Ramblings of the depraved.....
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The Return of Douche Canoe
Posted:Jun 27, 2021 7:52 am
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2021 8:43 pm

Sometimes, they just don't get the hint.

I've blogged about this guy before, more than once. Every couple of months he reappears like I may have somehow magically changed my mind.

I have not.

You may recall the last time he tried communicating with me was in April. He'd asked me to refresh his memory he couldn't remember why I was mad at him.

Uh.... Yah.

He was the one who was mad at me for making fun of his dick pic toilet selfie.....

So, I reminded him. I then told him I wasn't interested in going down that road again.

And, that was it.

I love it when these guys decide to let a couple of months go by then try to start up a conversation where you left off.... Like it just fucking happened.

Why are you here then?

6/26/2021 9:07 am
I'm one of the bloggers on here.... I've made a few friends, people that do enjoy my sense of humor, and I keep in touch with them here. Just because you are here to find hookups and one night stands it doesn't mean everyone else has that same intent.

6/26/2021 9:21 am
You jump to conclusions m'lady

6/26/2021 9:27 am
I'm looking for a someone who enjoys sex as much as I do. Thought would be an ideal place

6/26/2021 9:29 am
Oh well, we'll never meet so happy blogging - whatever the fuck that is
6/26/2021 9:31 am

Be still my beating heart! Boy, this guy really knows how to win a girl over! It's about time he get's the !

The thing is, I really like sex, and, I know what I'm doing.... I just can't, for the life of me, find what I'm looking for.

At least not where I live.

Where I live, I find and million and one of *this* guy....
Crazy like a fox!
Posted:Jun 26, 2021 3:42 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2021 12:45 am
Or.... Should I say, like a cat with a flaming hot Cheeto?

The Tilly Cat has been acting a lil strangely for the past couple of hours.

At first I thought it was because the Spawn is gone and it is just her and I.

Separation anxiety??

First Boot Camp Boy and then the Spawn?

Then I thought it was because I've been camped out on my couch all day, day drinking and binge watching horror movies.....

That can't be it, though. I do that quite often.

It wasn't until I saw her sneak into the Spawn's bedroom when I realized, she's up to no good!

I opened the bedroom door much earlier this morning when I had the high aspirations to start cleaning that mosh pit but quickly gave up.

There's just too damn much.... And I never closed said door.

So, there I sat, stealthily watching to see what she was doing. Right at about the moment I was ready to give up she reappeared in the hallway, exiting the bedroom, something orange sticking out of her mouth.

"Whatcha got there, Tillbot."

Suddenly seeing me notice her, she took off down the hall, between my legs, and hid under my living room chair.

"Oh, we're playing this game are we! I've had three , I'm a master at this!"

Finally realizing I wasn't going to give up when I slid the chair out from where it was sitting, she bolted back down the hall and into my bedroom, hiding behind the blinds on the windowsill.

On the floor was a flaming hot cheeto.

She had somehow managed to discover some discarded cheeto's and had been spending the day torturing herself with her new found snack.


Happy Saturday!
Letters to Boot Camp Boy
Posted:Jun 26, 2021 12:08 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2021 11:12 am

Not going lie.... I miss Boot Camp Boy more than anything I've ever missed in my whole entire life. I got his official Marine Corp address last week and I've ALREADY sent him five letters.


Why, YES! I am *in fact* THAT mom.

Embarrassingly positive, stupidly funny, will send you a million letters even though you haven't sent a single one.

You get letters like this...

Hi [Boot Camp Boy]!

I saw a little red truck at the red light today and I immediately thought of you. I do miss you so much, but it'll be ok. The guy in the red truck was picking his nose like he was digging for gold and he caught me staring at him. I pointed at my nose and he looked away, wrinkling his nose at .

Super funny!

I dropped the Wonder Twins off with [other] mom last night.... It's going be weird not having any at for the next week. I hope Tilly is for the challenge as she will be my foster until I pick [your sister] back next week.

Poor Tilly!

