Ramblings of the depraved.....
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Nature Walks with Secret_Lade
Posted:Oct 10, 2021 4:10 pm
Last Updated:Oct 12, 2021 3:26 pm
I've been driving past this place for the past three weeks, thinking myself, I need that out.

So, today I did.

No loons.... Just this.


On the plus side, I did get a nice walk in, on a beautiful day, at a pretty lake.

Country Mouse signing out....
Picture if you will....
Posted:Oct 10, 2021 3:11 am
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2021 4:10 pm

A sight so disturbing you sit frozen in fear, the urge scream embedded deep in your chest, struggling break free.

I had just settled in this morning, remote in one hand, coffee in the other.

And then I felt it, the feeling.

You know the feeling...

The feeling that you are being watched without your knowing. Taking a sip from my coffee, I glanced into the kitchen, not quite sure what I was expecting to see.


Sitting the cup down on the stand next to , I glanced into my bedroom, steeling myself for God only knows what to be looking back at .


Beginning feel like a complete moron who has watched way many scary Halloween movies already, I held the remote out turn the TV.

And that's when I saw them....


A lone set of eyes were peering back at from inside the storage cube below my TV.


The cube was pushed the way in, the eyes peering through the small space between the top of the cube and the stand that encased it.

In my minds eye I was picturing all sorts of terrible shit.

Creatures.... Entities.... Poltergeists....

Pulling my feet off the floor and covering my legs with a pillow, the Tilly Cat popped her head out of the cube and meowed out .

" My God! You scared the SHIT out of !"

If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it. She hopped the rest of the way out of the cube and casually strolled over the couch where I was curled in a panicked ball, rubbing her head the pillow and climbing into my lap for a snuggle.

There's nothing quite like a Sunday morning jump scare....

Happy Sunday!
An earwig story.
Posted:Oct 8, 2021 11:51 pm
Last Updated:Oct 12, 2021 3:27 pm

When I got home from work today I noticed a glass had been placed on the floor, turned upside down, randomly sitting in the middle of the kitchen.

"What the hell?!?"

Alien activity?


Break-in gone weird???

I knew that the Ex Husband was going to be picking the Spawn up after school today, it was his weekend with her, so she wasn't home now, it was just me and the creepy scene.

Certain I was about to walk up on a crime scene of some kind, I slowly approached the glass and peered down into it through the bottom of the glass.

Imprisoned inside the glass was a giant fucking earwig.

"Holy shit! Oh My God!"

Apparently the Spawn had come home from school and spied this monster in the middle of the kitchen. Afraid it would fight back if she tried to kill it, she left it for me to deal with when I got home.

She's a peach, ain't she?

Not going to lie, earwigs creep the hell out of me.

Looks like I'll be living with an earwig under a glass in my kitchen for a while.....

At least until it breaks out and goes on a three room terror spree.

Wish me luck!

Happy Friday!
Sleep eludes me....
Posted:Oct 6, 2021 11:06 pm
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2021 11:05 pm

It's 1:20 am, of course I'm wide awake.


What do I do when it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep? Not what I want be doing....

I find myself laying in bed, kitty curled at feet, watching 'Bob's Burgers' while I peruse a sex site looking for blogs that catch my interest.

It's an exciting life I lead!

I think next I'll watch some paint dry while I alphabetize my spice rack....

Ha! Like I own spices!

Since I was stuck at home for a good portion of the day yesterday, I wound doing some unpacking and hanging paintings and pictures for a good part of that day.

It's amazing what a few wall hangings can do the feel of a room.

each new day passes this place feels more and more like home.

Granted, it was a pain in the fucking ass when my battery was dead and everything felt like a debacle.... When I lived in Gaylord I could have picked the phone and called the Ex Husband, Oldest , or just posted on the FB that I needed a lil help, and it would have been an easy peasy two minute trip help .

What did I learn from that debacle?

I learned that I can do it!

Not only did I not break down and ugly cry, I also didn't freak out and give . I got my car started, knew enough that the battery was not holding a charge so I needed replace it right away, put the fully charged jump box in my car in case I needed it the trip the auto parts place, and I got my battery replaced.

Mission accomplished!
Posted:Oct 6, 2021 5:21 am
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2021 5:08 pm

It's a funny thing....

All perspective. If you feel like you're experiencing good luck, you are. If you feel like your experiencing bad luck, you are.

So, I talked to an old friend that I had bumped into at the store yesterday and he filled in on how bad he's felt his luck has been.

Flat tire, leaking transmission fluid, power steering going out....

And that was just over the course of the past twenty four hours. He'd been experiencing this type of luck for the past two years or so, he'd stated. I empathized with him but secretly thank my lucky stars I wasn't going through what he was going through.

