortunately for , that hook had met it's match and it came unfastened too.

So there I was, trucking along on the treadmill, flopping in the wind.

Fantastic.

Cutting my walk short, I quickly wiped down my machine and inconspicuously crossed my arms, making my way to the restroom to harness the girls back up.

If I could have died of embarrassment, that would have been the end of me.

Right then and there...

Fortunately you can't die of embarrassment so here I now sit, chronicling my debacle for all the world to see.

Happy Tuesday!
27 Comments

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