I was looking at the Matrix yesterday while Chris was in my office and I saw that it was a haircut day.... He filled in the wonderful experiences that go along with haircut day. Burning hot clippers, 40 second hair cut, a quarter or a half.... I've been wracking my brain trying figure out what you look like with no hair but I just can't do it! Only 10 short weeks go until I get see you again with that fantastic hair cut!! I got your form letter from the Drill Instructor yesterday and I was happy to see your graduation is now listed as September 10th instead of September th. While I know it will only be a brief visit, I am SO looking forward your graduation and being able see you once again.

I already have my towel to wave for your company during that part of the graduation. I'm going to support you in any way that I can!!

You just remember this when I'm old and feeble...... I'd better be in the Taj Mahal of nursing homes! Your sister is going to try to put me in a cardboard box on the corner if you let her.

Don't let her!

Taj Mahal!!

I know I already said this, but I miss you so much. I am SO proud of you and you are currently one of my main topics of conversation with EVERYONE! You are always on our minds and we are supporting you in any way we can!

Which currently is with a 3rd Battalion walking challenge. We're all tracking our miles walked because the goal is "walk Parris Island". I'm 1,065 miles from Parris Island! That's a lot of walking!

I've decided today's picture will be a picture of your favorite people in the world..... Your family.

This way you can show your recruit family your crazy real world family.


So far the only letter I've received from him was written when he was in quarantine so the real fun hadn't started yet.

I don't know if I'm prepared to hear about the real fun.....
It's all fun and games until you find a toe on the bathroom floor.
Posted:Jun 24, 2021 3:20 pm
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2021 3:25 pm

I was already grossing out over the fact that I could smell someone taking a shit before I even opened the door the restroom.

Good God.... What has this woman been EATING!! Rotting meat and sour kraut???

I weighed the pros and cons of waiting and coming back later when the toxic fume cloud dissipated.

Pro - smell gone

Con - real possibility of pissing my pants

In the end, the cons won out as I was not keen on pissing my pants at work so I held by breath and in I went.

The stench literally took my breath away, turning my head to the side, I could feel myself starting to wretch a little when I happened to spy something on the floor by the trash can.

"Oh my God that's a freaking toe!"

Leaning down, I'd forgotten about the fact that I was about ready to pass out, and crouched forward to get a closer loo

Is it real?

Is that green nail polish on the toe??

I was about ready to it out from next the can when the door flew open and little came running in.

"I told you it would be in here! You never listen to me!"

"Why did you take it out of your pocket in the first place?"

"Because I wanted to scare that lady!! Geez!!"

Um, yep, it was fake.

Thank God!

"Now it's been on the floor in the bathroom! It stinks in here!! My toe smells like poop now!"

"You smell like poop!"

Without missing a beat, #1 snatched up the toe, stuffed it back into her pocket, and the of them ran back out of the bathroom as quickly as they came in.

It's not that often I'm left speechless.....

But this was definitely one of those moments.
Posted:Jun 24, 2021 3:55 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2021 12:41 am

It was a tough day.

My mother and father were officially laid to rest.

I've had a lot of moments over the course of my lifetime where I've felt a sense of finality....

But nothing quite measures to the overwhelming feeling that you succumb to when you see a casket being lowered into a grave.

Thankfully I was not alone, the Brother-In-Law was actually present as well for the lowering of the casket, he cried like a baby. In a strange way, it felt good to know someone out there was able to feel this much emotion for him.

I wanted to....

"He went eight years without yer ma."


"I don't know what it was about her, but he sure did love her."

More sobs

Truth be told, I kind of felt a little jealous and immediately felt guilty.... The likelihood of me ever finding someone who loved me that much is minimal.

It would be nice to know the feeling, though.

Happy Thursday!
Incentive to go back to work??
Posted:Jun 23, 2021 3:54 am
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2021 3:16 pm

Are you fucking KIDDING me?!?

How about we give the actual workers who are working and continue to work the $300 bonus for BEING EMPLOYED!

Imagine how many people would suddenly be looking for a job!

I'm so disgusted.....

It's a sad state of affairs when people are allowed to choose to remain on unemployment until they max out and can collect no more because they make more on unemployment than with an actual job.

Even better!

Let's give them a BONUS because they were forced to rejoin the workforce!

As someone who worked throughout the whole COVID nightmare trying to staff a store and maintain retention, this is just plain wrong.