Fast forward to this morning when I get up, get ready for work, head to my car, and find a dead battery.

Wait.... What?!?

Recently I've felt as though I'd been experiencing some pretty good luck, as of late.

Has my old friend's bad luck somehow deposited itself onto me???

Feeling as though I was adequately prepared and ready to tackle this problem, I grabbed the jump box out of my utility room and popped my hood.

Hooked her up.

Let her sit.


Let her sit some more.


So I unhook the jump box, take her into the house, plug her into the wall....

Dead jump box.

Oh My Fucking God

What's the point of having one if I don't have the fucking thing charged???

Apparently in my attempt to be as prepared as possible, I had neglected to check the thing periodically to make sure it was still fully charged. I've only used it once since I've owned it and it wasn't even for my own car.

I can't even tell you how long ago it was when I checked it last.

So, here I sit, waiting for the box to charge, late for work, and wondering if I've been cursed with an old friends bad luck.

Happy Wednesday!
Death by turkey?
Posted:Oct 5, 2021 4:58 pm
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2021 5:09 pm

The Spawn and I were headed back the house after our walk last night when....

From the corner of my eye....

I spied a brown blob moving through the bushes.

Turning see what exactly was that I was seeing, I soon discovered was a BUNCH of brown blobs moving through the bushes.

"What the hell??"

In a flash, three wild turkeys had popped out of their hiding spots and were staring us down in the middle of the road.

Eye Eye

"They kind of menacing Mom."

I was waiting for the boxing gloves come out and the announcer begin speaking.....

'And in this corner we have Secret_lade! She hails from the town of Bellaire and has an irrational fear of getting her eyes gouged out by large birds with talons.'

"I think that one's giving me the side-eye. The thing missing is a leather jacket and a pack of smokes rolled up in the sleeve of his t-shirt."

We stood for a long moment, eyeballing each other in the setting sun, when suddenly they turned and stumbled away.

Thank God.

I really do have an irrational fear of getting my eyes gouged out by bird talons....

I'm going have start carrying that corn!

Happy Tuesday!
Life with a Teenage Spawn
Posted:Oct 4, 2021 4:01 pm
Last Updated:Oct 6, 2021 1:05 am

"Where's my backpack? I put on the floor in the kitchen."

I put it in her room after I got home from work.... I nearly killed myself when I tripped on it. That was hours ago.

"I can't find the brush! Where did you put the brush??"

The brush? 's on the floor in her bedroom right next her backpack. Might as well be located in the Bermuda Triangle.

"Did you wear my mascara? You like you're wearing my mascara!!"

Um... Yah. Her mascara. You mean.... The mascara I bought myself when my other mascara somehow fell into the toilet?!? Apparently what's hers is hers and what's mine is hers.

"Why didn't you wash my jeans when you did laundry?!? You know I wanted to wear these jeans today!"

The jeans I told you to throw in the washer when I started that last load? If you can't manage to throw your own dirty jeans in the washer, neither can I.

"! I taught Tilly a new dance move!"

Poor Tilly, her pleading eyes as she sits patiently waiting for the Spawn get done contorting her body into a series of arm and leg movements. That kitty has the patience of a saint.

"We're out of toilet paper."

No we're not. 's a brand new package under the bathroom sink.

Which brings me the here and now. Wish me luck folks cause right now we're feuding! I came home from work and discovered the freezer door was wide open. For how long? I have no idea....

But was the last straw and I took away her M&M's.

I am now the worst on earth.

I somehow think I won't be losing any sleep over my new found title....

Happy Monday!
Surprise phone calls from my Mighty Marine....
Posted:Oct 3, 2021 6:23 am
Last Updated:Oct 4, 2021 3:18 pm

My Marine called last night, it was certainly good to hear his voice.

In the background I could hear the voices of all of his other squad mates calling family as well, it felt kind of reassuring to me. Reassuring in the fact that my boy wasn't going through this all alone, their voices were proof that they are all part of this process and every one of them were going through the same things as he. Their parents? Going through the same emotional roller coaster as me.

He will be off to his occupational schooling in three days, infantry is now under his belt, but he also told me he will be going overseas once his occupational schooling is done.

My heart sank....


"Yes Ma"

"No, I don't want you overseas"

"I'm going overseas Ma"

He doesn't know just where yet, he just knows he's going. My irrational mind is screaming at me, how can I protect him when he's an ocean away?? My rational mind is completely silent.

I hate it when my rational mind doesn't speak up.

My irrational thoughts have a way of consuming me.
Green Acres is the place to be.....
Posted:Oct 2, 2021 5:27 am
Last Updated:Oct 31, 2021 4:25 pm
How do you know you're living in the country?