When every single business EVERYWHERE is hiring, there should not be anyone on unemployment.


I need to stop watching the news, it only manages to piss me off.

Happy Wednesday!
It's a mask free world again!
Posted:Jun 22, 2021 2:12 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2021 12:42 am

The moment I've been waiting for is finally here....

Michigan has lifted the mask mandate.

Because I'm fully vaccinated, I was able to stop wearing my mask last week, but today marks the official day that everyone is able to go mask free if they choose to do so.

Not going to lie, I feel like I'm meeting my coworkers for the first time all over again.... Especially the new ones that I may not have ever seen without their masks.

In some cases, it's a little frightening.

"Hi [secret_lade], I'm sorry to hear about your dad."

I could hear one of the newer leaders talking to me from behind, so I turned to acknowledge his comment and thank him.

The look on my face when I saw him for the first time without his mask must have been priceless. I think I may have actually taken a step backwards to regain my composure.

"Thank you, it was a little unexpected, it's good to be back to work."

What's unexpected is the fact that you HAVE NO TEETH!

We had brought him on board during the midst of COVID so all of his interviews had been behind a masked face.

You just don't expect to see someone in their twenties be completely toothless and without dentures.

Especially someone in a leadership role!

The next couple of days are going to be pretty interesting as I begin to see people again without masks.....

Happy Tuesday!
The Car Ride of Doom
Posted:Jun 20, 2021 11:16 am
Last Updated:Jun 22, 2021 2:19 am

What do you get when you cross a winged insect, two teenage girls, and a moving vehicle?

You get chaos!

I was headed out the Ex Husband's house drop the Spawn and her friend off for Father's Day festivities when all of a sudden....

"Aaaaahhhhh!!! Moooooommmmm!!!"

"What?!? What in the hell are you guys screaming about??"

"'s a bug in your hair!!"

Now was my time scream and flail around.

"Aaaaahhhh!! Get out!! Get out!!"

I was trying keep the car on the road, find the bug in the rear view mirror, and remain calm but wasn't working.

"Oh my Gooooddddd!!! Moooooommmmm!! 's on my leg!!!"

Not going lie, I did feel a huge amount of relief that was no longer in my hair. Better on her than on me!

"Roll your window down, flick out the window."

The people in the car behind us must have thought we were crazy when they saw her foot sticking out the window.

But we managed release that monster back into the wild.

Happy Sunday!
You see that smoke?
Posted:Jun 19, 2021 4:28 am
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2021 3:52 am

Yah... That smoke coming from that bridge... Yes, indeed, it is a blazing inferno of fire.

This burned bridge scorched my eyebrows.

the day my dad died I had needed talk a familiar voice, a friend, someone who could help me process that had happened.

I tried calling the Hippie.

*Striking match here*

He did not have his phone on so I sent him a text instead.

"My dad died today."

I knew that, at some point, he would turn the phone back on again and get the text. What I didn't expect was that this would be the text I received in return.

"Dam. Terrible broken times. Nothing good to say about anything. If I could suicide out, I'd be gone too. But I guess I'm going out violent & hot. Love you. Thank you for everything .... Loved you more than I ever loved myself. Didn't even turn the phone on at all yesterday. No reason for anything anymore."

*Holding match to gasoline soaked kindling surrounding bridge*

Really?!? My dad dies and this is the message I get in return.... A ', that sucks' would have sufficed. I ended letting him have it, both barrels.

"[Hippie], my dad died yesterday. An officer came my job break the news. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. There are MUCH worse things in life than refusing to get a job and crying poor everybody is out get . Your life is what you make it. Want a better life? Do something about it."

*Poof! Bridge completely engulfed in flame*

"Fuck you"

Thank God he didn't send another diatribe of rambling suicidal ideation for attention.

"Fuck you too you miserable fuck."

"Don't ever call me again, text or stop by you fat bitch"

*Flaming timbers falling into the deep ravine below the blazing inferno, bridge collapsed*

This has been an emotional period of change for me. Not since my divorce have I experienced such upheaval and feelings of finality.

Today though, for the first time in a while, I feel like I'm ready for some fresh starts.

Happy Saturday!
Picture it....
Posted:Jun 18, 2021 2:50 pm
Last Updated:Jun 23, 2021 6:04 pm

The brother and I are seated in the small office of the funeral home....

Once again.

The management company for my father's apartment complex was kind enough allow us in retrieve my mother's cremated remains and search through his documents find the rumored life insurance documents that we'd heard about but never seen.

Miracle of miracles... One did exist.

So, there we sat.

Grandma Moses was seated across from us behind a desk, slowly combing through the policy with her coke-bottle glasses on the tip of her nose, policy about an inch from her face.

"You'll have pardon me, I'm legally blind."

Um... What?!?

I was missing the funeral director we'd been working with already. Ae we certain the blind woman is the best candidate to be going over policy information? At one point she had an assistant read aloud the policy number so she could write it down in large numbers on a sheet of paper....

Grandma Moses went to work calling the insurance company to find out the amount of the policy and who the beneficiary was, I sat there and thought about everything I had seen that morning.

Except for all the fans in the windows, the apartment looked just like any other lived-in apartment. A couple of dishes in the sink. A half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich on the counter, three dots of jelly on the counter next to it. A pair of socks were laying on the floor next to a recliner.... Like he'd sat down to relax and kicked off his socks.

Thankfully there was no evidence of where he had died and went unnoticed for fifteen days.

"Good news guys. The policy is active and there is enough to cover your father's burial costs. The policy holder is a [brother-in-law], we will have to make contact with him for his approval to appropriate funds."

Of all the things that had gone wrong so far, it was good to hear something go right. It was my father's Brother-In-Law who had initially alerted us to the fact that this policy did exist. The sister had originally been the beneficiary, but when she passed last year, it was transferred to her husband, Brother-In-Law.

My brother had given him a call right then and Brother-In-Law came right in to the funeral home. He was immediately emotional and broken up, tears in his eyes and his voice catching. He had thanked us for taking care of the arrangements even though we had originally believed we'd be covering the costs.

"Your dad didn't think you wanted anything to do with him, he just wanted to be taken care of when he passed."

"He's our dad. Regardless of anything that may have happened over the years, he's still our dad. There is no way we would not take care of him."

This got the Brother-In-Law crying, I could almost see a weight being lifted from his shoulders.

We had Grandma Moses go over the financials once again....

In total, the burial, the barn wood casket, and the headstone would be roughly $8000 and the policy would cover all of it. Brother-In-Law signed the final document allowing the funeral home to handle the monies and everything was said and done.

What was once a living, breathing human being is now gone, and all I can think of... Picture in my mind.... Is that half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich sitting on the counter.

Waiting for my father to finish eating it.
At the Funeral Home
Posted:Jun 17, 2021 5:10 am
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2021 3:47 am

My brother, my dad's sister, and my dad's brother and wife met the Spawn and I at the funeral home yesterday.

I was so happy not be alone.

I had not met my dad's brother and wife in person, we had merely remained in communication on faceplace, so they had waved excitedly when they drove past us in the parking lot.

My brother was also pulling into the parking lot at this point too.

While I'm glad that he is here, and taking care of the details this time, I also know the only reason he is here is because he sees dollar signs in his eyes.

I can't even tell you how many times he said he was the beneficiary of dad's life insurance policy while we were at the funeral home yesterday. Even as we were sitting there, talking about burial plots and caskets, he was focused on getting into dad's apartment and cleaning out his belongings.

"I know that policy is in there."

At the end he was talking about going through dad's stuff and wanting to sort it with me and I told him, I'm not going to want anything that was there.

"Bobby, I'm not going to want anything that was in that apartment. There is no need to sort."

"Mom's stuff was in there too."

"I know. Like I said, there isn't going to be anything there that I would want."

I had said it kindly, it was definitely not said out of anger or bitterness. He looked at me like, how could I not want mom's stuff?!?

He doesn't exactly remember her the way I do....

I remember the woman who was emotionally and verbally abusive to me, the cigarette burns on my wrists are a permanent reminder to me of that.


So, day two of the funeral home looms ahead for me. Once again we are all coming together to finalize the obituary. We will be finalizing final costs of the burial and setting processes in place.

A chapter of my life is coming to a close

Death of a Stranger
Posted:Jun 15, 2021 4:10 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2021 12:40 am

My father was a stranger .

be honest, I don't know that I could have picked him out in a crowd.