You go on a walk with the Spawn and see this on the other side of your driveway....

Not going to lie, this is definitely a change from what I'm used to, but it's a good change. I'm certain I'll start missing the convenience of living in town and having everything within a mile of me, but it's been kind of nice to see the wildlife everywhere and apple orchard across the street getting harvested.

The Spawn and I were nearly back to the house when we spied this guy munching away in the field next to the house. I certainly didn't see this from my apartment....

Hmmmm..... Perhaps it's time I pull out the bib overalls and find me a chewin' straw. I think this place is starting to assimilate me.

Happy Saturday!
Embarrassing Moment Number 930
Posted:Sep 30, 2021 5:38 pm
Last Updated:Oct 6, 2021 1:13 am

The Spawn and I were sitting in the car at the end of the driveway waiting for her bus arrive when I thought I had cough.

Instead, I nearly spit a lung with a chest crushing, phlegm rattled hacking fit.

"What was that about?"

" My God! I think I peed a little!"

I started pulling the car back the house....

"Where are we going? How much did you pee?!?"

"A little."

The Spawn started laughing I hopped out of the car head inside and change my panties.

"You wait until you're old and have had ."

I can't wait until you nearly piss your pants every time you sneeze or cough.....


Happy Thursday!
On today's episode of 'Food on my Boobs'...
Posted:Sep 28, 2021 4:26 pm
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2021 5:49 pm

There is just nothing classier than watching an oil soaked green pepper fall out of my Italian sub and land square on my right tit.


"Oh my God, really??"

It was a celebratory luncheon recognizing three of my coworkers who had earned their ten year anniversary.

"[secret_lade], whatcha doing?"

"I swear, I just need a bib. One with a pocket, I could use a snack for later."

I dabbed at the oil stain with my napkin, but it was way too late. I was going to be spending the rest of the day sporting oil boob.


Until next time.... I'll be the woman with food on her boobs.
The Turkey Trot
Posted:Sep 28, 2021 3:05 am
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2021 12:56 pm

There is a section of my morning commute that I have recently started calling The Turkey Trot.


Let me tell you!

Every morning this week I've gotten to a certain stretch of the drive and found a large group of wild turkeys just 'hanging out' in the middle of the road.


Some seated and resting, some milling about pecking at shit on the edge of the pavement, some of them staring me down and shooting me the evil eye as I roll up on their gang, impatiently revving my engine and flashing my own gang signs.

I'm still waiting for them challenge....

So far nothing.

Until that day, I guess I'll continue to just beep my horn, slowly roll forward, and hope for the best!

Happy Tuesday!
It's a quiet Sunday evening....
Posted:Sep 26, 2021 4:56 pm
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2021 4:07 pm

The Ex Husband helped me move a truck load of boxes to the house today, only one more to go.

What an ordeal.

I can honestly say, this moving thing sucks.

The day before my Marine left for boot camp he had packed up all of his stuff and put it in a giant tote for safe keeping and slide it into a closet, out of the way. The tote emerged today and I immediately got weepy just seeing it, and knowing what was inside.

"Do you want me to keep this at my house? I can just slide it into a crawl space until he gets back."

That will be four years at the minimum....

"Ok. He's got some really expensive gaming equipment in there. Really expensive...."

"It'll be ok. I'm going to take it right into the house as soon as I get home, it's not going to sit outside and get rained on or anything."

"Ok, keep it safe."

He opened the lid to the tote to take a peek at what was inside, his cap and gown caught me immediately off guard. I could still see his smiling face wearing that cap and gown, handing me a yellow carnation.

"Here you go Ma, this is for you."

Not going to lie, I still feel like a piece of me is missing without my Marine around, but it's getting easier to accept and move forward. It sure hurt like hell to watch that tote leave, though, on the back of the Ex Husband's truck. It almost felt like I was losing him all over again....

We are all feeling the loss, though.

My Oldest had called me up Friday night and wanted to talk.

A little unusual for him....

During the course of the conversation he had asked me if I'd heard from the Marine. My heart went out to him. He asked me if I would tell the Marine next time I hear from him that he misses him and loves him.

I said I would.

I listened to my Oldest cry on the other end of the phone for the first time in quite a few years.

He was missing his brother.

Up until that point I had always been the basket case, crying every time I turned around. It didn't occur to me that others were only keeping it together because they knew I could not.

And now that I'm getting stronger....

It's their turn to come to me for comfort. To release their own emotions.

I surely do miss my Marine, my Middle , but life is slowly moving forward and good changes are happening. I hope the good changes are happening for him as well.

Happy Sunday!

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