I was at work today onboarding of my new people when one of the leaders tapped my shoulder and said "I'll take over, you have a visitor."

"I do?"

I looked at her like she was on crac She didn't know shit about doing the onboarding stuff for the new people

"Yes, you have an important visitor, I'll take over."

Hesitantly, I started to head out the door to see who the mysterious visitor was when I found myself face to face with Boss #2, Nate the Great, and a sheriff's deputy.

"Are you [secret_lade]?"

"Yes, yes I am."

Boss #2 and Nate were ready to step in, concern was all over their face.

They didn't know what was going on either.

"Is there a private place where we can talk?"

"Yes, we can go to my office...."

I had rounded the corner to my office and, as usual, there were people there waiting for .

Boss #2 and Nate were still by my side, I really think they were ready step in as a form of protection.

"She's not in trouble guys, this isn't anything like that. I told the same thing to her when I stopped by her home."

My home? Now my heart was pounding. This was bad news.

"You can use leadership office...."

Boss #2 unlocked the leadership office across the hall from my own and held the door open for me to enter, the officer falling directly behind me, closing the door before anyone else could enter.

The purpose of his visit was to notify me that my father had died at some point within the last couple of days. The sheriff's department had received a phone call from concerned neighbors who had not seen him in a couple of days and were asking to have a wellness check done.

The wellness check had confirmed that he had passed.

Nothing really prepares you for a moment like this.

Or for the moments after when you are trying to leave work with an officer who has just told you that your father has died and your coworkers are stopping you all along the way trying to joke around with you and asking you questions.

One of them actually asked me if I needed bail ....

Little did they know I was headed off the scene of a death sign papers for my father be released a funeral home.

On many occasions in the past I've done work with both the sheriff's department and the state police so it was not an unusual sight see walking around with an officer.

It was not something that would draw their suspicions.

So, it turns out that my father a heart attac

The crime scene investigator shared with me that there was no evidence he was being seen by any physicians and they did not find any medications in his apartment. He had uncontrolled hypertension that was not being helped by his heavy smoking and heavy drinking. He was an introvert and spent most of his time inside but made a trip every morning to buy his alcohol, which is what alerted the neighbors.

He'd stopped making the trips.

You know that saying... When it rains, it pours?

Well, I feel it pouring all over me right now.

It's a good think I've got that umbrella....
It's time to take the training wheels off.
Posted:Jun 13, 2021 7:01 am
Last Updated:Jun 15, 2021 4:28 pm

All aboard the emotional roller coaster!!

Next stop.... Ugly crying and stomach aches!

I found out today my Middle will be leaving quarantine and starting his recruit training tonight.

With that comes another middle-of-the-night scripted phone call.

It's been a blessing and a curse that I've found the faceplace thread that is specific to my 's battalion and company as the Admin's continue to update it with articles, information, and clips on what the recruits are experiencing.

One of the articles today was written by a drill instructor on the need to let your recruit go.

At some point a parent had contacted someone at the corps and complained of the barbaric practice of removing wisdom teeth during boot camp and that the decision was not up to the corps.

The drill instructor had stated boot camp is the best time and place for such procedures as the recruits have access to some of the best care and while deployed, those in active duty do not.

He had also stated that while all the recruits were on down time recovering from their dental procedures, he would make sure her recruit, seeing as how he was not going to be getting his wisdom teeth extracted, would receive his own special, personalized, one on one physical training session instead.

Today's was succinctly put....

"It's time to take those training wheels off."

Parents who do this type of stuff to their , their recruits, ultimately make it harder for them in the long run.

One thing I'm thankful for.... I'm glad my had his wisdom's extracted two years ago.

Wish me strength as I have a feeling my scripted phone call tonight will be much, much harder than the first one I received last week. I have a feeling this one will have the drill sergeant yelling in the background and my yelling in my ear.

I didn't think it was possible for me to cry any more than I already have.....

But, apparently it is. I've cried all morning since I first read the news I would be getting one more phone call.

My little cryballs are looking pretty rough right now.

To link to this blog (secret_lade) use [blog secret_lade] in your messages.

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